hazy

Albert Einstein asked a question that sometimes drives me hazy; am I or are the others crazy?

Still Life of Illness

I've been ill a long time. A cold/bronchitis/borderline pneumonia thing. No worries, I totally expect to be fine. I started a 10 day course of antibiotics yesterday. The side effects are ick, but I expect to be feeling better once I'm off them.
But on to the still life: my kitchen looks like a study of illness:
The dish drainer is full of dry, clean dishes. The side of the sink that's not full of dish drainer is full of dirty dishes. The counter next to the sink has a few more dirty dishes, a bowl with popcorn kernels in the bottom, an empty but still inflated microwave popcorn bag. On the tiny stove is an empty cracker box. On the floor in front of it is a trash bag, not quite full, slouched against the wall. On the floor is a laundry basket full of clean clothes (the washer and dryer are in the kitchen) and the dryer is full of clean, dry clothes too. On top of the dryer is a bright magenta stain the size of a quarter: cranberry juice. There are long, thin dried leaves on the floor that I tracked in.
It's kinda depressing in there. I imagine some day I'll do something about it.

When I first noticed this kitchen still life, what I thought was "Wow, my kitchen looks like depression."

Weird Dream

Had a really weird dream last night. Worth noting: last night was the solstice, a full moon, a total lunar eclipse, and a meteor shower. So, stuff in the air, I'm sure.
The dream:
A lady who is kind of heavy, with short blond hair, a little curly. She's in something like an interrogation room in a police station. A gray room, one-way mirror, just a table and two chairs... a very Hollywood version of such things, I'm sure.
There are two FBI agents in the room. I know where these guys came from; they are characters in a show, Criminal Minds, which I've been watching lately. Gideon is the one sitting at the table, across a corner of the table, to the right the woman. Reid is standing against a wall, a little behind and to the right of the woman. The rest of the team is watching through a one-way mirror.
The woman is a serial... injurer? She doesn't kill people, she just hurts them. Not sure if she hurts others or just herself, but the team is desperate to find the victim she currently has. The victim is her right arm. She has it tied to a board which is full of nails; like when yogis lay on beds of nails, you know? A board like that, that her arm is strapped to.
Periodically during the interrogation she tightens the straps so that the nails bite further into her arm. The team knows they are running out of time and are desperate to find her arm... but the thing is, her arm is right there attached to her just as you'd expect it to be. They just can't see what she's doing. They know the current "victim" is her arm, but they seem to think she's got it hidden away in some clever hideaway type of place.
Through out the dream I can feel how desperate the FBI team are to help this arm, how much they are studying everything she does for clues, and how much pleasure the woman is getting out of keeping this secret from them, and being able to hurt the arm right in front of them.
So... interpretation ideas?

Update: as I read this I realized, I'm pretty sure the woman only hurts herself, not others. Also, the FBI team's main motivations are to help the "victims," not to punish the woman. They are angry at her, but mostly they just want her to stop hurting... herself. Although the "victims" are bizarrely divorced from her self, as indicated in the dream.

Great Things

Grover

 

Abed

Giant billy goats made of straw

Mail

Christopher Moore

Bubbly water

Hot tea with honey

 

People who will be silly with you

Single Socks

I always figured that the reason people lose socks while doing the laundry was pretty logical.

Laundry machines are generally big, with curved sides. When you are at the laundry mat and a sock gets left behind in the washer or dryer, it would be fairly easy to miss it if you weren't being careful. Especially if your socks are white, which is usually the color of the inside of a washing machine. And you wouldn't notice til you got home and found a mysteriously single sock.

Or maybe your laundry basket was pretty full, so you didn't notice that a sock, a rather small item, had fallen out of it in the parking lot, and again you have a single sock mystery when you get home. It would be pretty easy to have happen, so it would happen a fair bit, there ya go, the legend of single socks is born.

Makes sense, right? So riddle me this: how come, now that my washer and dryer are in my very own kitchen, I am still losing socks?

Thanks, But...

To the people who have suggested I just start celebrating Christmas as a nonreligious, secular thing, and those who are thinking it... thanks for your replies/thoughts. That doesn't feel like the solution to me right now, though.

Christmas Trees

For those of you who don't know me (Hey, don't laugh, I do occasionally get comments from people I don't know, or don't know well. And they aren't all spam, either!); I don't celebrate Christmas. I didn't celebrate it growing up. A lot of my friends don't celebrate it. Most of my immediate family doesn't celebrate it. Aside from some annoyingly repetitive songs in stores and a couple of scary shopping days, Christmas has just never played a huge role in my life.
So, why, when I just drove past a Christmas tree lot, did I have an urge to buy one? Not a big one. One of those kind of table top sized guys. With maybe a star on top and some white lights around it.

 This year, and maybe some last year, I'm feeling pretty left out of the whole Christmas thing. It never really bothered me before, even as a kid. My religion (I'm a Baha'i) has a gift giving holiday at the end of February called Ayyam-i-ha, and I've always looked forward to that and not felt like I was missing out on things by not having Christmas.
I think maybe it has to do with tradition. In my nuclear family we had some Ayyam-i-ha traditions, like decorating and baking and stuff like that. I remember getting really excited about seeing the Ayyam-i-ha decoration boxes come out of the attic and choosing where to hang them and all that. I think my mom was the one who kind of kept those early traditions alive. With her gone, it's not the same. I don't have living children to pass these things on to, and doing them by myself seems a little anticlimactic. My brother has 3 kids, and we do celebrate Ayyam-i-ha. I look forward to that, and I like it, but they are kind of making their own traditions. Which I'm all for; families doing things in ways that are important to and work for them is totally the way to go. And to be fair, some of the stuff they do is a lot like what I did as a kid. Maybe I'm missing having someone to do things the way I would do them? I dunno.
But somehow, this year I feel like I'm missing out by not being a part of the zeitgeist of Christmas.

Wow, Been Awhile

Here is a quote.

"Happiness is not a matter of intensity, but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony" - Thomas Merton

I like it because I do confuse happiness with... I dunno; excitement or joy or hyperness, even. Sometimes I forget that happiness can just be generally liking how things are, rather than being constantly filled with the feeling that you just have to smile or burst.
I had that confusion with the word "fun" for a while too. I thought I didn't do anything fun because I don't generally like things people consider fun, like parties or clubs or dancing and things like that. I was equating "fun" with "wild" or "energetic" or something. Really, though, fun just means anything you enjoy, which means I have fun pretty much all day every day. And I am happy most of the time, too.

Why Colds Happen

Here is my theory on why we get colds.

Every once in a while, your brain gets tired. It needs a little break. So it wraps its self (and thus your entire head) up in a nice cuddly snot blanket. This explains why your ears and nose and throat are affected.
It also explains why you seem to think and process more slowly when you have a cold; it takes time for information to pass through the snot barrier, either to enter or exit.
Every time you blow your nose, a little bit of your brain's snot blanket is blown away, until finally there is almost no blanket left, and your brain becomes fully functional again.

Cold

Cold as in I have one. And cold is in, it is.
The high today is 57F. Yeah, yeah, that's not cold for some of you. It's cold for me!
Also, I have a cold. Rather than being unhappy about that, I'm trying to be thankful to my body that I have gotten sick a lot less frequently this year than last.
Not a lot has been going on... I've been doing some paid personal assistant work for friends of mine. School is going along well; I will be able to start seeing clients around the beginning of the year. I'm a little nervous about the marketing aspects of it all, but it'll come.
I probably have a torn meniscus in my left knee. Since the pain is tolerable and not constant I will be treating it through supplements, diet, exercise, massage, et cetera. I'm not bothering to even get the conclusive MRI to make sure I have it; it's not like any of the treatments I'm doing would be bad for me even if the meniscus isn't torn. An MRI seems unnecessary. It does increase my chances for arthritis in that knee, but not even an MRI or the corrective surgery (which they probably wouldn't do for me anyway as my knee is functional and the pain isn't terrible) would take care of the arthritis risk.
Still doing the Renaissance festival, through November 21. That's not taking as much out of me as it did last year, which is cool. I'm skipping it this weekend though, due to the cold (the flu-like cold, not the weather cold).
I think that's about it for my random update.

The Future of America

Sometimes I can get pretty down about the country I live in. We do a lot of things, as a global entity and as a culture, that I'm not very proud of.
Election days are often days when I am not excited to be American, in the end.
But today I read this essay and started feeling hopeful again. It's by the son of a guy I went to high school with. His name is Eli, and he's 12 years old. This is what he has to say:

We are in a country of political and economic decline. We have put ourselves on the treacherous road to becoming a fascist country. In the way we are living, the environment has become devastated. We are cutting down all the trees... we are dumping trash into the ocean... While we may not be responsible for this we are not doing enough to make a difference, and/ or possibly change our ways. Not enough effort has gone into fixing this nation. We have truly become a self destructive civilization. While all this could have been fixed a while ago, it seems we are only too late. What have we truly given to the world? War, debt? Is that all we are? Cannot we become maybe a more peaceful nation, or perhaps one who has not caused harm to others? While we owe money... billions of dollars, the national debt continues to soar. We now depend on that funding, and if that funding was pulled, America would crumble. We would be no longer the land of opportunity, or freedom, but where people are trying to escape, trying to rid themselves of the responsibility of fixing this nation. We are lost. We, the people... we were the people, but that ideal has changed. Our democracy as a whole has been differentiated from other countries around the world. I am not saying that they are correct. They are almost as correct as we are. But we can do much better. We can fix America... But, it cannot be just us. We have to have more support. We need to help, and we need help to save our nation.

 

 

bleh

What a totally bleh day. It's gray and rainy and chilly out. I'm vaguely ill with some kind of achey, congestion kind of deal. I'm tired. I'm unmotivated. In fact, my current facebook status (which is rather clever, if I do say so myself) is:

"I sound my lethargic yawp from the couch cushions of the world."

So yeah. Bleh. It'll pass of course. But meanwhile, bleh.

Self Worth

Self worth, or valuing myself, has been an issue for me since I can remember.
I am glad to report I now believe I am worth the resources it takes for me to stay alive. I honestly spent a lot of years thinking it wasn't fair for me to be taking up food and space and oxygen.
There's been a lot of layers between that and where I am now. Now I am struggling with the idea that I deserve to do more than subsist. That it's ok for me to have savings, to have luxuries, to live beyond "do I have enough for cherries this week, or do I buy a bag of apples?"
And also, that what I do is valuable. That health counseling and working with kids and being a personal assistant (I'm doing that for some friends now, very part time, to earn a little extra) are valuable services, and I do them well, and deserve to be compensated for them. I constantly undervalue these kinds of things and as a result I find myself with constantly not quite enough resources.
In my head I know... child of God, human being, smart, etc... but in my gut I still can't believe I should be earning much above minumum wage, no matter what service I am offering.

Food Blessings

Lately I've become interested in the idea of blessings. As in, for food, not in general. I feel like being grateful for food and all of the labor and sacrifice that goes into creating it, and being mindful of food's purpose is a good idea.
I've spent the past few days looking at a lot of different prayers and gratitudes and devotions and blessings, and this is what I've come up with for myself. I intend to say it before eating or drinking anything. At least for a while, as a  kind of experiment.

In this food (or drink) I clearly see
the presence of the entire universe
supporting my existence.
I am grateful to all of the beings
who have sacrificed and labored
to bring it to me.
May I be nourished
that I may nourish life.

Telling

I think I just realized something. Maybe. Although... I don't know what it is...

So, here's what I was thinking. The past few days I've been doing really well with some lifestyle changes. But I'm hesitant to celebrate them publicly because it seems like when I do that, I lose momentum. If I tell a friend, or my doctor, or something like that, that doesn't seem to jinx it. That just feels like accountability. But if I make proclamations (well, OK, this blog has a pretty small readership, but you get what I mean) I seem to lose enthusiasm shortly thereafter.
I was thinking maybe it's a control issue? Maybe when I say to a lot of people "hey, I am doing this" I want to prove to myself that just because I said it doesn't mean I have to do it? Or to reassure myself that it's OK to change my mind?
I dunno, but I feel like if I get too excited too early about progress, the progress slows or stops.
Any thoughts?

Prayer

I found this attributed to "Traditional Native American Prayer" which is kind of interesting, but I like the words.

O Great Spirit
Whose voice I hear in the winds,
and whose breath gives life to all the world,
hear me! I am small and weak, and I need your strength and wisdom.

Let me walk in beauty, and make my eyes
     ever behold the red and purple sunset.

Make my hands respect the things you have made
     and my ears sharp to hear your voice.

Make me wise so that I may understand the things
     you have taught my people.

Let me learn the lessons you have hidden in every
     leaf and rock.

I seek strength, not to be greater than my brother,
     but to fight my greatest enemy - myself.

Make me always ready to come to you with clean
     hands and straight eyes.

So when life fades, as the fading sunset,
my spirit may come to you without shame.

Successes!

I've had a pretty cool few days.
I've done my morning and evening routines for 3 days in a row now.
Today I was about half an hour early to my sister-in-law's house. They live very near a really delicious French cafe with amazing desserts, but I decided not to spend money on something that isn't good for, that I didn't really even want. I just arrived early.
Then I was driving home and was pretty hungry but rather than stopping somewhere (in fact, nothing even sounded good!) I went home and cooked a dinner. Just some peas and a hamburger patty, but still!
I've also had a really busy several days. On Saturday I hosted the Children's Feast and then help my brother's family unpack from their move. On Sunday I had dress rehearsal for the Ren Fest and then did a Health History interview for school. On Monday I had a massage, then had an extended dance practice. Tuesday I was an administrative assistant (paid!) for a friend and did a lot of studying. Wednesday I helped my family unpack all day and then went grocery shopping. Today I ran some errands, did more administrative assistant work, and then did a sewing project (it actually kind of came out ok, too). Compared to my usual schedule, that is crazy busy. I'm starting to feel a little worn out which is a little frightening because I have big days Friday (a new yoga class, traffic court for that suspended license thing from the car accident, and either a dance practice or my brother's birthday party (I already did a mini-birthday celebration with him and his family on his actual birthday, this one would be a bigger party with more family and friends etc), and I hope to get some studying in. Oh, and I need to go to the library and drop off some overdue books. Saturday and Sunday is the opening weekend of the Ren Fest! And then finally on Monday I have nothing scheduled but a massage. Phew! But I'm impressed I've ade it as far as I have, as well as I have!
I also turned in an application for part-time work at the health food store down the road, today.
So yeah. Yay me!

Not Working

OK, that whole last post's idea is totally not working. Like, not even for one day. So here is my new new idea for making the changes I want to: concentrate on times of day, like creating little routines.
So now I am going to try, in the morning, going to the bathroom, doing ablutions, doing my obligatory prayer and 95 Alla'u'abhas and reading some Baha'i Writings, and then making a simple, healthy breakfast (probably a smoothie).
And in the evening, at bedtime, I will do a foot/leg massage, and read some Baha'i Writings.
So then throughout the day I will just need to think about what I am eating/not eating, and getting some exercise and stretching in. Eventually I want to start exercising in the mornings, but right now that seems like too much.

If anyone has any ideas about how to stick with choices, please let me know!

Dear Neighbor

Dear Neighbor (not the nocturnal activities one, the other one),

When I first moved in, as I was sitting on your steps watching the movers, you came outside. You talked to me about how much you love the quiet here in the neighborhood and kept emphasizing that word, quiet, as if making sure I knew my role.

All was well. We were quiet. I hardly even knew you and your wife were over there, except for occasional music on the weekends. Knowing how thin the walls are, I usually used headphones when I listen to music or watch movies.

And then, 3 or 4 people came to stay at your place. Looks like your son or daughter, their spouse, and two kids; one in grade school and one only a toddler. They were NOISY. I ignored it, figuring it would be a short visit, no more than a week or so. After all, it's a small two-bedroom apartment. I ignored getting woken up at 6am by a screaming child. I ignored when pictures fell off my wall because of the jumping and thumping. I ignored when my house shook. I ignored the yelling children at 11pm and even midnight and later.

But now it's been several weeks. I was woken up at 6:30 this morning by all kinds of thumping and sliding and yelling. If that van full of furniture isn't the extras moving out, I will be talking to the management.

Sincerely,
Tired and Grumpy Me

Ch-ch-ch-changes

OK, so I think that maybe one reason I'm not making the changes in my life that I want to is that I'm overwhelmed by all my ideas. So I've made a list of things I would like to do, and I will pick 2 or 3 at a time to work on. I've decided to pick not the ones that seem most important, but the ones that seem post doable. And even if several seem doable, I will only do 2 or 3 at a time. Generally.

• Bless the food that I am eating, with gratitude
• Do not eat sugar.
• Do not eat gluten.
• Say my 95 Alla'u'abhas daily, consistently.
• Say my Obligatory Prayer daily, consistently.
• Read the Baha'i Writings every morning, consistently.
• Read the Baha'i Writings every evening, consistently.
• Do some form of exercise for at least 30 minutes daily.
• Meditate and/or listen to BellaRuth guided imagery CDs (I'm not sure how often/for how long I would like this to be).
• Cook/prepare meals at home, such that I eat out only once or twice per week.
• Either speak or write daily gratitudes.
• Massage my feet and lower legs daily (I have issues with the muscles there).

Things along these lines that I have already accomplished within the last year or so:

• Do not eat fast food.
• Keep my house reasonably picked up and clean.
• Attend Baha'i Feast regularly (ie, not missing it unless there is a genuine reason to).
• Get regular massages/body work of some type.
• Eat only very limited amounts of dairy.
• Eat only limited amounts of soy.
• Do not consume caffeine, except very rarely in very limited amounts, early in the day.
• Sleep without medication.

The first few things I am going to tackle are:

• No gluten
• Read the Baha'i Writings in the evening
• Bless my food

I plan to do these for the month of October, so that they become habit, before I look at adding in other things.

Hell's Kitchen

I crack myself up sometimes!
Hell's Kitchen is this TV show where the infamous Gordon Ramsey makes some of the country's top chefs prove are good they are, and they get to become the head chef of some totally top class restaurant.
I'm watching it on Hulu right now and thinking "Aw, man, I could never be on Hell's Kitchen because I'm allergic to shellfish, but they have to cook it all the time, and sometimes eat it."
And then it occurred to me: the real reason I will never be on Hell's Kitchen is because I am just not a chef. Heck, I can barely cook an egg!

Usefulness

I was visiting my dad this past week, helping out because his wife just had surgery. Since I got back home (2 days ago) I've had a kind of empty feeling somewhere in my gut. Here is my current diagnosis: I think that while I was helping out I felt useful. And now I'm back to kind of not doing much. So I think maybe the empty spot is about feeling useless.
Easy solution, right? Do something! Yeah....
I do plan to apply for a part-time position at a health food store very near me.
There's school things I could be working on.
I seem to be slightly paralyzed, though...
More later, I guess.

My Picture (AKA Why I Set the Boundaries I Do)

This idea has been bouncing around in me for a while now, and I've started to take action on it a lot already. yesterday, though, I heard some song lyrics that gave me a nice visual, so I thought I'd share.

"I'm adding something new to the mixture
So there's a different hue to your picture."
--The Raconteurs

So I imagine my life is a painting, right? Who knows what the heck the overall picture is, that's an analogy for another day. But every element in my life; every person I talk with, every meal I eat, every movie I watch... everything in my life is adding something to the picture, changing the hue, no matter how slight.

I'm not interested in creating a muddy or gray or monotone picture.

I'm not interested in creating a neon-bright or confused picture either, mind you.

I'm interested in a balanced, easy-on-the-eyes, clear, bold composition.

And if something isn't adding beauty to the piece, I simply don't need it.

So in practical terms, what that means is not watching movies or shows or newscasts that are disturbing, not hanging out with people who are negative (in a majority way; of course everyone has down times), not listening to music with angry or depressing lyrics.
I am in control of the hue my life picture, and which things are in the mixture.

Marylin Monroe

Apparently Marylin Monroe said "sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together," which I liked, so I put it here so I don't lose it and can think about it later. With a picture so the post isn't stupidly short and boring.

My Birthday

I had a kind of non-traditional birthday this year. Usually I spend it at home. I make my gratitude cards, and send them to people who have been a big influence in my life over the past year. I usually watch a movie. I usually have a family part in the evening with my brother's amazing cooking.

This year I'm involved in a gratitude adventure of a different kind. I spent my birthday driving, on my way to Massachusetts to help out my dad and his wife. I was on the road for about 11 hours, including a few bathroom breaks. I have a few more to go today.
In a way it was kind of nice to have so much time with just me and some music, contemplating things, enjoying scenery. In a way I wish I'd been able to be in touch with people more, although I did get a couple of sweet phone calls from family, which I really appreciate.
When I bought dinner I decided to go with a Chinese place rather than a fast food salad or something (I stopped for the night in a pretty rural place and those were my only options). About a quarter of the way through the meal though my stomach started to get pretty upset and I took the hint and stopped eating. Luckily it didn't turn into anything worse! So yeah, I got vaguely food poisoned by my birthday dinner, lol. The fortune cookie was good, though! It told me I would live for many more years, which I found kind of fitting for the day.

Really, I'm pleased that I was able to spend my birthday in an act of service to my family. The only part that was really more of a downer than just different was the yucky meal thing. I heard from all of the people I care most about, in one way or another. I saw some beautiful sites. I had good music. I laughed.
I will do my cards when i get back home.
A family party is scheduled for the 23rd.

Huge appreciation to every one who has been a part of my journey this past year.

PS, The dork in me is very pleased that my age is consecutive prime numbers. This will only happen three times in my life! (23, 35, and 57)

I Just Broke....

So I stayed up all night trying to be helpful to a friend of mine who had a lot to do with a really non-flexible deadline. And I thought it was gonna be good, because my sleep schedule has been off; so I was going to just go to bed at a good time tonight and my schedule would be fine. But around 7am I realized I wasn't going to be able to do the things I need to do today at the level of goofy-tired I was, so I went to bed for a nap. I set my alarm for 2 hours. Woke up, but was still dizzy and couldn't walk straight, so slept another 2 hours.
So now I'm sitting here on my couch crying, still disoriented and dizzy. Man, I'm not as young as I used to be.
Why crying, you ask? Good question. I asked myself that, too. Here's what I cam up with:

My birthday is tomorrow. I wish my mom were here to celebrate it with me.
My step-mother has cancer, and I don't want her to.
I'm also afraid my brother and I might not be given a complete picture of her illness.
My best friend (I kind of hate that phrase, but really how else do you describe the person you are in contact with the most, about the things that feel most important?) is moving really far away. Prohibitively far. Costs-too-much-to-talk-on-the-phone far. And I'm really glad he is in lots of ways: it's gonna be amazing for him and his wife, and their family (and then I'm gonna get to reap some of the benefits of the growth he's gonna be doing, too!) but part of me does wish it just wasn't so damn far. Well, no, that's not true. I'm ok with the far. It's the not-talking-on-the-phone much thing I don't like.
I have so much to do today, getting ready for a trip I leave on tomorrow, and I just don't feel like it's all going to get done.

I think that's probably all of what's in the tears right now... except that also, I'm not entirely sure how to honor what I'm feeling but still get done what I need to.

A Quote and My Thoughts

"It is not that we make the best of things, but that we may find in everything, even in calamity itself, the germ of enduring wisdom. We ought not to resist the shocks and upheavals of life, nor run counter to obstacles, we ought never... to be impatient. We ought to be as incapable of impatience as we would to revolt. This is not being so much 'long suffering' as a quiet awareness of the forces that operate in the hours, days or years of waiting and inactivity. Always we ought to move with the larger rhythm, the wider sweep towards our ultimate goal, in that complete acquiescence..."
--Attributed to Bahiyyah Khanum
( "The Passing of Bahiyyah Khanum" by Marjorie Morton in "Crystalizations," page 174)

To me this is along the lines of my being "unnaturally positive," which I get into scrapes with so often. It's not that I don't think difficult things ever happen. It's that I really really believe, to the point of knowing, that there is a reason for them to be happening; that no matter how much we don't get it, they are a part of the greater good. Even a part of my own personal greater good. A lot of times I can find what I believe might be the positive side... even if it's just "wow, what a great chance to learn patience!" or something similar. But even if even I cannot ferret out some kind of  meaning, I trust that it is there, and act accordingly.

I'm Just Not a Rules Kind Of Girl

Every once in a while I get this moment where I feel like I'm someone I'm not. That's when I do things like commit to hosting events, or decide to have structured blog posts. I get into it for a short while, and then I revert back to my true self.
I'm just not that girl, lol.
So yeah, I'm done with that whole blog post schedule thing. I am still interested in having a lot of the topics as recurring post-themes, but it works out a lot better when I do things when I am motivated to, rather than when I am scheduled to.

Here are some random but amusing comics! Click to enlarge.

Holistic Health Thursday 2

146 Reasons Why Sugar is Ruining Your Health

This was a really interesting list. We all know sugar is bad for us, but we all eat it anyway... definitely including myself. I know it's not good for me, I know I feel bad after wards... but I still won't turn down a donut.
Partly of course, we are genetically programmed to like sweet tastes. Partly we are all addicted, since sugar is in a really surprising and scary amount of food. Part of it is marketing. Part of it is, I think, a kind of denial; if we ignore the health risks of sugar, we can enjoy what we want to in the moment.
Really, though, we are slowly poisoning ourselves. And our kids.

Wondering Wednesday

"Everybody is a genius. But, if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing that it is stupid." ~Albert Einstein

I'm wondering what ridiculous things I am using to judge myself by, and what I should use instead.
Or should I not use anything to judge myself at all? Should it just be all about want/not want?
It gets confusing to me... sometimes I feel like I want a measuring tape to be able to look at and say, "Here is where I am, here is where I want to be, I have 6 inches of work to do" or something like that.
But sometimes I feel like where I am is where I am, and that it's all good. Every moment is perfect as it is, as my yoga friends would say.
I think I posted about this a little bit ago: how to not judge yourself but still move forward. I think that probably if I just listen to my True Self and not get my head in the way, growth would happen easily and joyfully. Probably....

Hamlet (and Hair)

What a piece of work is a man,
how noble in reason,
how infinite in faculties,
in form and moving how express and admirable,
in action how like an angel,
in apprehension how like a god!
The beauty of the world,
the paragon of animals...

Tuesday Project 2

I completed my getting-music-on-my-DAP project. Yay! (Also, thanks to a great friend who really really helped out with technical parts.)
This isn't what my screen looks like any more, actually, because of the help with the technical parts. I have a whole new... I guess it's an OS? Do you call it that on music machines? Anyway, it's now rhythmbox. But this *is* what the player itself looks like.

So this week I will do the borders on my hankies. I plan to do a green vine-and-leaf pattern, just on the very edges. I have a rubber stamp I will use for the majority of it, I think. I'm not sure how it will fit together if I do a line of it, so I may have to improvise the connections. I want it to be just very simple, so it doesn't detract from the dance any when I use the hankies.

Real Sunday Intentions

Yes, yes, it's Tuesday. See previous post re: illness.
But I've realized I do have some goals this week other than not being ill by the end of it.
I want to study for 4 hours (2 on Wednesday and 2 on Friday) and also I want to  maintain my chelation protocol through out the week.

ill (sat - mon, 2)

sunday: oh, i don't know. i've been ill. my only goal for the coming week, really, is to stop being ill.
saturday: i did not meet my study goals for last week, but i did meet my social goals.
monday: netti pots are great. massages are too. and also, sleeping. and not having headaches.

Meh

I missed yesterday's post. So I'm gonna cheat and just give you a link to the school I'm attending.

As for a food experiment for Friday... uhm... well, I did fry eggs, which I'm pretty sure I've never done before. My technique could use some work though.

I'm not really feeling all that well. I'm having headache issues.

Wednesday Wonderings 1

I guess right now I'm wondering about regret.
Someone just shared with me a bunch of letters/notes/written ramblings I gave him almost 10 years ago. I was a really different person. Not someone I am proud to have been. In fact, there is probably shame around who I was then.
But I don't know that I regret it really. I feel badly about it; I wish I hadn't put me and the people around me in some of the situations that I did.
But in another sense I don't wish it hadn't happened. That was the path I had to take to get to where I am now, and I like who I am now and I wouldn't want to trade that in. I think that without a lot of my struggles I would probably not have the depth that I enjoy about myself today.
And yet, I am sorry to the people that I have hurt...
Do you have regrets? Why or why not?

Tuesday Project 1

OK, so really it's 12:12am on Wednesday... I count days as being over when I go to bed. Yeah.
The idea for these projects was to be doing something creative each week. But this week I really want to get my music player working right and put all my music on it, so that's my main project.
If I feel like doing it, though, I have a more artsy/craftsy project in mind. In my Morris dancing (that's the dance I do at the renaissance festival) we often use hankies. For dancing, not nose-goblin collecting. You kinda fling them about in specific ways as you dance.

So I have a plan to decorate mine along the edges with a green leafy vine pattern. It'll match my costume, which is all blues and greens. It'll also match my character: I'm the woods woman. You know, that loner lady who lives in the woods and everyone is afraid of her until they are ill or in labor; then they totally want her for her herbs and knowledge.
So that/those is/are my projects for the week. I'll let you know how they go on Celebration Saturday!

Dissonance

I get this interesting dissonance sometimes. Like my brain/mind/spirit/self becomes slightly detached from the outside world and lives internally for a bit. Usually it lasts a few minutes, a couple hours. Sometimes it lasts a few days, even a couple of weeks in a somewhat watered down form.
When it lasts just a few minutes, it's no bother.
When it's a few hours, I begin to get somehow itchy in myself. The disconnect wears on me, trying to live in both places at once.
When it's longer, the first while is tough; like it takes me a while to remember what's going on and that it's ok. I spend the first bit fighting the current, trying to snap the dislocation back into place. Once I settle into it, though, it's no bother. I kind of enjoy having to live slowly, contemplatively. It's almost a living meditation.
I imagine that on the outside it looks a lot like my depression often looks. It doesn't feel the same at all. Depression has an uneasy tang to it, a hint of desperation. Or sometimes I suppose my depression tastes of shut-down, of being switched off to everything, flat, matte, monotone.
The dissonance though; it's rich. There's this sweet melancholy. It reminds me of a baby's lips, when they pucker together. That tiny pinpoint of unbearable sweetness. Once I settle in, that is what the dissonance is. But it is internal. It is all about me and my senses and finding my own unbearable sweetness. It's about exploring the textures of the wrinkles of my brain and how the outside world fits into the crevasses.
So really, as Jack White put it, who's to say that I'm unhappy 'cause I rarely smile? I might not look like I'm having fun in the way most people would, but I'm sucking the marrow of life, my way.

Contrast

Light and dark.
Day and night.
Quick and dead.
Black and bright.

Without the contrasts of mood,
of spirit,
of personality,
it's all just silhouettes in oil.
Maybe interesting.
Maybe shiny.
But not alive.

Hurt and joy.
Deep and thin.
Her and me.
Once and again.

the best and the worst thing about living alone is, no one sees you cry

Great Things, Part 9

Jack White

Friend who know how to fix technological stuff

Tiny frogs

Morris bells

Intention Sunday 1

OK. In the next week I intend to do at least 4 hours of study for my IIN course (2 on Tuesday and 2 on Friday).

I also intend to make an effort to reach out to at least 2 people during the week in a social way: either talking to someone I normally wouldn't, sending an email or card to someone I haven't spoken to in a while... 2 un-ordinary social contacts of some kind.

Celebration Saturday 1

I just started this whole daily theme post thing, so I didn't set an intention last Sunday. But, no reason not to celebrate anyway!

I got a lot done on my studies this week!

A friend of mine is about to start a brand new phase of his life, with grace!

My nephew made some awesome catches at flag football practice!

My baby niece said "bird!"

I have been consistently responding to someone's requests for help, and they told me how much they appreciate it (that's a celebration for me and them, lol)!

Someone I love is remaining positive in the face of scary news!

I asked for a massage to help with a headache, and got it!

Bloggy Days

I've decided it's time for some organization up in here. I want to do one post a day, on themes. Here's the plan:

Intentions Sunday: Each Sunday I will set an intention for myself and post it here. These may be specific or general or both; we'll see what I feel like I need that week.

Great Things Monday: Each Monday I will do a Great Things post, celebrating things I love and am grateful for.

Projects Tuesday: On Tuesdays I will post about some creative project I am working on or have an idea for.

Wednesday Wonderings: Wednesday will be for sharing things I am thinking about that week; ideas about growth or the world or myself... whatever has been occupying my brain that week.

Holistic Health Thursday: Every Thursday I will post some kind of health-related thing. Maybe something I have learned in my studies with the Institute for Integrative Nutrition, maybe an article I have found and my thoughts about it... something health related.

Friday Foods: OK, this one is going to be big for me. Each Friday I will post the results of some kind of food experiment I've done: maybe trying a new food or cooking something I haven't before. Hopefully this will be incentive for me to branch out!

Celebration Saturday: Saturdays will be a time to look back over the week, see how I did on my intention, and celebrate myself and others for our achievements.

Of course, I will continue to post my weirdness and ramblings whenever I feel a need to.
So yep, that's the plan! What do you think?

Foods That Are Good for Me

A friend (hi, friend!) suggested I make a list of foods that I am allowed to eat, as a part of trying to get motivated for eating well.
If a food is (in parentheses) that means that while I technically can eat it, I am really not planning to. Probably because it's nasty.
One * means its something I like pretty well.
Two *s means its something I like very well.
brocolli*
cauliflower*
sweet potato
greens-all*
spinach*
lettuce-all
carrots
celery
zuchinni*
yellow squash*
onion
garlic
green beans*
pinto beans
black beans*
(lima beans)
(brussel sprouts)
peas*
garbanzo beans**
chard*
quinoa
rice**
eggs*
hemp
cabbage-all*
bok choy
mushrooms*
artichoke
fiddlehead/ferns
kale*
(radish)
turnip-i'm not sure i've ever eaten a turnip....
avocado**
cucumber*
squash blossoms
black eyed peas
lentils*
mung beans
sprouts-all
okra
asparagus**
leek
herbs-all
bamboo**
ginger
parsnip-not sure i've eaten eaten these, either
water chestnut*
(yam)
(seaweed)
apple**
pear*
amaranth-definitely never had this grain
berries-all*
cherries*
peach-etc
plum*
grapes*
pomegranate
fig
orange-etc
lemon
lime
lychee
passion fruit
star apple
guava
breadfruit
almond*
walnut
pecan
sunflower seeds*
cashew*
macadamia
pistachio*
pumpkin seeds*
melon**
mango*
butter-real, not margarine
spaghetti squash
coconut/coconut milk
stevia

I think that's it.... I can use any kind of oil, amino acids, spices (except ones that come from nightshades, like chili etc)...

The Renaissance Festival

I get a small thrill every time I spell renaissance right, heh.

So, I work at the local(ish) renaissance festival. I am a part of a morris dance team. It's an English dance, with lots of bells, and sticks, and hankies. It's good fun. I love the dancing.
Someone at practice a bit ago said something about "Yeah, the faire doesn't pay us much, but I suspect most of us would work there even if they didn't pay at all, 'cause we just love faire." I almost said something then, but decided not to.
The thing is, I don't love faire. I tolerate it because that's where I can dance. I don't enjoy going as a patron at all. I'm seriously introverted so having to be around people all day long - especially people who are expecting me to be entertaining - is tough. It's either hot or cold, but never pleasant. It's dusty and dirty. It's loud and there's a lot going on. I can't eat any of the food they offer. A fair number of the people are kind of creepy to spend much time around. It's just not my cup of rococo.
But, for another year at least, it's still worth it to get to dance.

IIN Intention

IIN is the Institute for Integrative Nutrition, the school I am now doing health coach training with. I had an assignment to write an intention, and wanted to share it:

I will learn to treat myself more kindly as well as becoming comfortable, both personally and from a professional/business standpoint, helping others learn to treat themselves more kindly.
I will do this by completing each module the week it is released (including any assignments) and going as deep as necessary to make and commit to personal changes as well as fully understand the materials presented.

So... yep. That's my plan. Right now I am trying to have a dedicated IIN time in my day/week, but that hasn't worked for me so far... actually, I'd welcome any ideas or thoughts about this.
Also, beware, my populace! I might be calling on you to be one of my guinea pigs, for study support, to help me with materials and concepts I'm not understanding... and maybe to help me with accountability. I'm not sure yet what I might need in this process, but I'm feeling pretty determined to see it through (which also feels a little scary, cause, I mean, you know me and school don't get along so well...).

Magic Formula

Prayer + Practice = Perfection

Fire and Gold

"Busy not thyself with this world, for with fire We test the gold, and with gold We test Our servants."
--Baha'u'llah

It's only recently occurred to me that he gold doesn't have to just mean material goods, it can mean anything we consider valuable and shiny (in the Firefly sense of the word shiny. Don't know what I'm talking about? Rent the Serenity DVD.)


I guess the key is sorting which gold is gold and which is pyrite. Or even which gold is pure and which is too tainted to be valuable... except if the gold was already tested with fire, maybe it's all been sorted and it's all the good stuff.  Maybe we aren't supposed to fall for the gold at all... 


So how do you know what in your path to pay attention to and what to step around? I guess it's all down to knowing yourself, knowing what brings you closer to knowing and worshipping God and what distracts you. 


Thoughts?

Why Share?

Sometimes I wonder, why do I share the personal things, my personal stories?

To help someone get to know me? In that case, why not just share the insights I've come to based on the story, rather than the story itself?

To impress someone? Why not just let people base an opinion on what they see now instead of my history?

Somehow telling our stories is a big part of how we communicate... but why? Any thoughts from my adoring public?

Three Things I Didn't Like

In the past 24 hours three things have happened that I didn't like. I keep kind of stewing about them so I thought maybe putting them here would help. We'll see.

Someone was describing a woman they saw and said "And I mean, ... no offence Sonya... but she was BIGGER THAN SONYA!"

I discovered that there was gossip about me in a group I used to hang out with and trust.

I was at an event that I was choosing to not outwardly participate in, and was asked several times to take part. I politely declined several times because I was not comfortable participating (although I did not voice my reason). I was then asked to participate in a specific manner, and again declined politely. Eventually I said, "Listen, how about if you just let me take care of myself, and if you are uncomfortable with me being me, I can leave" and the issue basically ended, with a bit of conversation about it from people other than me.

No: A Haiku

Spoiler for mild course/graphic language
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
No means no, even
If it's not talk about cock.

No always means no.

Disturbing Nights

I haven't slept very well the past 3 nights.

The first night, I thought it was because of a series of documentaries I had watched. They were pretty graphic, about civil wars and cocaine mafias and all kinds of challenges the world faces. Every time I closed my eyes on that first night, I saw corpses. At first they were ones from the documentaries, but then my brain moved on to corpses I've seen for myself as well. All night I was haunted by bodies. So yeah, I didn't sleep well and when I did doze, it was pretty restless and creepifying.

The second night, I'm not entirely sure what happened... although it probably involved some tea I drank that I thought was caffeine free and wasn't. Oops. I just couldn't settle down til about 4am.

Then last night things seemed to be going well. Got to sleep at a reasonable time, no disturbing images or dreams... and then I woke up suddenly at about 2am. I have no idea why. But when I woke up I was shaky, and little dizzy or disoriented. I became very uncomfortable with the dark, and turned on my bedside lamp. For a while I couldn't even close my eyes again though; I had thoughts direct from some horror movie I've never seen, about ghouls and visceral, vengeful spirits being interested in me. This was really different for me. Usually when I have night time fear, it revolves around aliens. So different that I kind of started to think maybe I was right. So yeah... that took a while to calm down from.

Here's hoping tonight goes better.

A Conversation With Myself in Words Not My Own

"Night hath succeeded day, and day hath succeeded night, and the hours and moments of your lives have come and gone, and yet none of you hath, for one instant, consented to detach himself from that which perisheth. Bestir yourselves, that the brief moments that are still yours may not be dissipated and lost. Even as the swiftness of lightning your days shall pass, and your bodies shall be laid to rest beneath a canopy of dust. What can ye then achieve? How can ye atone for your past failure?" 
--Baha'u'llah

"And the dirt beneath my heels in the road
Obeys commands from me and serves me as I go.
And though it helps me knowin' you're never far away
I can't help wondering how you might feel about me today."
--Jack White

Objective

I was just going through a bunch of old documents I have on this computer, many from years and years ago. I found an old list of goals. One said

GOAL: Work during mornings
            OBJECTIVES: eat my own shorts

I have no idea what I meant, but it makes me laugh. A lot.

Great Things, Part 8

Been a while since I did a great things post. Bear with me here, I'm pretty tired.

Good talks with good people

Spider plants (especially their babies)

Tim Minchin

Cream soda

Jack White (and his fantastical word play)

Warm, snuggly beds to be warm and snuggly in

(Good night)

Expansion and Consolidation

It's kind of a buzz phrase around me lately. You know those times when the Universe keeps lining up experiences that point you in one direction? It's been one of those weeks... one of those lives. But lately the signs are pointing to this idea of expansion and consolidation, in and out, inhale and exhale, eat and digest, learn and understand. 

Everything is pulsing constantly. Our bodies are, our cells are, the atoms of the screen you are reading this on all the way out to the universe as we know it... everything is creating this massive intergalactic rhythm, and no matter what you do, you are a part of it.

The key, to me, is remembering that life is a unified (albeit mind blastingly complex) heartbeat. And learning to listen: finding my own rhythm and being true to it; finding people and places and things and ideas that interlock with my rhythm in ways that are nurturing.

I suspect that sometimes rhythms develop a little hiccup. Like breathing sometimes does; an odd little space or an extra long inhale. But if you go with it, if you aren't rigid and controlling, rhythm is restored. If you are listening hard enough, I bet you find that after a hiccup your rhythm is changed, either subtly or not. A new rhythm to explore and find mates for.

Depression

The interesting thing about depression is that when I have it, i don't really care. I guess that's a common part of depression; losing motivation for things you used to love, not being interested in things. I just kinda sit back and wait for it to run it's course. I think I do that with most emotions, actually. "This too shall pass."
I kind of feel like maybe I should care that I don't care. In some part of my stomach I'm concerned about hurting people I care about by being depressed again.
But there's an old ratty flannel shirt kind of comfort to my depression. Like how in the first days of fall you get to wear your favorite hoodie again, and it's heavier than you are used to, but it's warm too. So warm that maybe heavy ain't so bad. At least til spring comes round again.

New Post

My friend told me to put up a new blog post, so I did.

Here are some funny comics. Click to read if they are too small for you.

And now, you should all go watch Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog.

Support Is There

Everything I need really is already there, all I have to do is reach out and take it.
I just had a phone call with someone I haven't spoken to in a long time... someone who played a really big and special role in my life. It kind of made me realize... everything I need is already there, if I just make a move toward it. This woman said that she thinks about me a lot, and encouraged me to contact her whenever I want to.

I often thought that she was someone I'd like to have back in my life somehow, and considered calling or emailing her. Then my silly head would step in and I would think maybe I'd be bothering her, or that once I was out of her primary sphere of influence she wouldn't be all that interested any more. But I made a tentative and very easily set up steps toward contacting her and I'm now so happy that we got to talk.

Lesson learned: the resources are there, and my gut knows it. All I need to do is reach out and grab what I need.

Counter Intuitive Growth

I realized something tonight for the first time. I mean, I've heard the theory but I think I just got it tonight.
I was realizing that even though I've been doing a lot more than usual the past few days, I feel like (given that I keep things reasonably balanced) I have energy to continue doing things. It seems counter intuitive to me that spending energy would create more energy, but it seems to be working. I've heard the concept before, mostly in regards to a fitness program giving you more energy. Apparently, it's true!
And then it occurred to me that the theory could be applied to a lot of things. Spending love creates more love, sharing happiness creates more happiness... Heh, it's just like a magic penny... (cue childhood memories montage).
I've heard this stated another way, too: "What you focus on, grows." I've seen that to be true in terms of thought processes, but it never occurred to me that it would have a more outward application.
So there ya go, my learning for the day.

Them Kidses

A few days ago I was out at an animal park kind of thing with my 3 year niece and she turned to me and said "Auntie Sonya, did I tell you today that I love you?" I said, "No, not today I don't think." And she said "Well, I love you so so soooo much, as much as all the animals we saw today!"
And this evening my 5 year old nephew asked me if I could come over in the morning sometimes instead of in the evening. When I asked him why he said "So we have more time to play together."
Awwwwww, I love them kidses.

Reviewing the Situation

(Anyone else got an "Oliver!" song stuck in their head now?)

*Hums a little...*
Anyway...
So I'm considering doing a year-long distance learning course. It's with the Institute for Integrative Nutrition, which is all about health and healing through foods. If you know me at all, or have read this blog at all, you know that is something I've been very interested in the past few years.

Here are some of my reasons for considering this:
1. It's exciting material.
2. I'm pretty sure I am not the kind of person who can do just one thing (I suppose its the ADD in me!).
3. Part of the course is learning how to get clients for yourself... which I can apply to both nutritional counseling (which I would be certified to do at the end of the year) and the autism thing. Yeah, I could probably get a course on this somewhere else, but then that skips point #1 entirely.
4. They offer a lot of post-graduate support in regard to the business end of things (definitely a major weak point for me).
5. Although traditionally school and I don't get along, I think I could do one year of distance learning but definitely am not into pursuing a traditional nutrition degree.

So the net result would be:
I'd be actively doing something advance-ful in my life (you may have noted I've been a bit stuck);
I'd have specialities in two very current fields (autism and nutrition, and there's definitely a lot of cross-over there!);
I'd be educated on how to promote myself, get clients, and keep clients; and
I get to learn a lot of food/health things that are going to make a big positive difference in my personal life.

I have a "one-on-one career advising session" phone call set up with them next week, where basically I get to talk to one of their people and ask whatever questions I may have. I've already been able to check out some of their course materials and it looks cool.

What do you think overall? Also, what things do you recommend I ask about in my phone call?

The Change

Hahaha, the title sounds like I'm about to talk to you about menopause, doesn't it. I'm totally not.

I meant as in the quote, "be the change you want to see in the world." I.. I don't know who said it. I will use my google-fu powers. .. Ah. Mahatma Gandhi said it.

I'd thought I've been doing pretty good in regards to that quote. I think I'm pretty good at letting deeds be my adorning. If there is something I believe in, I behave accordingly (to the best of my ability in any given moment of course).
Here's the part I just now realized I've been missing.... Gandhi didn't say "be the change and also talk about it." and Baha'u'llah didn't say "let deeds be your adorning," He said "let deeds NOT WORDS be your adorning" (emphasis mine).
I think that in general I've been spending too much time telling people about what changes there should be in the world, and how to go about changing themselves accordingly. Hmm, that sounds more intense than what I really do... I don't just go around telling people "dude, be more peaceful!" But I am pretty good at getting upset with people who aren't living up to what I consider basic morals and ethics.
But like... why the heck do I do that? Its upsetting for everyone involved. I hate how it makes me feel. So I'm going to stop doing that. I am just going to be the change I want to see, without needing to discuss the changes others want to see or not see, and be or not be (hehe, did anyone else just have a Hamlet flash? Speaking of Hamlet, this is hysterical)
I don't mean I'll never talk about myself and my changes, or suggest courses of action to others. I just mean, my focus is going to be BEing.

Suicide

Not mine, don' freak out. Suicide is not something I am even remotely interested in as a personal option.

But as a topic, it's kind of interesting to me lately.
If someone is really determined... if they are hurting so bad that death really feels like the only option... and I mean in situations where it's been like that for a long time, not some teen-angst "I'm not allowed to go to the party I wanna die" thing... at what point have you done your part? When do you say "I am here for whatever you might need, I love you no matter what, ball's in your court?" Because ultimately nothing we do can make someone else do or not do anything.
Where is the line between letting someone make their own decision and not wanting someone to die?
Definitely if I know someone is laying in their room unconscious, I would call an ambulance. If someone tells me they feel suicidal, I would urge them to get professional help, and do what I could for them.
At some point you have to detach yourself... its just not your choice in the end. But how do you know when? And how exactly do you do the detaching? And how do you make sure you are ok with your choices, whatever the outcome?
Sometimes all you can do is let someone know you love them....

but then what do you do after that?

My Personality

OK. So my mum had worked on this huge personality analyzing project thing, but then we moved when I was 7, and she stopped, but her partner carried on all these years. And he recently offered to do an analysis for me. Which I totally took him up on. And tonight I had a 2 hour phone call with him and got the results. IT'S SO COOL!

So, here are the kind of highlights (there is a lot of information and it's gonna take some thinking to sort it all out).

Everyone follows the same pattern: they take something in, they make it their own, and they spit something back out. It's how we do those three steps that makes us who we are, kinda. And it gets all nuance-y and whatnot, but here are the basics for me.
I take things in (aka learn things) through feelings, mostly in one on one interactions. Me and one other element/person interact, and I have feelings about that.
Then, I privately, on my own, think about those feelings. So, it makes sense I require a lot of alone time... I'm doing a lot of processing almost totally on my own that others do alone AND with others, or just with others.
And then, I present my findings to small groups (a small group is defined as a group small enough that I would know everyone in it personally). Once I've given my ideas and thoughts away, I'm not all that partial to what people do with them. If they choose not to act, that's fine. I did my part by disseminating the knowledge. You might note that this way of giving to the world isn't generally seen as all that valid. Our society wants people to DO things. To have some kind of a result to point at. An "I made that" moment. Which leads me to another key point: my strongest point of weakness.
I am not goal oriented. For me, it really literally is all about the process. I feel and analyse. I create a succinct spoken or written way to present my findings. And that is my contribution. Other people, do-ers, can take it from there. The doing isn't my piece. And yet, my piece is just as valid as the do-ers. It takes an architect and builder to make a building work. I'm more on the architect end of things... actually, I'm more the designer, I guess. "Here's an idea that is applicable, do with it what you will."
Also, writing is the easiest way for me to get my ideas out there.

All of this makes total total TOTAL sense to me, given my life and how it feels best to me to lead it.

I know that I am not goal-oriented; but I thought it was because I lacked will-power.
I know that I require lots of alone time; but I thought it was because I lack socialization skills.
I know that I socialized best in a one-on-one setting; I thought I was somehow lacking some essential socializing gene.
I know that sometimes I don't know what I think about something, and i have to spend time mulling it over (I call it "percolating"); I thought I was just a slow thinker.

It's so nice to have someone knowledgeable in the field say "This is how you are. There are reasons for it. And every type of person has value, and valuable contributions to make."
After all, somewhere out there is someone who just wants to be handed a good idea so he can go out there and DO something with it!

Dune

I've got science fiction on the brain.

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."

So yeah, we'll see if that means anything in the next few days, and why it's struck such a chord in me... and why I still remember the whole dang thing.

A Love Letter

Dear Other Anonymous Friend,
I wish I could, but I cannot make your choices for you. All I can do is tell you how I feel. After that, all I can do is let go.
I love you.

Dear Anonymous

Dear Anonymous Friend Person,
I am glad that you have shown me that you have a hierarchy of how much individuals are valued.
I am glad you have shown me where I stand in that hierarchy.
So that I know now to waste my time.
Fuck you, too.
Very sincerely,
Me

Prepare Through Prayer

 I just read that line somewhere. On a facebook post to someone having a rough time right now actually, but the point is the phrase, "prepare through prayer."
My first thought was 'heck yeah, with prayer anything is possible."
My second thought was "so... why don't i do that?"
I don't mean I don't pray. I definitely offer up Ya Baha'ul'abha and Alla'u'abha throughout the day, both as a request and as a thank you. I send "prayers/vibes/thoughts" and prayer fragments a lot. But aside from an admittedly not regular obligatory prayer, I don't often just sit down to pray. I do a Hidden Word in the morning and evening, generally. But that's not the same as like... sitting down and purposely taking time out to commune with God.

 Why the heck do I not take advantage of this ... this like... super power? It's like armor and comfort and foresight and insight, all rolled into one...

 ...and I'm like "nah, I don't have the time." Yeah cause like... God forbid (no pun intended) I miss the latest facebook update? 

"Many a dawn hath the breeze of My loving-kindness wafted over thee and found thee upon the bed of heedlessness fast asleep. Bewailing then thy plight it returned whence it came." -Baha'u'llah

"Night hath succeeded day, and day hath succeeded night, and the hours and moments of your lives have come and gone, and yet none of you hath, for one instant, consented to detach himself from that which perisheth. Bestir yourselves, that the brief moments that are still yours may not be dissipated and lost." -Baha'u'llah

Some dear friends of mine recently went on a Baha'i pilgrimage. I asked them to pray for me at the holy shrines, that I may fall in love with God. I know it is up to me to answer whatever call may come. Maybe this is the call.