So I stayed up all night trying to be helpful to a friend of mine who had a lot to do with a really non-flexible deadline. And I thought it was gonna be good, because my sleep schedule has been off; so I was going to just go to bed at a good time tonight and my schedule would be fine. But around 7am I realized I wasn't going to be able to do the things I need to do today at the level of goofy-tired I was, so I went to bed for a nap. I set my alarm for 2 hours. Woke up, but was still dizzy and couldn't walk straight, so slept another 2 hours.
So now I'm sitting here on my couch crying, still disoriented and dizzy. Man, I'm not as young as I used to be.
Why crying, you ask? Good question. I asked myself that, too. Here's what I cam up with:
My birthday is tomorrow. I wish my mom were here to celebrate it with me.
My step-mother has cancer, and I don't want her to.
I'm also afraid my brother and I might not be given a complete picture of her illness.
My best friend (I kind of hate that phrase, but really how else do you describe the person you are in contact with the most, about the things that feel most important?) is moving really far away. Prohibitively far. Costs-too-much-to-talk-on-the-phone far. And I'm really glad he is in lots of ways: it's gonna be amazing for him and his wife, and their family (and then I'm gonna get to reap some of the benefits of the growth he's gonna be doing, too!) but part of me does wish it just wasn't so damn far. Well, no, that's not true. I'm ok with the far. It's the not-talking-on-the-phone much thing I don't like.
I have so much to do today, getting ready for a trip I leave on tomorrow, and I just don't feel like it's all going to get done.
I think that's probably all of what's in the tears right now... except that also, I'm not entirely sure how to honor what I'm feeling but still get done what I need to.
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