Friday, January 29, 2010

Fear of the Unknown

I think I've just realized some stuff that's holding me back from being as healthy as I can be, and know how to be. Here's the story.
Yesterday I had a great day. I ate well, exercised well, and got a lot done. But then I didn't know how to stop. It was about bedtime but I just kept on getting stuff done, I didn't know how to wind down. Eventually I resorted to the not-too-healthy method of eating comfort foods and got to sleep. Then this morning I had to cancel an appointment with my brother that I was really looking forward to, because I had a migraine all night. It was a sinus-based migraine, which I know is usually brought on by gluten, sugar, and dairy for me (ie, candida and allergies).
So a while ago I realized, I think I'm afraid of having new problems to tackle. I know how to be depressed and unhealthy and unproductive; these are problems I already know how to live with. I'm afraid of the new and unforeseen problems, like how to wind down, that will crop up if I embark on a new and healthy life. I'm afraid of having to find new ways of dealing with new issues.
But then a few minutes ago I realized... well, if I'm gonna have problems no matter what I do, won't it kind of be fun to at least have new issues to think about and work out? At least it'll be a change in the routine.
So that's me, one step closer to healthy. I think. Heh.

Friday, January 22, 2010


I recently realized that no one is perfect. Of course, I knew this before. Basically. Here's what I mean:
I know that no one is without fault. But I had some people on pedestals (for various self-serving reasons of course) and I kinda had their faults as part of their perfection... Not in a good way. Not in an "everyone is perfect in this moment" kind of way. More in an "well I guess I must actually be wrong about that" way. And I knew that these pedestal dwellers had fine tuning to do (versus major overhauls). And some of them had obvious flaws that I saw as kind of... a beauty mark I guess. Not classically perfect, but it contributes to the whole and makes it all the more alluring.
But now I see that everyone has weaknesses, wrongs, rights, fears, strengths... everyone, even the ones I so wanted to "have it all together" is really just as fragile as me.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

A Self-Dialogue on Failing

Haha, does that make this a fail dialogue?

I want to explore my fear of failing.

OK, when was the last time you were afraid of failing?

This morning while working out. I stopped before I probably had to. One reason was because I'm ill and didn't want to push it too much, but mostly I think it was because "if I don't try, I can't fail."

What does that mean to you?

I so didn't want to fail (ie, not do the workout right, or huff and puff too much) that I just didn't even try. If I couldn't do it perfectly, I was afraid to do it at all.

Why were you afraid of not doing the workout perfectly?

I feel like I'm not where I want to be. Where I should be.

Understanding you aren't where you want to be with your fitness and health, why were you afraid to not do the workout perfectly?

I feel judged.

By who?

Partly by myself, but mostly by other people I think. I think I judge myself so that I can say to other people "Yeah, I know. See, I think so too," when they judge me.

How did you feel this morning during the workout, about the possibility of being judged?

Afraid, and ashamed, and maybe a little angry.

Which of those would you like to look at?


Ok. Why were you ashamed this morning, feeling that you might be judged?

Because I feel like I should be more fit.


Because in my system of values, physical health is important.

Understanding you value health, why are you ashamed you aren't where you want to be, health-wise?

Because... I feel like it means something about me. That I'm stupid or lazy. In this case, lazy.

Do you think you are lazy?



Because my house is not as clean as I want it to be, and I don't do the things I want to (including exercise). If I would just do things, like cleaning and exercising and working on work, life would be a lot easier.

Why don't you do them?

Because I'm afraid of not doing them well enough. Like this morning.

So, you are afraid of not doing something "well enough" because you feel judged if you don't?

Yes. And I don't want to be judged because I feel like people must be right. Like this morning I was watching the people on the video and even my brother (who I was working out with) and thinking "I can't even come close to doing that" and I just totally gave up.

Understanding you aren't able to workout in the same way as the people on the video or your brother, why did you give up?

I feel like if I can't do it "right" its better to just not do it. When people judge me, I believe their judgments. If its in the areas of health or cleanliness anyway, because I judge myself in those areas.

Why do you judge yourself on cleanliness and fitness?

Because I am not up to my own standards.

Why not?

This is getting cyclic...

Ok, let switch the question a little: how is judging yourself serving you?

When I judge myself it means I don't have to try. Because I judge, so I don't try... wait, this isn't making sense.
Judging serves me by keeping me in my nice little safety zone, not trying new things. I am afraid of new things because I just don't know them. I might like it but I might not. Though I suppose I can always change my mind. Like with exercise, if I don't like it, I can just stop again... but wait. I'm still afraid of the judgment of other people. Like this morning. I'd still be afraid that seeing me huff and puff and turn red in the face would make someone (probably not my brother, but maybe) think I was a lazy slob.

Why are you afraid of what other people think of you? (OK, I know this isn't quite an on question, but this is where its coming from. I just jumped ahead mentally and didn't write it all out).

I was going to say "because it might effect our relationship" but I don't think that's it because I'm afraid of it with total strangers I will never interact with too, like at a gym or something. So... why am I afraid of what other people think of me? I dunno.

I'm gonna leave myself with that question: Why am I afraid of what others think of me.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Ok, One More

Kinda speaks for itself huh.... sigh

I'm Sick

Yep, I'm home sick. Which means I'm spending a lot of time messing around on the internet. Which means, I will share my findings with you.

Lego Cake

Bored Baby

Procrastinating Cat

Ironic Bird

Accidental Truth In Advertising

Dancing Tree

Square Watermelons

Camel Shadows
(Look closely. The black is the shadows, the camels are the white lines.)

OK, I'm going to find something else to do.

Friday, January 15, 2010

How I Use Agitation

So, I've just learned something about myself. I use agitation as a tool in my life. I use it as a motivator. For example, I just found myself getting agitated a few minutes ago and instead of just being agitated, I decided to take the opportunity to figure out *why* I was agitated. Not like, what agitated me, but why I chose agitation over any other response.
And I realized, I use agitation as a motivator. So I'm sitting here looking at the floor, right, which has stacks of books and papers that need to be put away. And I start to get agitated about it. And then, to get rid of the uncomfortable agitation, I put the books and papers away.  So really, it served it's purpose. Good job me for coming up with it and good job agitation for serving your purpose!
But dude, there have to be more comfortable ways to get things done, lol.
So here's my idea to try, instead of agitation: clean up and do things out of a love and want for a nice space, to be kind to myself. Instead of, "Argh, those books are so damned annoying I just have to clean them up," notice the books and say to myself, "Ah, silly me leaving things laying around. I'm going to take a moment to put them on the shelf where they live so that next time I walk through here I'll have a beautiful clear path."
I have a goal of going toward wants instead of away from not-wants. I think it makes life a lot more pleasant.


Thursday, January 14, 2010


For the most part, I don't really think anger is worth it. Like someone I know is really mad because he had to stand in a line for a long time. It was a two hour line, granted, but still.... why bother being angry? It's not gonna move the line quicker, it's just going to make your experience worse, and probably the experience of those around you too. Why not choose to make the most of it? Read a book, catch up with friends on the phone, meditate, meet your line-neighbors...
I'm not saying I don't get angry. I do. But I generally get angry at a situation, do my piece to change it if that's an option, and then detach from the reaction. All I can do is my piece, what others do with it is really not my concern. And if there's nothing to be done, why waste time being angry?
For me, I guess anger is just an impetus to do something. A source of energy. Otherwise, its just not worth it.

Mmm, Water

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Great Things Part 4

Warm dreams

Rivers, especially through woods and forests


Sunny days

Monday, January 4, 2010


For some reason, the past few days, I've been really lonely (even though I've been around people I love quite a bit, which is kind of interestingly odd). I've even had several dreams about having a sense of comfort and belonging with a group of people or a single person. Totally different events and people in the dreams, but all revolving around belonging.
Possible reasons:
Kahlil's birthday is coming up soon
Just plain exhaustion (been a busy couple of weeks for me)
Going through a lot of my mom's stuff on my own
A dear friend moving away soon
Possible recourse:
Oh, I don't know, I haven't got this far. I've just realized I'm feeling lonely in the past couple of hours....

Allow me to further define lonely as I feel it now though: lack of intimacy. And I don't mean physical intimacy, people. I mean emotional and intellectual and spiritual intimacy.