Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Support Is There

Everything I need really is already there, all I have to do is reach out and take it.
I just had a phone call with someone I haven't spoken to in a long time... someone who played a really big and special role in my life. It kind of made me realize... everything I need is already there, if I just make a move toward it. This woman said that she thinks about me a lot, and encouraged me to contact her whenever I want to.

I often thought that she was someone I'd like to have back in my life somehow, and considered calling or emailing her. Then my silly head would step in and I would think maybe I'd be bothering her, or that once I was out of her primary sphere of influence she wouldn't be all that interested any more. But I made a tentative and very easily set up steps toward contacting her and I'm now so happy that we got to talk.

Lesson learned: the resources are there, and my gut knows it. All I need to do is reach out and grab what I need.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Counter Intuitive Growth

I realized something tonight for the first time. I mean, I've heard the theory but I think I just got it tonight.
I was realizing that even though I've been doing a lot more than usual the past few days, I feel like (given that I keep things reasonably balanced) I have energy to continue doing things. It seems counter intuitive to me that spending energy would create more energy, but it seems to be working. I've heard the concept before, mostly in regards to a fitness program giving you more energy. Apparently, it's true!
And then it occurred to me that the theory could be applied to a lot of things. Spending love creates more love, sharing happiness creates more happiness... Heh, it's just like a magic penny... (cue childhood memories montage).
I've heard this stated another way, too: "What you focus on, grows." I've seen that to be true in terms of thought processes, but it never occurred to me that it would have a more outward application.
So there ya go, my learning for the day.

Them Kidses

A few days ago I was out at an animal park kind of thing with my 3 year niece and she turned to me and said "Auntie Sonya, did I tell you today that I love you?" I said, "No, not today I don't think." And she said "Well, I love you so so soooo much, as much as all the animals we saw today!"
And this evening my 5 year old nephew asked me if I could come over in the morning sometimes instead of in the evening. When I asked him why he said "So we have more time to play together."
Awwwwww, I love them kidses.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Reviewing the Situation

(Anyone else got an "Oliver!" song stuck in their head now?)

*Hums a little...*
So I'm considering doing a year-long distance learning course. It's with the Institute for Integrative Nutrition, which is all about health and healing through foods. If you know me at all, or have read this blog at all, you know that is something I've been very interested in the past few years.

Here are some of my reasons for considering this:
1. It's exciting material.
2. I'm pretty sure I am not the kind of person who can do just one thing (I suppose its the ADD in me!).
3. Part of the course is learning how to get clients for yourself... which I can apply to both nutritional counseling (which I would be certified to do at the end of the year) and the autism thing. Yeah, I could probably get a course on this somewhere else, but then that skips point #1 entirely.
4. They offer a lot of post-graduate support in regard to the business end of things (definitely a major weak point for me).
5. Although traditionally school and I don't get along, I think I could do one year of distance learning but definitely am not into pursuing a traditional nutrition degree.

So the net result would be:
I'd be actively doing something advance-ful in my life (you may have noted I've been a bit stuck);
I'd have specialities in two very current fields (autism and nutrition, and there's definitely a lot of cross-over there!);
I'd be educated on how to promote myself, get clients, and keep clients; and
I get to learn a lot of food/health things that are going to make a big positive difference in my personal life.

I have a "one-on-one career advising session" phone call set up with them next week, where basically I get to talk to one of their people and ask whatever questions I may have. I've already been able to check out some of their course materials and it looks cool.

What do you think overall? Also, what things do you recommend I ask about in my phone call?

Monday, June 21, 2010

The Change

Hahaha, the title sounds like I'm about to talk to you about menopause, doesn't it. I'm totally not.

I meant as in the quote, "be the change you want to see in the world." I.. I don't know who said it. I will use my google-fu powers. .. Ah. Mahatma Gandhi said it.

I'd thought I've been doing pretty good in regards to that quote. I think I'm pretty good at letting deeds be my adorning. If there is something I believe in, I behave accordingly (to the best of my ability in any given moment of course).
Here's the part I just now realized I've been missing.... Gandhi didn't say "be the change and also talk about it." and Baha'u'llah didn't say "let deeds be your adorning," He said "let deeds NOT WORDS be your adorning" (emphasis mine).
I think that in general I've been spending too much time telling people about what changes there should be in the world, and how to go about changing themselves accordingly. Hmm, that sounds more intense than what I really do... I don't just go around telling people "dude, be more peaceful!" But I am pretty good at getting upset with people who aren't living up to what I consider basic morals and ethics.
But like... why the heck do I do that? Its upsetting for everyone involved. I hate how it makes me feel. So I'm going to stop doing that. I am just going to be the change I want to see, without needing to discuss the changes others want to see or not see, and be or not be (hehe, did anyone else just have a Hamlet flash? Speaking of Hamlet, this is hysterical)
I don't mean I'll never talk about myself and my changes, or suggest courses of action to others. I just mean, my focus is going to be BEing.

Saturday, June 19, 2010


Not mine, don' freak out. Suicide is not something I am even remotely interested in as a personal option.

But as a topic, it's kind of interesting to me lately.
If someone is really determined... if they are hurting so bad that death really feels like the only option... and I mean in situations where it's been like that for a long time, not some teen-angst "I'm not allowed to go to the party I wanna die" thing... at what point have you done your part? When do you say "I am here for whatever you might need, I love you no matter what, ball's in your court?" Because ultimately nothing we do can make someone else do or not do anything.
Where is the line between letting someone make their own decision and not wanting someone to die?
Definitely if I know someone is laying in their room unconscious, I would call an ambulance. If someone tells me they feel suicidal, I would urge them to get professional help, and do what I could for them.
At some point you have to detach yourself... its just not your choice in the end. But how do you know when? And how exactly do you do the detaching? And how do you make sure you are ok with your choices, whatever the outcome?
Sometimes all you can do is let someone know you love them....
but then what do you do after that?

Thursday, June 10, 2010

My Personality

OK. So my mum had worked on this huge personality analyzing project thing, but then we moved when I was 7, and she stopped, but her partner carried on all these years. And he recently offered to do an analysis for me. Which I totally took him up on. And tonight I had a 2 hour phone call with him and got the results. IT'S SO COOL!

So, here are the kind of highlights (there is a lot of information and it's gonna take some thinking to sort it all out).

Everyone follows the same pattern: they take something in, they make it their own, and they spit something back out. It's how we do those three steps that makes us who we are, kinda. And it gets all nuance-y and whatnot, but here are the basics for me.
I take things in (aka learn things) through feelings, mostly in one on one interactions. Me and one other element/person interact, and I have feelings about that.
Then, I privately, on my own, think about those feelings. So, it makes sense I require a lot of alone time... I'm doing a lot of processing almost totally on my own that others do alone AND with others, or just with others.
And then, I present my findings to small groups (a small group is defined as a group small enough that I would know everyone in it personally). Once I've given my ideas and thoughts away, I'm not all that partial to what people do with them. If they choose not to act, that's fine. I did my part by disseminating the knowledge. You might note that this way of giving to the world isn't generally seen as all that valid. Our society wants people to DO things. To have some kind of a result to point at. An "I made that" moment. Which leads me to another key point: my strongest point of weakness.
I am not goal oriented. For me, it really literally is all about the process. I feel and analyse. I create a succinct spoken or written way to present my findings. And that is my contribution. Other people, do-ers, can take it from there. The doing isn't my piece. And yet, my piece is just as valid as the do-ers. It takes an architect and builder to make a building work. I'm more on the architect end of things... actually, I'm more the designer, I guess. "Here's an idea that is applicable, do with it what you will."
Also, writing is the easiest way for me to get my ideas out there.

All of this makes total total TOTAL sense to me, given my life and how it feels best to me to lead it.

I know that I am not goal-oriented; but I thought it was because I lacked will-power.
I know that I require lots of alone time; but I thought it was because I lack socialization skills.
I know that I socialized best in a one-on-one setting; I thought I was somehow lacking some essential socializing gene.
I know that sometimes I don't know what I think about something, and i have to spend time mulling it over (I call it "percolating"); I thought I was just a slow thinker.

It's so nice to have someone knowledgeable in the field say "This is how you are. There are reasons for it. And every type of person has value, and valuable contributions to make."
After all, somewhere out there is someone who just wants to be handed a good idea so he can go out there and DO something with it!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010


I've got science fiction on the brain.

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."

So yeah, we'll see if that means anything in the next few days, and why it's struck such a chord in me... and why I still remember the whole dang thing.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

A Love Letter

Dear Other Anonymous Friend,
I wish I could, but I cannot make your choices for you. All I can do is tell you how I feel. After that, all I can do is let go.
I love you.

Dear Anonymous

Dear Anonymous Friend Person,
I am glad that you have shown me that you have a hierarchy of how much individuals are valued.
I am glad you have shown me where I stand in that hierarchy.
So that I know now to waste my time.
Fuck you, too.
Very sincerely,

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Prepare Through Prayer

 I just read that line somewhere. On a facebook post to someone having a rough time right now actually, but the point is the phrase, "prepare through prayer."
My first thought was 'heck yeah, with prayer anything is possible."
My second thought was "so... why don't i do that?"
I don't mean I don't pray. I definitely offer up Ya Baha'ul'abha and Alla'u'abha throughout the day, both as a request and as a thank you. I send "prayers/vibes/thoughts" and prayer fragments a lot. But aside from an admittedly not regular obligatory prayer, I don't often just sit down to pray. I do a Hidden Word in the morning and evening, generally. But that's not the same as like... sitting down and purposely taking time out to commune with God.

 Why the heck do I not take advantage of this ... this like... super power? It's like armor and comfort and foresight and insight, all rolled into one...

 ...and I'm like "nah, I don't have the time." Yeah cause like... God forbid (no pun intended) I miss the latest facebook update? 

"Many a dawn hath the breeze of My loving-kindness wafted over thee and found thee upon the bed of heedlessness fast asleep. Bewailing then thy plight it returned whence it came." -Baha'u'llah

"Night hath succeeded day, and day hath succeeded night, and the hours and moments of your lives have come and gone, and yet none of you hath, for one instant, consented to detach himself from that which perisheth. Bestir yourselves, that the brief moments that are still yours may not be dissipated and lost." -Baha'u'llah

Some dear friends of mine recently went on a Baha'i pilgrimage. I asked them to pray for me at the holy shrines, that I may fall in love with God. I know it is up to me to answer whatever call may come. Maybe this is the call. 

Just A Whinge

That's right. The entire point of this whole post is to whine.
I have a headache.
My nose is stuffed up.
My sinuses are killing me.
My body aches everywhere.
My muscles are all stiff.
My left hip/lower back really hurts.
My neck is tight and achey.
Ikea didn't have the chairs I want so I have to go back next week.
I have things to sell on craigslist and to get appraised and that seems like a big pain in the butt.
Did I mention my headache?
My windows don't have coverings.
And I have a headache.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

More Maturity

Oh yeah, I forgot about this other evidence of growth. I went to this groovy new local farmer's market thing on Tuesday. It was smaller than I expected but still very cool. But anyway, I digress.
So I find myself staring at this table full of... I don't know what. It was all green and leafy, but in different shades of green, different textures, different lengths and thicknesses... I had no idea what most of it was, much less how to go about eating it.

And so... I ASKED!
It's a big deal. I used to have (and ok, I got a little twinge of it at the farmer's market too) this thing where it was so important to me to present a certain image (in this case the "I belong here and know how to cook healthy things" image) that there is no way in hell I would have asked what a vegetable was. Much less gone with follow up questions like "how do you prepare it" and "what is the flavor like" and even "could I try a leaf?"
So yeah, more relaxing, more letting go of rigidity (that's kind of the same as relaxing, isn't it).

Wednesday, June 2, 2010


Maturing... I think I am doing it.
What made me think this is something about this move this weekend. In the past when I've moved, I've tried to make it this huge life changing event. Like "OK! New scene, new life! This apartment will never ever ever have a grain of sugar in it! I will cook loads on my new stove! I will always keep this place sparkling clean!" and other fairly ridiculous and rigid things like that.
This time my thoughts are more along the lines of "what a nice place to continue my process, whatever it may be, in." That strikes me as more mature. More adult. More... realistic, lol!
Also i terms of maturity but not regarding the move; I am a lot more able to let go of things but also more able to set boundaries. I am very clear about what is ok with me and what isn't. And unapologetic for that. But when things don't *really* affect me... like, if someone thinks I did something rude but I think it was ok... it's much easier for me to just say "well, I sympathise with you if you felt uncomfortable" without either A) feeling the need to apologise for something I don't think was wrong or B) arguing the point to try to force them to see that I was not wrong and am in fact a really good person. That just all seems like a lot of wasted energy, now. Whereas even a few months ago, it felt very important.
So, yay for the continual process of growing up!

Weird Dream

Last night I had... you guessed it, a weird dream.
So in this dream, I was visiting some other city.. definitely a city, very cosmopolitan, but I have no idea where. Not even sure which country. I was with one friend. A female, but I'm not sure who. We had been out walking around, window shopping, and were returning to our rather large and posh hotel. We saw some people on on of the balconies yelling "He's got a gun! He's got a gun!" Apparently we weren't scared, although I did think it was odd. We walked into the hotel.
Inside it was chaos. We asked one of the hotel workers what was going on and it turned out that some crazy guy was killing people. Each person had been assigned a number, I think based on which room they were in or something like that, and the guy was holding lotteries for who he would kill next. As we were watching, a teen-ish aged girl (maybe early 20s) was crying and a hotel worker was telling her "I'm sorry honey, but your number came up" and sending her upstairs.
The crazy killer guy was apparently roaming the hotel, so at this point in the dream there was almost a montage of hiding. In coat rooms, a maintenance closet, a bathroom... at some point I got separated from my friend. There were also random shot-up bodies around, and lots of people screaming and such. Where I was in the hotel though, which was on the ground floor near the lobby and dining rooms (Yeah. Rooms. Plural. Told you it was a posh hotel.) it was quiet though. Eerily quiet, with people hiding and running silently to their next hiding place when they began to feel their original wasn't good enough.
I wound up in some kind of private dining room, where apparently there had been a kind of brunch thing going on. The tables were still set, with half eaten plates of food on them, the chairs and napkins all in disarray; the diners had left in a hurry. I had the feeling the people at this brunch had been older.. I think I knew that just from knowing the hotel itinerary. The room was decorated in dark rich wood, and I remember the napkins were a deep wine red.
At this point I was starving, so I started scavenging off the buffet tables... which mostly held sweets; pastries and things like that. I picked up a few things, took a bite, dropped them where I stood, tried something else... I found a brownie I liked and ate one, and continued walking around the room...

And then I woke up.
With some questions. Why didn't my friend and I (or any one, for that matter!) just leave the hotel? Fear of being shot at through a window maybe... but the streets outside were pretty busy, and my friend and I had walked in just fine.
Why were the hotel people cooperating so fully with this guy?
Where the heck were the police?

So anyway, that was my dream. I have one interpretation idea. What are yours?