Tuesday, November 25, 2008


I recently had to let go of a friend.
I thought the leaving itself would be the hardest part. It was definitely the most anxiety-ridden part.
But I think now is the hardest part. Now when my friend is hurt and will not or can not communicate with me at all. when I'm thinking what ifs and remembering when times were really good, and wondering how things went so very wrong.
Part of it is that there's still logistics to work out in our relationship, so I can't just let go completely, how I was hoping to. Part of it is wanting things how they were about 6 months ago between us, when we were best friends. Part of it is being lonely and the fact that, messed up or not, he was my closest and sometimes only real life friend for more than a year, so I'm wanting a friend which translates kinda automatically to him. Part of it is wondering if, and knowing that, there were things I could have done differently or better. And I think part of it is wanting him to still think I'm a good person. Wanting him to still care, as a validation that I'm still a good person despite having hurt him terribly, knowingly, whatever my reasons were.

Saturday, November 22, 2008


Life gets so confusing...
Should I be glad I did the right thing, or sad someone is hurting?
Should I be proud or ashamed?
Will a lease get worked out or not?
Should I go for a teddy bear or a phone conversation?
What's for lunch? Do I even want lunch?
Should I try to get my winter coat and quiet my curiosity, or chalk things up as lost?
Where is home?
Will my questions ever have answers?

Tuesday, November 4, 2008


The person I created this blog for, primarily, won't be reading it any more....
There are some things I wish I had done differently in my life.
Right now I'm tired and overwhelmed and often confused. And sad.
I think I did pretty well by both me and her, at the end.
I have some catching up to do.
I will do it. With love. Because it is my choice to.