Wednesday, July 29, 2009


Holy crud. Someone who was responding to the "modes" post via email (hi, someone!) said something totally earth shattering. Seriously, for me it was, although it sounds really simple. Which reminds me, I need to post on simple versus easy.... but anyway.
So we were discussing how I compare myself to others and get concerned about me. Like, other people don't seem to take this time out to process or center or be depressed, or whatever. And he said "well, how many people do you see that you want to be like?" And my jaw dropped. Because, despite my love for all of you, I don't want to be you. And I certainly don't want to be general American woman.
It's a pretty liberating thing.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009


In Son-Rise, there is a concept called a "mode." Well actually, its a well known concept, but in Son-Rise its called a mode. A mode is when a child seems to plateau or even regress in their learnings. It can be scary from the outside, wondering if the child will come back, have they really lost their new skill, etc etc. But the vast majority of modes do end eventually. And what's really cool is that at the end of a mode, the child often has new skills or is much more open and easy about learning, or both.
I think a mode is a digesting time. There's so much to learn, so many ways to feel and be and think and so much to change, that sometimes the kid just has to sit back and digest it all, and not work so much, or even at all, on acquiring more learnings. Then when he's got everything kinda sorted, he's back and ready to show what he's learned and take another big bite of the world to digest again.
I have modes. Not autistic ones, obviously. Mine are more depression. Sometimes I just have to stop all the working and trying and everyday detailing I have to do in life. There's a lot: balancing people and alone time is like some huge mathematical trick, I gotta eat the right things in the right amounts, exercise just right, sleep just right, cleanliness and spirituality... all of this still requires a lot of thought and process (and ok, sometimes some good old angst) on my part. Its a lot of work to just kinda... live. For me. I don't know how it is for other people. And so sometimes I just have a mode. Typically I become sick. I mean, really I physically get sick, and that's how I excuse the mode to myself and the people around me. Ain't the brain a crazy and powerful thing?
I don't want to keep making myself/getting sick, though. I want it to be just ok for me to have a mode. I don't want people to get worried, or confused, or hurt, or pissed. I don't want me to be any of those things either. I want to feel comfortable just saying "meh, ya know, I'm kinda in a mode or depressed or something and I don't wanna go out today" without it being personal ("aw man, she's sick of hanging out with me now") or scary (oh crap, she's not gonna start with that self injury total isolation stuff she used to do is she?") or a burden ("damn, now am I supposed to being her flowers or something?"). Its just kinda, part of my process right now. Do what you need to to be comfortable in yourself, offer what you are comfortable offering, say what you are comfortable saying, do what you are comfortable doing, and trust that at this point in my life, I am pretty good at asking for help when I want/need it.
I'd really like to encourage feedback or thoughts or whatever on this. In any format.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

crazy maintenance

So it seems like every 6 to 8 weeks I get sick. The thing is, I can kinda tell when I'm about to get sick. I'm pretty sure its a physical manifestation of depression.
I'm miles better than I was even say a couple years ago. And incomparably better than I was 3 or 4 years ago. I'll spare the details but lets just say there's a lot more hygiene and a lot fewer razors in my life these days.
But the thing is, I can't keep it up full time yet. There's so much work that goes into being someone with a regular life for me... monitoring sleep and food, taking the right supplements, exercising enough, making sure I get time to myself and balancing that with time with people in some magical proportion that's impossible to judge... I'm not saying I can't do it, or that I don't want to, or that it's not worth it. Just, its a lot of work and in the scheme of my life I'm kind of new to it. I'm honestly considering scheduling maintenance days. Like 3 or so days every 6 to 8 weeks where I can just stay home and do my crazy thing and not have to keep up with... well, not have to keep up with keeping up.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

People Like Me

Really, why aren't there any?
I just went out with a friend (hi, friend!) and I actually feel lonelier now than I did before. I'm just not... or something... I guess there's not people I feel like I can really share my stuff with very much. I'm not even sure why.
Do I feel like people are just so not where I am? They have kids or are thinking about marriage or their lives are just so different from mine?
Is it because I'm not even really sure what my stuff is, or how to share it?
Because I feel like people would be uncomfortable (read: internally freak out) if I seemed like I was "regressing" (whatever that means)?
Because people's ideas about the world are different from mine? Why should/would that even matter? Because our assumptions would be different?
Am I just melancholy because I'm kinda feeling old maidish?
I just feel like I'm in a different space from everyone around me, and that the catching up and explaining that would have to happen in order for them to understand the world I occupy would just take too long to be worth it, and people might not be all that interested anyway.
Who knows. Maybe after Tai Chi tomorrow I will feel better (heh, the computer says Tai is not a word but Chi is).

One More

You wander from room to room

Hunting for the diamond necklace

That is already around your neck!


sometimes I write poems


I sit to tend my thoughts and
Something fragile-green pushes it's way
Like a kindergartner's paper-cup bean sprout
Unfurling, struggling, shedding chinks of dirt,
Through the toil-soil of my soul.
Soul soil I thought was rotting, stinking, shameful
Debris of me
Turned into nurturing, blossoming, joyful
Seat of me
When I sat to tend my thoughts.

some quotes for you

First though, I AM BACK ONLINE!!!
These are some quotes in some of my recent reading that have struck me. what do you think of them?

"Animals are wiser than us in that regard. If they don't feel peace, they aren't fooled by peaceful words."
--Buddha by Deepak Chopra, p 248

"God made something innocent in you that nothing can touch. Love that part, as I love it."
--Jesus by Deppak Chopra, p 142

"People don't know they see God everywhere. They think they see trees and hills and clouds."
--ibid, p 257

"If God is everywhere, he cannot be lost nor can he be found."
--ibid, p216

"The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we created them."

"What lies behind us and what lies in front of us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

"How much longer will you go on letting your energy sleep? How much longer are you going to stay oblivious of the immensity of yourself"
--A Cup of Tea by Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh

Sunday, July 5, 2009


Was talking a friend the other day (hi friend!) and remembered this:
Discomfort isn't bad or to be avoided. Discomfort, whether physical or emotional or mental, is just an indicator that there's something we should look at or check out. Discomfort is actually exciting, because it means we have a real growth opportunity!
So next time you're uncomfortable, try thinking "Sweet! I have a great chance to learn something here!" instead of "Aw crud, this stinks, how am I gonna make this horrible feeling go away?" That's what I plan anyway... I'm actually looking forward to the next time I feel uncomfortable about something, because I am excited to keep learning and growing!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Summer Breeze

Its a gorgeous summer day, hot but with some breeze once in a while.
There's a lot of details of things to think about and decide and do with Play Partners. I do now own the domain now I just have to put something there!
I haven't been walking as much as I'd like, nor have I been eating as well as I'd like. I think I need a diologue about that... about why I'm not. I know that I could just decide to, and I would. I mean, if it was a real decision. And I know that for whatever reason, 51% or more of me is not wanting to take the best care of my body that I could be. But why, oh why....
I started taking Vitamin D and had a few really great days, but I'm still taking it and am kinda down again. Who knows. Not way down, just kinda low energy and tired, a little uninterested in things. Well, no, that's not true. I'm interested, I'm just not motivated to actually do stuff.
I had a massage appointment scheduled today but got stood up. I left a message, but haven't heard from her yet. My neck is way tense, not sure what that's about... although maybe it's from sleeping too long, now that I think about it. I think I used to have really similar symptoms when I was kinda "making" myself stay in bed late and sleep in. Hmm.
I think that's it for now. Peace.