Thursday, March 27, 2008

I need YOUR help!

Here's the thing: I'm so driven and motivated to grow that I push myself. I even put pressure on myself at times. And I get sick. I don't think there's been a month since I got here that I haven't had at least one day off. Right now I have strep throat for the second time this year. The doctor says it probably wasn't killed all the way last time (which was like 2 months ago) and its been hanging out and multiplying and planning its revenge. So here's the question: how do I get a break from being responsible for all of my emotions and behaviors all of the time? A lot of people I train with are pretty big drinkers. Some are highly sexual. Everyone has some way to blow off the world, and I need one. Please share any ideas you have! Ideas about how to relax on pushing myself to grow and change and about how to stop judging myself when I do feel bad. But mostly ideas about how to take a break from the world, that doesn't involve drink, drugs, sex, or self injury. Thanks, my peeps.

Monday, March 24, 2008


I believe in Spring! The weather has been gorgeous, sunny and in the high 40s. I can go between the car and my office in just a sweatshirt! There are buds on the trees and I saw a daffodil yesterday. It's weird about spring... I can see where the idea of spring cleaning comes from. Seeing nature get all clean and pretty makes me want my stuff clean and pretty. I've bought fun smelly candles with names like Berry Jam and Honeysuckle (honeysuckle is definitely my favorite smell in the world, I think) and ate a piece of blueberry pie from the farm stand down the road, and now own two plants I'm determined not to kill. I've never appreciated spring til now because there was never such a marked contrast between it and winter before. Spring is definitely a good good thing.

Friday, March 21, 2008

independence and gratitude

First of all, of course, Happy Naw-Ruz! I went to a nice dinner with my friend and classmate Holly to celebrate. It was a really nice night.

I had a dialogue today in which I came to two really cool understandings. One is, I don't believe in dependence. We are always in charge of ourselves and our emotional responses. So, I might choose to turn my happiness over to someone else but that's still a choice I made and I can unmake it at any time. I am always completely independent!

The other realization was how I can be happy when I don't get what I want. The secret is gratitude. Even if I don't get what I want I can be grateful for the good parts of my present situation, even for the changes because I don't have what I want. For example, I'd really like Fritz to be here and not in Europe. But I can be happy anyways because now I have the opportunity to explore what it is to miss someone and expand and consolidate the rest of my social support network. To miss someone, by the way, is to have a feeling of love and not know what to do with it because the person isn't there to show it to. That's what it is for me anyway (another dialogue realization). So all I need to do is to come up with ways to express that feeling of love even when the person I love isn't around, like praying for them, sending them reiki or just a positive thought, writing/calling/emailing them, or just taking a moment to appreciate them to myself.

I'm feeling really good.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

sugarfree and fritzfree

During the Baha'i Fast we don't eat from sunrise to sunset for 19 days. I'm not medically able to do that, so instead, this year, I gave up sugar for the full 19 days (not just sunrise to sunset). So far it's ok, though I have a friend who likes to tease me by offering me sugar a lot and telling me how yummy it is. I forgot twice so far: had a few bites of bread pudding and a Coke. Oh well.

My best friend here is leaving in 2 days to go to Europe for 6 weeks. Its a great opportunity for him and I'm really glad he gets to go. But strictly for my own selfish reasons, I also wish he wasn't going. I'm going to miss him really a lot. He's been such a part of my daily life here, since I got here, that I'm not sure what it'll be like without him. It'll be good for me, I know, but I'm still not looking forward to it.

I have another friend who's in a really tough situation right now. The problem is that when I listen to her I get reminded of a lot of the situations and issues in my past, and can get myself into a kind of rotten place. I don't know how to be a friend to her and still take care of myself. Last night she wanted to stay at my apartment and I had to tell her no; I just couldn't listen any more. I'm judging myself about not being able to get over my own stuff to be there for her how she needs people to be.