The Change

Hahaha, the title sounds like I'm about to talk to you about menopause, doesn't it. I'm totally not.

I meant as in the quote, "be the change you want to see in the world." I.. I don't know who said it. I will use my google-fu powers. .. Ah. Mahatma Gandhi said it.

I'd thought I've been doing pretty good in regards to that quote. I think I'm pretty good at letting deeds be my adorning. If there is something I believe in, I behave accordingly (to the best of my ability in any given moment of course).
Here's the part I just now realized I've been missing.... Gandhi didn't say "be the change and also talk about it." and Baha'u'llah didn't say "let deeds be your adorning," He said "let deeds NOT WORDS be your adorning" (emphasis mine).
I think that in general I've been spending too much time telling people about what changes there should be in the world, and how to go about changing themselves accordingly. Hmm, that sounds more intense than what I really do... I don't just go around telling people "dude, be more peaceful!" But I am pretty good at getting upset with people who aren't living up to what I consider basic morals and ethics.
But like... why the heck do I do that? Its upsetting for everyone involved. I hate how it makes me feel. So I'm going to stop doing that. I am just going to be the change I want to see, without needing to discuss the changes others want to see or not see, and be or not be (hehe, did anyone else just have a Hamlet flash? Speaking of Hamlet, this is hysterical)
I don't mean I'll never talk about myself and my changes, or suggest courses of action to others. I just mean, my focus is going to be BEing.

Suicide

Not mine, don' freak out. Suicide is not something I am even remotely interested in as a personal option.

But as a topic, it's kind of interesting to me lately.
If someone is really determined... if they are hurting so bad that death really feels like the only option... and I mean in situations where it's been like that for a long time, not some teen-angst "I'm not allowed to go to the party I wanna die" thing... at what point have you done your part? When do you say "I am here for whatever you might need, I love you no matter what, ball's in your court?" Because ultimately nothing we do can make someone else do or not do anything.
Where is the line between letting someone make their own decision and not wanting someone to die?
Definitely if I know someone is laying in their room unconscious, I would call an ambulance. If someone tells me they feel suicidal, I would urge them to get professional help, and do what I could for them.
At some point you have to detach yourself... its just not your choice in the end. But how do you know when? And how exactly do you do the detaching? And how do you make sure you are ok with your choices, whatever the outcome?
Sometimes all you can do is let someone know you love them....

but then what do you do after that?

My Personality

OK. So my mum had worked on this huge personality analyzing project thing, but then we moved when I was 7, and she stopped, but her partner carried on all these years. And he recently offered to do an analysis for me. Which I totally took him up on. And tonight I had a 2 hour phone call with him and got the results. IT'S SO COOL!

So, here are the kind of highlights (there is a lot of information and it's gonna take some thinking to sort it all out).

Everyone follows the same pattern: they take something in, they make it their own, and they spit something back out. It's how we do those three steps that makes us who we are, kinda. And it gets all nuance-y and whatnot, but here are the basics for me.
I take things in (aka learn things) through feelings, mostly in one on one interactions. Me and one other element/person interact, and I have feelings about that.
Then, I privately, on my own, think about those feelings. So, it makes sense I require a lot of alone time... I'm doing a lot of processing almost totally on my own that others do alone AND with others, or just with others.
And then, I present my findings to small groups (a small group is defined as a group small enough that I would know everyone in it personally). Once I've given my ideas and thoughts away, I'm not all that partial to what people do with them. If they choose not to act, that's fine. I did my part by disseminating the knowledge. You might note that this way of giving to the world isn't generally seen as all that valid. Our society wants people to DO things. To have some kind of a result to point at. An "I made that" moment. Which leads me to another key point: my strongest point of weakness.
I am not goal oriented. For me, it really literally is all about the process. I feel and analyse. I create a succinct spoken or written way to present my findings. And that is my contribution. Other people, do-ers, can take it from there. The doing isn't my piece. And yet, my piece is just as valid as the do-ers. It takes an architect and builder to make a building work. I'm more on the architect end of things... actually, I'm more the designer, I guess. "Here's an idea that is applicable, do with it what you will."
Also, writing is the easiest way for me to get my ideas out there.

All of this makes total total TOTAL sense to me, given my life and how it feels best to me to lead it.

I know that I am not goal-oriented; but I thought it was because I lacked will-power.
I know that I require lots of alone time; but I thought it was because I lack socialization skills.
I know that I socialized best in a one-on-one setting; I thought I was somehow lacking some essential socializing gene.
I know that sometimes I don't know what I think about something, and i have to spend time mulling it over (I call it "percolating"); I thought I was just a slow thinker.

It's so nice to have someone knowledgeable in the field say "This is how you are. There are reasons for it. And every type of person has value, and valuable contributions to make."
After all, somewhere out there is someone who just wants to be handed a good idea so he can go out there and DO something with it!

Dune

I've got science fiction on the brain.

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."

So yeah, we'll see if that means anything in the next few days, and why it's struck such a chord in me... and why I still remember the whole dang thing.

A Love Letter

Dear Other Anonymous Friend,
I wish I could, but I cannot make your choices for you. All I can do is tell you how I feel. After that, all I can do is let go.
I love you.

Dear Anonymous

Dear Anonymous Friend Person,
I am glad that you have shown me that you have a hierarchy of how much individuals are valued.
I am glad you have shown me where I stand in that hierarchy.
So that I know now to waste my time.
Fuck you, too.
Very sincerely,
Me

Prepare Through Prayer

 I just read that line somewhere. On a facebook post to someone having a rough time right now actually, but the point is the phrase, "prepare through prayer."
My first thought was 'heck yeah, with prayer anything is possible."
My second thought was "so... why don't i do that?"
I don't mean I don't pray. I definitely offer up Ya Baha'ul'abha and Alla'u'abha throughout the day, both as a request and as a thank you. I send "prayers/vibes/thoughts" and prayer fragments a lot. But aside from an admittedly not regular obligatory prayer, I don't often just sit down to pray. I do a Hidden Word in the morning and evening, generally. But that's not the same as like... sitting down and purposely taking time out to commune with God.

 Why the heck do I not take advantage of this ... this like... super power? It's like armor and comfort and foresight and insight, all rolled into one...

 ...and I'm like "nah, I don't have the time." Yeah cause like... God forbid (no pun intended) I miss the latest facebook update? 

"Many a dawn hath the breeze of My loving-kindness wafted over thee and found thee upon the bed of heedlessness fast asleep. Bewailing then thy plight it returned whence it came." -Baha'u'llah

"Night hath succeeded day, and day hath succeeded night, and the hours and moments of your lives have come and gone, and yet none of you hath, for one instant, consented to detach himself from that which perisheth. Bestir yourselves, that the brief moments that are still yours may not be dissipated and lost." -Baha'u'llah

Some dear friends of mine recently went on a Baha'i pilgrimage. I asked them to pray for me at the holy shrines, that I may fall in love with God. I know it is up to me to answer whatever call may come. Maybe this is the call.