That's right. The entire point of this whole post is to whine.
I have a headache.
My nose is stuffed up.
My sinuses are killing me.
My body aches everywhere.
My muscles are all stiff.
My left hip/lower back really hurts.
My neck is tight and achey.
Ikea didn't have the chairs I want so I have to go back next week.
I have things to sell on craigslist and to get appraised and that seems like a big pain in the butt.
Did I mention my headache?
My windows don't have coverings.
And I have a headache.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Thursday, June 3, 2010
More Maturity
Oh yeah, I forgot about this other evidence of growth. I went to this groovy new local farmer's market thing on Tuesday. It was smaller than I expected but still very cool. But anyway, I digress.
So I find myself staring at this table full of... I don't know what. It was all green and leafy, but in different shades of green, different textures, different lengths and thicknesses... I had no idea what most of it was, much less how to go about eating it.
And so... I ASKED!
It's a big deal. I used to have (and ok, I got a little twinge of it at the farmer's market too) this thing where it was so important to me to present a certain image (in this case the "I belong here and know how to cook healthy things" image) that there is no way in hell I would have asked what a vegetable was. Much less gone with follow up questions like "how do you prepare it" and "what is the flavor like" and even "could I try a leaf?"
So yeah, more relaxing, more letting go of rigidity (that's kind of the same as relaxing, isn't it).
So I find myself staring at this table full of... I don't know what. It was all green and leafy, but in different shades of green, different textures, different lengths and thicknesses... I had no idea what most of it was, much less how to go about eating it.
And so... I ASKED!
It's a big deal. I used to have (and ok, I got a little twinge of it at the farmer's market too) this thing where it was so important to me to present a certain image (in this case the "I belong here and know how to cook healthy things" image) that there is no way in hell I would have asked what a vegetable was. Much less gone with follow up questions like "how do you prepare it" and "what is the flavor like" and even "could I try a leaf?"
So yeah, more relaxing, more letting go of rigidity (that's kind of the same as relaxing, isn't it).
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Maturing
Maturing... I think I am doing it.
What made me think this is something about this move this weekend. In the past when I've moved, I've tried to make it this huge life changing event. Like "OK! New scene, new life! This apartment will never ever ever have a grain of sugar in it! I will cook loads on my new stove! I will always keep this place sparkling clean!" and other fairly ridiculous and rigid things like that.
This time my thoughts are more along the lines of "what a nice place to continue my process, whatever it may be, in." That strikes me as more mature. More adult. More... realistic, lol!
Also i terms of maturity but not regarding the move; I am a lot more able to let go of things but also more able to set boundaries. I am very clear about what is ok with me and what isn't. And unapologetic for that. But when things don't *really* affect me... like, if someone thinks I did something rude but I think it was ok... it's much easier for me to just say "well, I sympathise with you if you felt uncomfortable" without either A) feeling the need to apologise for something I don't think was wrong or B) arguing the point to try to force them to see that I was not wrong and am in fact a really good person. That just all seems like a lot of wasted energy, now. Whereas even a few months ago, it felt very important.
So, yay for the continual process of growing up!
What made me think this is something about this move this weekend. In the past when I've moved, I've tried to make it this huge life changing event. Like "OK! New scene, new life! This apartment will never ever ever have a grain of sugar in it! I will cook loads on my new stove! I will always keep this place sparkling clean!" and other fairly ridiculous and rigid things like that.
This time my thoughts are more along the lines of "what a nice place to continue my process, whatever it may be, in." That strikes me as more mature. More adult. More... realistic, lol!
Also i terms of maturity but not regarding the move; I am a lot more able to let go of things but also more able to set boundaries. I am very clear about what is ok with me and what isn't. And unapologetic for that. But when things don't *really* affect me... like, if someone thinks I did something rude but I think it was ok... it's much easier for me to just say "well, I sympathise with you if you felt uncomfortable" without either A) feeling the need to apologise for something I don't think was wrong or B) arguing the point to try to force them to see that I was not wrong and am in fact a really good person. That just all seems like a lot of wasted energy, now. Whereas even a few months ago, it felt very important.
So, yay for the continual process of growing up!
Weird Dream
Last night I had... you guessed it, a weird dream.
So in this dream, I was visiting some other city.. definitely a city, very cosmopolitan, but I have no idea where. Not even sure which country. I was with one friend. A female, but I'm not sure who. We had been out walking around, window shopping, and were returning to our rather large and posh hotel. We saw some people on on of the balconies yelling "He's got a gun! He's got a gun!" Apparently we weren't scared, although I did think it was odd. We walked into the hotel.
Inside it was chaos. We asked one of the hotel workers what was going on and it turned out that some crazy guy was killing people. Each person had been assigned a number, I think based on which room they were in or something like that, and the guy was holding lotteries for who he would kill next. As we were watching, a teen-ish aged girl (maybe early 20s) was crying and a hotel worker was telling her "I'm sorry honey, but your number came up" and sending her upstairs.
The crazy killer guy was apparently roaming the hotel, so at this point in the dream there was almost a montage of hiding. In coat rooms, a maintenance closet, a bathroom... at some point I got separated from my friend. There were also random shot-up bodies around, and lots of people screaming and such. Where I was in the hotel though, which was on the ground floor near the lobby and dining rooms (Yeah. Rooms. Plural. Told you it was a posh hotel.) it was quiet though. Eerily quiet, with people hiding and running silently to their next hiding place when they began to feel their original wasn't good enough.
I wound up in some kind of private dining room, where apparently there had been a kind of brunch thing going on. The tables were still set, with half eaten plates of food on them, the chairs and napkins all in disarray; the diners had left in a hurry. I had the feeling the people at this brunch had been older.. I think I knew that just from knowing the hotel itinerary. The room was decorated in dark rich wood, and I remember the napkins were a deep wine red.
At this point I was starving, so I started scavenging off the buffet tables... which mostly held sweets; pastries and things like that. I picked up a few things, took a bite, dropped them where I stood, tried something else... I found a brownie I liked and ate one, and continued walking around the room...
And then I woke up.
With some questions. Why didn't my friend and I (or any one, for that matter!) just leave the hotel? Fear of being shot at through a window maybe... but the streets outside were pretty busy, and my friend and I had walked in just fine.
Why were the hotel people cooperating so fully with this guy?
Where the heck were the police?
So anyway, that was my dream. I have one interpretation idea. What are yours?
So in this dream, I was visiting some other city.. definitely a city, very cosmopolitan, but I have no idea where. Not even sure which country. I was with one friend. A female, but I'm not sure who. We had been out walking around, window shopping, and were returning to our rather large and posh hotel. We saw some people on on of the balconies yelling "He's got a gun! He's got a gun!" Apparently we weren't scared, although I did think it was odd. We walked into the hotel.
Inside it was chaos. We asked one of the hotel workers what was going on and it turned out that some crazy guy was killing people. Each person had been assigned a number, I think based on which room they were in or something like that, and the guy was holding lotteries for who he would kill next. As we were watching, a teen-ish aged girl (maybe early 20s) was crying and a hotel worker was telling her "I'm sorry honey, but your number came up" and sending her upstairs.
The crazy killer guy was apparently roaming the hotel, so at this point in the dream there was almost a montage of hiding. In coat rooms, a maintenance closet, a bathroom... at some point I got separated from my friend. There were also random shot-up bodies around, and lots of people screaming and such. Where I was in the hotel though, which was on the ground floor near the lobby and dining rooms (Yeah. Rooms. Plural. Told you it was a posh hotel.) it was quiet though. Eerily quiet, with people hiding and running silently to their next hiding place when they began to feel their original wasn't good enough.
I wound up in some kind of private dining room, where apparently there had been a kind of brunch thing going on. The tables were still set, with half eaten plates of food on them, the chairs and napkins all in disarray; the diners had left in a hurry. I had the feeling the people at this brunch had been older.. I think I knew that just from knowing the hotel itinerary. The room was decorated in dark rich wood, and I remember the napkins were a deep wine red.
At this point I was starving, so I started scavenging off the buffet tables... which mostly held sweets; pastries and things like that. I picked up a few things, took a bite, dropped them where I stood, tried something else... I found a brownie I liked and ate one, and continued walking around the room...
And then I woke up.
With some questions. Why didn't my friend and I (or any one, for that matter!) just leave the hotel? Fear of being shot at through a window maybe... but the streets outside were pretty busy, and my friend and I had walked in just fine.
Why were the hotel people cooperating so fully with this guy?
Where the heck were the police?
So anyway, that was my dream. I have one interpretation idea. What are yours?
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Procrastinating and Packing
I just realized something about myself.
Usually when I am packing, whether for a move or for a trip, I wait until the last minute. For trips this never bothered me and I never really thought about it. For moving though, it's been a struggle for me. I thought that I hated packing and that's why I always put it off until a couple of days before my move (although I have never been late with packing). I mean, I was really really convinced that I HATE packing. I would force myself, hating it every moment, to start packing early, a few boxes every day, to make sure I was getting it done. Well this time, I am done early. I got the last of my stuff packed up (except, of course, the few things I will need until Saturday) last night: a full 3 days early!
And now, looking around at all these boxes and things, knowing I have another 48 hours before they are put on a truck and dropped off at my new place, I realize.... it's not that I hate packing. That was just the reason I came up with off the top of my head several moves ago and I stuck to it; I made it true for myself. I totally convinced myself of it! The real reason I don't pack until the last minute is because I don't like the feeling of impermanence, of transience, oh lack-of-place-and-space that comes from having everything all packed up. I don't like the odd hovering between two homes feeling that I get from not quite being at home in either.
And, even more interesting: now that I have realized WHY I put off packing, I totally don't mind that I do! After all, I've never missed a deadline. All I am doing is making the moving process as easy as possible on myself. Until, of course, my silly rationalizing brain jumped in and made it "bad" to put things off.
Humans are endlessly fascinating, lol!
Net learning: trust myself to take care of myself, rather than rushing to doubt!
Usually when I am packing, whether for a move or for a trip, I wait until the last minute. For trips this never bothered me and I never really thought about it. For moving though, it's been a struggle for me. I thought that I hated packing and that's why I always put it off until a couple of days before my move (although I have never been late with packing). I mean, I was really really convinced that I HATE packing. I would force myself, hating it every moment, to start packing early, a few boxes every day, to make sure I was getting it done. Well this time, I am done early. I got the last of my stuff packed up (except, of course, the few things I will need until Saturday) last night: a full 3 days early!
And now, looking around at all these boxes and things, knowing I have another 48 hours before they are put on a truck and dropped off at my new place, I realize.... it's not that I hate packing. That was just the reason I came up with off the top of my head several moves ago and I stuck to it; I made it true for myself. I totally convinced myself of it! The real reason I don't pack until the last minute is because I don't like the feeling of impermanence, of transience, oh lack-of-place-and-space that comes from having everything all packed up. I don't like the odd hovering between two homes feeling that I get from not quite being at home in either.
And, even more interesting: now that I have realized WHY I put off packing, I totally don't mind that I do! After all, I've never missed a deadline. All I am doing is making the moving process as easy as possible on myself. Until, of course, my silly rationalizing brain jumped in and made it "bad" to put things off.
Humans are endlessly fascinating, lol!
Net learning: trust myself to take care of myself, rather than rushing to doubt!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Ants and Black Pepper
There are ants visiting my house.
Uhm, no. Not that kind. More like this:
Yeah. With big mandibles or whatever, that they bite me with. I remember this happening last year too. I got traps last year, and killed them. I felt kinda bad for the ants.
But in the end, I felt worse for me. this year, though, I am about to move from this house. I really don't want to waste money de-anting a place that is only mine for 4 more days. I also don't want to buy anything because I know it's gonna be one more thing I have to put in a box soon. So I am trying methods that involve items I already own.
Basically, that means the black pepper method. I don't own a whole lot. You sprinkle black pepper on their trail and it apparently makes them go away. The only black pepper I have was whole corns. So the ants got sprinkled with a hail of gourmet, freshly ground black pepper. At first they didn't seem to mind at all. They kept just marching along, doing whatever anty things they do (really, what do they do...? None of them were even carrying any food...).
I imagined them having tiny little sneezes from all the pepper, and that this is what would drive them away. I like to pretend I don't kill things.
I got pretty excited last night. The ants had disappeared from my chair and couch! I couldn't tell if there were any on the carpet, they kind of blend in. This morning, though, the ants were back on the chair and the couch. They had shifted their parade path to avoid the black pepper.
Really, the only thing the black pepper treatment did was make it so I can't tell which little black specks might bite me until they move.
Uhm, no. Not that kind. More like this:
Yeah. With big mandibles or whatever, that they bite me with. I remember this happening last year too. I got traps last year, and killed them. I felt kinda bad for the ants.
But in the end, I felt worse for me. this year, though, I am about to move from this house. I really don't want to waste money de-anting a place that is only mine for 4 more days. I also don't want to buy anything because I know it's gonna be one more thing I have to put in a box soon. So I am trying methods that involve items I already own.
Basically, that means the black pepper method. I don't own a whole lot. You sprinkle black pepper on their trail and it apparently makes them go away. The only black pepper I have was whole corns. So the ants got sprinkled with a hail of gourmet, freshly ground black pepper. At first they didn't seem to mind at all. They kept just marching along, doing whatever anty things they do (really, what do they do...? None of them were even carrying any food...).
I imagined them having tiny little sneezes from all the pepper, and that this is what would drive them away. I like to pretend I don't kill things.
I got pretty excited last night. The ants had disappeared from my chair and couch! I couldn't tell if there were any on the carpet, they kind of blend in. This morning, though, the ants were back on the chair and the couch. They had shifted their parade path to avoid the black pepper.
Really, the only thing the black pepper treatment did was make it so I can't tell which little black specks might bite me until they move.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Great Things, Part 7
I'm not posting this because I'm in the mood. I'm posting this because I'm not in the mood.
The postal service, that lets me share things with people far away.
Having my own washer and dryer soon
Being able to go to doctors and stuff when I need to
Hardwood floors, especially bare feet on clean ones
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