Dear Jordon

Hello, big boy!
I loved getting my message the other day, with you singing. I can't believe you know the whole alphabet, and a brand new prayer I've never heard you say! I have pictures of you and mommy and daddy and Aliana at my desk at work, and I think of you all every day. In a couple of months I will be coming to visit your family and Oma. I hope we will get to play lots, and I can't wait to see what new things you will have learned by then!
I love you very much.
Auntie Sonya

duh, just ask!

Okokok. So I just really fully realized this last night, and worked with it today. I use unhappiness as a way to get attention. Now people, I know I've said that before, but I just knew it in my head, I didn't really believe it. No wait. Yes I did. But I didn't change it because I really believed that unhappiness is the only way to get people to show caring and nurturing. And I had ample evidence. When I was happy, active caring was kinda hit or miss but when I was unhappy, man, people rushed to love me! Well, here's what I figured out. I wasn't getting that caring kind of energy in my interactions when I was happy because I WASN"T ASKING FOR IT! Even when I thought I was, I was asking really unclearly, not at all specifically and usually not in the moment. So instead of "I'd love a hug, please!" I was saying things like "Why aren't you happier for me?" which is just a question, its not at all an expression of what I want. Duh, I wasn't getting what I wanted when I was happy because people didn't know what I wanted!
And here's an exciting second part. Suppose I do say "I'd love a hug, please" and my friend says "no." So what! They say this all the time at Option but I never got it: that means everything about him and nothing about me. He could still think I'm the greatest person ever, he just doesn't want a hug right then. He has a sore arm, he's afraid to catch my cold (I really do have a nasty cold, by the way), or he just isn't in the mood. Or maybe my friend really does decide he thinks I'm not a great person and doesn't want to maintain the friendship. So what again! Just because he isn't seeing it in the moment doesn't mean I'm *not* a great person, it just means he's not seeing it because of his own filters and stuff. Or he does see it but its not the kind of greatness he needs in his life right now. Or he's more comfortable interacting in unhappiness. There's a million things it could mean, but it does NOT mean anything about me.
What a freeing couple of realizations to have had!

Changes

So I've been working for The Option Institute and Autism Treatment center of America for almost exactly two months, and I've changed so much I wouldn't know how to tell someone who asked. Here is a really telling symptom of some of those changes though. I think most of you who read this will understand how huge this is for me.
In the past week I have:

• gone to dinner and a movie with a friend from work

• gone on a hike with a friend from work

• gone to open mic night at a club with about 8 people from work and their various spouses, friends, etc.

• gone to a karaoke night at a restaurant /bar

And that's just the past week. Its Friday now and that's since last Friday. I'm also doing some unknown something with a couple of people from work tomorrow afternoon/evening. I've become... gulp... social! And, for the most part, I've been pretty comfortable in all of these situations. Crazy, huh?!

abandonment

I have issues with abandonment. Seriously. Sometimes I think I'm kinda over it and then the universe decides to test me. I fail.
Last night someone I care about kinda inexplicably disappeared. The details turned out to be very convoluted, and a message from him was relayed incorrectly to me, and all in all it wasn't that big a deal once I figured out what had actually happened. But the point in this: when I thought he was gone for a long time with no explanation and no direct goodbye, I freaked out. "He's decided I'm disgusting, just like I always knew I was, every time I care about someone they disappear, its not worth caring about people 'cause you just get left, the happiness isn't worth the pain" and all that. It was less than it has been in the past, so maybe I'm getting better with it. But it was still there and it still sucked a lot, causing vomiting and a sleepless night.
Any ideas, friends?

It's Not a Texas Tattoo, Ry

So I got a new tattoo while I was in Austin. Its actually centered on my forearm, its just then when you hold your arm up the muscles and skin twist around. While it does happen to be a single star design, it is not a Lone Star/ Texas thing. That's a coincidence I didn't notice 'til the next day. Here's what it is though. The friend I went to visit has a tat of Orion (like, the constellation) across his back. Almost every star in it is different: different colors, numbers of points, interior designs, exterior designs, sizes... just all different kinds of stars. My newest tattoo is one of those stars. Orion's left foot, actually, but not because that's significant, its just the star I like the best. Orion has always meant protection to me (turns out it does to this friend too) so my star is symbolic of being always protected. It also has a nebula around it, which is where stars are born. This Orion-inked friend has been a huge resource for me during my move to Massachusetts and just in life in general the past several months, and I've grown in ways I thought were impossible for me; so its also a reminder that I can do and be anything, and that support and friends are a hugely important aspect of change. And that change is good and fun and even easy!
Yes, I also got a haircut. It was time. I tend to cut my hair during times of change and transition and growth, or to commemorate some event. The past 2 months have had lots of all of those things, so I decided it was time. I like it. Its shaved underneath to about the temple, and makes a rather jaunty little ponytail.

Details to Follow

I'm tired, so here's just a teaser like.
I went on a trip to Austin, Texas this past weekend to see a friend of mine. It was spectacular. Austin is a really neat city with bats and turtles and pralines and fried pickles and lakes and toys and queso and tostadas and fun and friendliness. And its really pretty too. It was glorious to see my friend and have hugs. I got a new tattoo and a hair cut, too. It was a rockin' awesome birthday weekend, nearly perfect. I'm so so so glad I went. I was already really close to this friend I went to see, and now I feel even closer, which is a really nice feeling. I met another friend there for a few hours, and that was also really really nice.
Had a phone call with Julie Walker this morning. I still get to eat chocolate! Just not refined sugars, lol. More details on that too.

dingdong, the belief is dead

I've been holding on to this belief that unhappy people get more and better attention than happy people. Like if someone is sad, they get hugs and sweetness and all that nurturing stuff but if someone is happy people just assume they're good. For the past month or so I've been annoyed at that belief, because I use unhappiness to get attention. For a long long time it was way less conscious than that, but for a month or two I've been pretty aware but unable to figure out how to get that same nurturing attention without resorting to the almost-manipulation of feeling down or upset to get it. For the past week and a half I've been actively looking for evidence that happy people do get good attention and that I get good attention when I'm happy. I've also been working on ways to get the same kind of attention I get when I'm unhappy, but when I'm going ok (thanks you loads of people who talking with me about that). Here's the consensus and what I've come to find actually works: sometimes it'll just come anyway, and I can ask for it when I want it! I've taken to saying "tell me something sweet" or "be loving to me please" and, as silly as I think it sounds sometimes, it works really well. It doesn't even feel insincere when people respond, which I thought it might.
So. I now believe that happy people get amazing, sweet, loving attention and there is no reason to be unhappy. Yay! It feels a lot better this way.