I have issues with abandonment. Seriously. Sometimes I think I'm kinda over it and then the universe decides to test me. I fail.
Last night someone I care about kinda inexplicably disappeared. The details turned out to be very convoluted, and a message from him was relayed incorrectly to me, and all in all it wasn't that big a deal once I figured out what had actually happened. But the point in this: when I thought he was gone for a long time with no explanation and no direct goodbye, I freaked out. "He's decided I'm disgusting, just like I always knew I was, every time I care about someone they disappear, its not worth caring about people 'cause you just get left, the happiness isn't worth the pain" and all that. It was less than it has been in the past, so maybe I'm getting better with it. But it was still there and it still sucked a lot, causing vomiting and a sleepless night.
Any ideas, friends?
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6 comments:
I left a comment, but it vanished. The gist of it was:
I understand. You can talk to me, you know. Next time we're both on. I'll listen, I won't judge, and I will certainly not patronize.
Alternatively, vent your little heart out to caroline@stats.gla.ac.uk - and if you never want it mentioned again, just say so at the end of the email!
I hope you know you can trust me. I wouldn't see you hurt.
Lots of love to you, my friend.
A very old and fundamental to life wound. I struggle with abandonment all the time. You are so courageous to be so direct and open in this blog. What a gift to yourself and the rest of us also. I know this may sound corny, but it does help me to know that God is the only one that will never, never abandon me. But it still really hurts when others let me down. I love you.
Ah Sonya - sometimes i feel like I'm reading the words on your blog right out of my mind...so amazingly weirdly odd. I find the same thing - and the worst part is when I have any inkling of a fear of losing someone, I completely lose my center and feel jostled around by every interaction (like completely doubting myself). There's a book that's helped me a little of late - "Eat, Love, Pray" by Elizabeth Gilbert...fantastic. In the book, she speaks of a way she got over some stuff she was dealing with - by sitting and letting the emotions just come up - watching them go and then welcoming them into her heart - she said this helped her let go of the fear. For me, I've tried, mildly successfully - but my prayers are with you - tis a mutual challenge.
Sonya,
Just had a cry over the same thing today. Abandonment can be such a horrendous wound, and it seems to effect just about all relationships some how.
It was great getting your e-mail about your move and blog! Sorry its taken so long to get back. First time I've blogged! It sounds like your move went well and you are liking the program. That was quite the adventure and a big change. I think you are incredible! Pretty courageous stuff.
I too still miss group even though it was relatively short for me. Of course I still see 'DD'.
Back to the abandonment issue-it seems to take a long...long time to heal and I suspect that is only by allowing God's light to shine on the wound and we little by little going there that there can be real healing. Again, my process has been very slow!
Love-Angell
Still here, lovely!
Well. I have some experience with abandonment.. from the other side. For a split second I was afraid this post was somehow about me (gee I'm not at all ego-centric).
I'm amazed at how far you've come Sonya. How you're out here just bulldozing through it all, being so open and learning and loving and and.. not giving up.
You.
Are.
An inspiration.
To me.
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