I'm in the middle of a conversation with a friend, about how I like to encourage people to be themselves because I truly do believe that we are who we are, and have the callings that we do, because we are genuinely needed in the world for some reason, and that our only real job is to show up in the world as who we genuinely are. But then I'm also a total hypocrite, because I don't think I show up as fully myself very often. I don't think I'm a very masked person, I don't think I'm inauthentic, but I don't think I'm radically authentic, either. I don't think I am me in a "let you colors fly, let the chips fall where they may" kind of way.
So in this conversation my friend asked "what do you hide? and I froze. Physically and mentally I just... froze... for a few moments. Because if I admit to believing I am certain things, and I already have confessed to believing we have a duty to the world and humanity to show up as our genuine selves... well then I'm kinda committed if I say I have traits I don't fully manifest, right?
Maybe. I suppose I could always use some excuse like "I'm not ready" or whatever... (see, that's my way of making this next part not quite so frightening)...
So here are some traits that I think I have that I don't fully manifest:
-wisdom
-nurturing
-intuition
-sensing inauthenticity (maybe this is part of intuition; what I mean is, I have a knack for sensing and dismissing bullsh*t)
-mindfulness (especially but not only in regard to being fully rpesent with another person)
I think those are the big ones, in terms of the difference they could make in me and in the world.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Percolating: Pain and the Pheminine
(Sorry about the title, had to go for the alliteration)
Been a while since I wrote anything much on here, huh. I guess I've been in a percolating, consolidating sort of phase.
Remember over the summer when I had that crazy abdominal pain that never really got figured out? It came back, sometime around the middle of November. I've seen specialists again, had scans again, but no one can figure anything out, again. Currently I'm actively seeing a naturopath and an acupuncturist, and I have an appointment on January 10 to see an internist/hepatologist. Nothing seems to really be helping much. The pain is pretty constant, but not very intense. I'd say it hovers around a 3 on the 1-10 pain scale, give or take a point or two in either direction at any given time. More activity yields more pain, so I haven't been doing a whole lot, but I can get errands done, went to have dinner with my brother's family a few days ago, I do short walks around the block and all... I just try not to do too much (which is a kind of fluid goal).
Another thing I'm doing is working the psychological angle. I looked up lower abdomen/uterine pain (I'm pretty convinced it's either uterine or bladder, based on where the pain is, and the acupuncturist agrees) in Louse L. Hayes' book. She has a huge compilation of affirmations she recommends for all kinds of physical and mental ailments. The one I found was something about "I embrace my feminine energy." I thought "well cool, I can do... uhm... what exactly is feminine energy....?" So now I've embarked on a huge, three-pronged research mission; 1. defining feminine/female energy, 2. examining the feminine in history, and 3. look at how the feminine is expressed in current cultures (and of course, how does all of this relate to me). Along the way I'm doing a lot of reading, a lot of talking (especially but not strictly with women), and a lot of thinking. I feel like it's actually helpful to my physical pain levels when I am actively engaged in this project; maybe that's placebo and maybe not, but either way I'll take it. I'll also take any comments or thoughts or ideas anyone has!
I was watching this video on youtube today of a flash mob at Occupy San Francisco/Oakland. One cool thing was, it reminded me very much of Baha'i Youth Workshop dances from back in the day. But another thing that really struck me was a brief shot of a woman with the words "choose your story" written on tape across her shirt. What a powerful idea; the fact that we get to choose what we want our story to be, and then act it out....
Been a while since I wrote anything much on here, huh. I guess I've been in a percolating, consolidating sort of phase.
Remember over the summer when I had that crazy abdominal pain that never really got figured out? It came back, sometime around the middle of November. I've seen specialists again, had scans again, but no one can figure anything out, again. Currently I'm actively seeing a naturopath and an acupuncturist, and I have an appointment on January 10 to see an internist/hepatologist. Nothing seems to really be helping much. The pain is pretty constant, but not very intense. I'd say it hovers around a 3 on the 1-10 pain scale, give or take a point or two in either direction at any given time. More activity yields more pain, so I haven't been doing a whole lot, but I can get errands done, went to have dinner with my brother's family a few days ago, I do short walks around the block and all... I just try not to do too much (which is a kind of fluid goal).
Another thing I'm doing is working the psychological angle. I looked up lower abdomen/uterine pain (I'm pretty convinced it's either uterine or bladder, based on where the pain is, and the acupuncturist agrees) in Louse L. Hayes' book. She has a huge compilation of affirmations she recommends for all kinds of physical and mental ailments. The one I found was something about "I embrace my feminine energy." I thought "well cool, I can do... uhm... what exactly is feminine energy....?" So now I've embarked on a huge, three-pronged research mission; 1. defining feminine/female energy, 2. examining the feminine in history, and 3. look at how the feminine is expressed in current cultures (and of course, how does all of this relate to me). Along the way I'm doing a lot of reading, a lot of talking (especially but not strictly with women), and a lot of thinking. I feel like it's actually helpful to my physical pain levels when I am actively engaged in this project; maybe that's placebo and maybe not, but either way I'll take it. I'll also take any comments or thoughts or ideas anyone has!
I was watching this video on youtube today of a flash mob at Occupy San Francisco/Oakland. One cool thing was, it reminded me very much of Baha'i Youth Workshop dances from back in the day. But another thing that really struck me was a brief shot of a woman with the words "choose your story" written on tape across her shirt. What a powerful idea; the fact that we get to choose what we want our story to be, and then act it out....
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Friday, November 4, 2011
Superstition
I often meditate at night. Usually it's just a calm centering after the activity of the day, a winding-down sort of time. Last night was more interesting, though.
A bit of background first, though. A few years ago I was in a Reiki (energy healing) class and we were doing a guided meditation. Part of the meditation was to imagine someone there with you who was a guide, or a teacher. I immediately had a very clear image of a tall man with long, wavy dark hair, blue eyes, and fair-to-olivey skin. He wore all white, in a sort of loose trouser-and-tunic outfit. He also wore a moonstone necklace. He felt comfortable, in a strict-but-kind teacher sort of way. I realized that he actually looked and felt very familiar to me, as if I had known him for a while, although he didn't resemble anyone I actually knew.
During this guided meditation I had a strong feeling that I should get a necklace like the one he wore. For several days I actively looked for the necklace online and in shops. I found kind of similar things, but nothing that felt "close enough." At that point I kind of gave up, lost interest a bit, decided maybe I had imagined my strong reactions to the whole experience. Several weeks later I happened to be visiting New York City and randomly wandered into a street market. On a cluttered table of gemstone necklaces I saw the necklace the man had been wearing. I bought it, of course, and I often feel moved to wear it during times of personal challenge.
I don't really know what to call this man; spirit guide, guardian angel, teacher, imaginary friend.... A few months ago I was feeling strongly connected with him again (the feeling of connection kind of comes and goes) and during a meditation the name "Adesh" came to me. Later I looked it up and it turns out that Adesh means "teacher" in sanskrit. I don't know if I subconsciously already knew this, or it is coincidence, or what, but it fits, and that is how I think of him now.
So last night, I was sitting in my big comfy chair doing a mantra sort of meditation (So Hum, in case you're curious) and about half way through I felt that I was surrounded by people I have loved, and who have loved me, who have passed on. It was a good feeling; I felt warm and loved and supported. After a few minutes of this sort of communing, I felt that Adesh was present. I also had a strong feeling to take off all of my jewelry.
I've never thought of myself as a superstitious person, but as I obeyed this feeling I realized that I really really am! I felt very uncomfortable as I took off my anklet (a rune of protection) and two necklaces (one is a blue glass bead that I have been wearing constantly for several years, and one is a glass pendant that was sold as a "dragon tear" and which I had ascribed magical protection properties to), and my crystal earrings. What a lot of fear-energy I was keeping on my person, in feeling that I need all of these protection amulets all the time! In fact, as I took off the bead (which to me looks like a river, which is a name I frequently go by) I actually literally thought "But how will I know who I am without this?"
Wow. For a few minutes I felt very naked and vulnerable and exposed. Then I started to feel lighter, and free. I imagined Adesh smiling at me in a knowing kind of way as I explored these new feelings of just being myself in the world, not guarded and shielded and wrapped up in my superstitions; perhaps more vulnerable but also more open to possibility.
Later, as I picked up the jewelry to put it away in my jewelry box, I actually felt an aversion to touching the items that not long ago I was putting so much trust and power into.
It's only been about 12 hours, and for most of those hours I've been asleep. I still do feel sort of bizarrely exposed and the spot on my chest where there has been some kind of protective sort of necklace feels too light. I'm determined to see this idea through til whatever end may come, though.
A bit of background first, though. A few years ago I was in a Reiki (energy healing) class and we were doing a guided meditation. Part of the meditation was to imagine someone there with you who was a guide, or a teacher. I immediately had a very clear image of a tall man with long, wavy dark hair, blue eyes, and fair-to-olivey skin. He wore all white, in a sort of loose trouser-and-tunic outfit. He also wore a moonstone necklace. He felt comfortable, in a strict-but-kind teacher sort of way. I realized that he actually looked and felt very familiar to me, as if I had known him for a while, although he didn't resemble anyone I actually knew.
During this guided meditation I had a strong feeling that I should get a necklace like the one he wore. For several days I actively looked for the necklace online and in shops. I found kind of similar things, but nothing that felt "close enough." At that point I kind of gave up, lost interest a bit, decided maybe I had imagined my strong reactions to the whole experience. Several weeks later I happened to be visiting New York City and randomly wandered into a street market. On a cluttered table of gemstone necklaces I saw the necklace the man had been wearing. I bought it, of course, and I often feel moved to wear it during times of personal challenge.
I don't really know what to call this man; spirit guide, guardian angel, teacher, imaginary friend.... A few months ago I was feeling strongly connected with him again (the feeling of connection kind of comes and goes) and during a meditation the name "Adesh" came to me. Later I looked it up and it turns out that Adesh means "teacher" in sanskrit. I don't know if I subconsciously already knew this, or it is coincidence, or what, but it fits, and that is how I think of him now.
So last night, I was sitting in my big comfy chair doing a mantra sort of meditation (So Hum, in case you're curious) and about half way through I felt that I was surrounded by people I have loved, and who have loved me, who have passed on. It was a good feeling; I felt warm and loved and supported. After a few minutes of this sort of communing, I felt that Adesh was present. I also had a strong feeling to take off all of my jewelry.
I've never thought of myself as a superstitious person, but as I obeyed this feeling I realized that I really really am! I felt very uncomfortable as I took off my anklet (a rune of protection) and two necklaces (one is a blue glass bead that I have been wearing constantly for several years, and one is a glass pendant that was sold as a "dragon tear" and which I had ascribed magical protection properties to), and my crystal earrings. What a lot of fear-energy I was keeping on my person, in feeling that I need all of these protection amulets all the time! In fact, as I took off the bead (which to me looks like a river, which is a name I frequently go by) I actually literally thought "But how will I know who I am without this?"
Wow. For a few minutes I felt very naked and vulnerable and exposed. Then I started to feel lighter, and free. I imagined Adesh smiling at me in a knowing kind of way as I explored these new feelings of just being myself in the world, not guarded and shielded and wrapped up in my superstitions; perhaps more vulnerable but also more open to possibility.
Later, as I picked up the jewelry to put it away in my jewelry box, I actually felt an aversion to touching the items that not long ago I was putting so much trust and power into.
It's only been about 12 hours, and for most of those hours I've been asleep. I still do feel sort of bizarrely exposed and the spot on my chest where there has been some kind of protective sort of necklace feels too light. I'm determined to see this idea through til whatever end may come, though.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Adorable Geekery
(Little kids dressed up as The Doctor from Doctor Who, for those of you not quite sure what is going on here.)
Friday, October 28, 2011
Great Things
Writing. With a pen and paper.
Elmo and Kevin Clash
(Kevin is the guy who performs Elmo)
Jim Parsons
(and his character, Sheldon Cooper)
Huge boats, and having the opportunity to be on them
Bell peppers
The Charlotte Waites
New music to learn
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Volunteer
I volunteer at Cedarwood Academy, playing violin and exploring musical concepts with the kids.
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