Superstition

I often meditate at night. Usually it's just a calm centering after the activity of the day, a winding-down sort of time. Last night was more interesting, though.

A bit of background first, though. A few years ago I was in a Reiki (energy healing) class and we were doing a guided meditation. Part of the meditation was to imagine someone there with you who was a guide, or a teacher. I immediately had a very clear image of a tall man with long, wavy dark hair, blue eyes, and fair-to-olivey skin. He wore all white, in a sort of loose trouser-and-tunic outfit. He also wore a moonstone necklace. He felt comfortable, in a strict-but-kind teacher sort of way. I realized that he actually looked and felt very familiar to me, as if I had known him for a while, although he didn't resemble anyone I actually knew.

During this guided meditation I had a strong feeling that I should get a necklace like the one he wore. For several days I actively looked for the necklace online and in shops. I found kind of similar things, but nothing that felt "close enough." At that point I kind of gave up, lost interest a bit, decided maybe I had imagined my strong reactions to the whole experience. Several weeks later I happened to be visiting New York City and randomly wandered into a street market. On a cluttered table of gemstone necklaces I saw the necklace the man had been wearing. I bought it, of course, and I often feel moved to wear it during times of personal challenge.

I don't really know what to call this man; spirit guide, guardian angel, teacher, imaginary friend.... A few months ago I was feeling strongly connected with him again (the feeling of connection kind of comes and goes) and during a meditation the name "Adesh" came to me. Later I looked it up and it turns out that Adesh means "teacher" in sanskrit. I don't know if I subconsciously already knew this, or it is coincidence, or what, but it fits, and that is how I think of him now.

So last night, I was sitting in my big comfy chair doing a mantra sort of meditation (So Hum, in case you're curious) and about half way through I felt that I was surrounded by people I have loved, and who have loved me, who have passed on. It was a good feeling; I felt warm and loved and supported. After a few minutes of this sort of communing, I felt that Adesh was present. I also had a strong feeling to take off all of my jewelry.

I've never thought of myself as a superstitious person, but as I obeyed this feeling I realized that I really really am! I felt very uncomfortable as I took off my anklet (a rune of protection) and two necklaces (one is a blue glass bead that I have been wearing constantly for several years, and one is a glass pendant that was sold as a "dragon tear" and which I had ascribed magical protection properties to), and my crystal earrings. What a lot of fear-energy I was keeping on my person, in feeling that I need all of these protection amulets all the time! In fact, as I took off the bead (which to me looks like a river, which is a name I frequently go by) I actually literally thought "But how will I know who I am without this?"

Wow. For a few minutes I felt very naked and vulnerable and exposed. Then I started to feel lighter, and free. I imagined Adesh smiling at me in a knowing kind of way as I explored these new feelings of just being myself in the world, not guarded and shielded and wrapped up in my superstitions; perhaps more vulnerable but also more open to possibility.

Later, as I picked up the jewelry to put it away in my jewelry box, I actually felt an aversion to touching the items that not long ago I was putting so much trust and power into.

It's only been about 12 hours, and for most of those hours I've been asleep. I still do feel sort of bizarrely exposed and the spot on my chest where there has been some kind of protective sort of necklace feels too light. I'm determined to see this idea through til whatever end may come, though.