fatigue, hives, headaches

that's what i have so far, on the third day of the yeast-free diet.
detox, fun.

my health

I've got this cool new doctor. And some not so cool old conditions.
First: systemic candida. So these little candida funguses...er...fungi?... (aka yeast) hang out in your intestines, and that's fine. They kind of have an ongoing war in there with other bacteria and they all keep eachother in check. But sometimes candida gets a little wold and crazy in there. If left too long, they grow these weird little arm things, that they use to basically poke holes in the lining of your intestines. This allows them to escape into your bloodstream. Meanwhile, so is partially digested food and all kinds of chemicals and stuff that really should just stay in your gut. So now you've got shit (literally) and candida swimming around in your bloodstream. The clever candida immediately go into hiding in little nests of white blood cells, so your body thinks "ho hum, nothing to see here!" It also releases a chemical that supresses your immune system (so ok, here's at least part of why I'm sick so darn often and seem to get bugs worse than other people) just in case it does get discovered in its little camoflague nest of blood cells. And this just keeps going and going, causes all kinds of symptoms like:
incapacitating fatigue
concentration/focus problems
short term memory
painful joints
muscle aches
extreme tightness in the neck and shoulders
acid reflux
brown colored mucus in the back of the throat
white or blood blisters in the mouth/tongue/throat
unrefreshing sleep
sore throat
white coated tongue
aversion to be touched - "crawling" skin
chronic sinusitis
frequent urination
diarrhea
chronic constipation
headaches including migraines
visual blurring
sensitivity to light
eye pain
depression
irritability
anxiety
panic attacks
personality changes
mood swings
chills
night sweats
canker sores
shortness of breath
hypertension/high blood pressure
dizziness and balance problems
sensitivity to heat/cold
alcohol intolerance
gluten intolerance
irregular heartbeat
irritable bowel
constipation and/or diarrhea
painful gas/abdominal bloating
low grade fever or low body temperature
numbness/tingling in the face or extremities
dryness of mouth and eyes
difficulty swallowing
projectile vomiting
menstrual problems (PMS/endometriosis)
recurrent yeast infections
recurrent ear infections
skin rashes
dry/flaking skin
eczema
dermatitis
acne
skin discoloration/blotchiness
dandruff
jock and rectal itching
chronic athlete's foot
chronic toenail and fingernail fungus
ringing in the ears (tinnitus)
allergies
sensitivity to noise/sounds
sensitivity to foods
sensitivity to chemicals
sensitivity to odors
anemia
weight changes without changes in diet
lightheadedness
feeling in a fog
fainting
muscle twitching
muscle weakness
jerky-leg syndrome
low sex drive
I have 43 of the symptoms on that list.
So there's a protocol involving diet and supplements and medications. The diet stsays depressively the same (no more than 2 servings of fresh fruits a day, fresh vegetables except white potatoes [but some of the veg and fruits have to be pretty limited], fresh meat, some nuts and nutbutters. Oh, and all the cranberries i care to eat)/ The supplements and medications will be kind of rotated and changed periodically, since candida are also highly adaptable. It's gonna be a pretty long term project but if all my candida symptoms are really just from the candida, the results will be astonishing. Like, I literally won't know what to do with myself. Which is what I have to keep remembering as I slog through the daily grind of it all.
The other thing going on is wacky adrenals. This one I don't know much about. I need to ask the doctor. I did this saliva lab and once the results are back I'm meeting with her again. The theory here is that my cortisol production is off (not sure if that means its too high or too low) which is why I have a very weak pulse (even doctors and nurses can't usually find it in my wrist, they have to go for the stethoscope), a slightly irregular heartbeat, and a laying-to-standing blood pressure that drops enough that my doctor forces me to sit back down and says "really, you should be feeling quite dizzy right now!" More on the adrenals later, I guess.

comparisons

Holy crud. Someone who was responding to the "modes" post via email (hi, someone!) said something totally earth shattering. Seriously, for me it was, although it sounds really simple. Which reminds me, I need to post on simple versus easy.... but anyway.
So we were discussing how I compare myself to others and get concerned about me. Like, other people don't seem to take this time out to process or center or be depressed, or whatever. And he said "well, how many people do you see that you want to be like?" And my jaw dropped. Because, despite my love for all of you, I don't want to be you. And I certainly don't want to be general American woman.
It's a pretty liberating thing.

Modes

In Son-Rise, there is a concept called a "mode." Well actually, its a well known concept, but in Son-Rise its called a mode. A mode is when a child seems to plateau or even regress in their learnings. It can be scary from the outside, wondering if the child will come back, have they really lost their new skill, etc etc. But the vast majority of modes do end eventually. And what's really cool is that at the end of a mode, the child often has new skills or is much more open and easy about learning, or both.
I think a mode is a digesting time. There's so much to learn, so many ways to feel and be and think and so much to change, that sometimes the kid just has to sit back and digest it all, and not work so much, or even at all, on acquiring more learnings. Then when he's got everything kinda sorted, he's back and ready to show what he's learned and take another big bite of the world to digest again.
I have modes. Not autistic ones, obviously. Mine are more depression. Sometimes I just have to stop all the working and trying and everyday detailing I have to do in life. There's a lot: balancing people and alone time is like some huge mathematical trick, I gotta eat the right things in the right amounts, exercise just right, sleep just right, cleanliness and spirituality... all of this still requires a lot of thought and process (and ok, sometimes some good old angst) on my part. Its a lot of work to just kinda... live. For me. I don't know how it is for other people. And so sometimes I just have a mode. Typically I become sick. I mean, really I physically get sick, and that's how I excuse the mode to myself and the people around me. Ain't the brain a crazy and powerful thing?
I don't want to keep making myself/getting sick, though. I want it to be just ok for me to have a mode. I don't want people to get worried, or confused, or hurt, or pissed. I don't want me to be any of those things either. I want to feel comfortable just saying "meh, ya know, I'm kinda in a mode or depressed or something and I don't wanna go out today" without it being personal ("aw man, she's sick of hanging out with me now") or scary (oh crap, she's not gonna start with that self injury total isolation stuff she used to do is she?") or a burden ("damn, now am I supposed to being her flowers or something?"). Its just kinda, part of my process right now. Do what you need to to be comfortable in yourself, offer what you are comfortable offering, say what you are comfortable saying, do what you are comfortable doing, and trust that at this point in my life, I am pretty good at asking for help when I want/need it.
I'd really like to encourage feedback or thoughts or whatever on this. In any format.

crazy maintenance

So it seems like every 6 to 8 weeks I get sick. The thing is, I can kinda tell when I'm about to get sick. I'm pretty sure its a physical manifestation of depression.
I'm miles better than I was even say a couple years ago. And incomparably better than I was 3 or 4 years ago. I'll spare the details but lets just say there's a lot more hygiene and a lot fewer razors in my life these days.
But the thing is, I can't keep it up full time yet. There's so much work that goes into being someone with a regular life for me... monitoring sleep and food, taking the right supplements, exercising enough, making sure I get time to myself and balancing that with time with people in some magical proportion that's impossible to judge... I'm not saying I can't do it, or that I don't want to, or that it's not worth it. Just, its a lot of work and in the scheme of my life I'm kind of new to it. I'm honestly considering scheduling maintenance days. Like 3 or so days every 6 to 8 weeks where I can just stay home and do my crazy thing and not have to keep up with... well, not have to keep up with keeping up.

People Like Me

Really, why aren't there any?
I just went out with a friend (hi, friend!) and I actually feel lonelier now than I did before. I'm just not... or something... I guess there's not people I feel like I can really share my stuff with very much. I'm not even sure why.
Do I feel like people are just so not where I am? They have kids or are thinking about marriage or their lives are just so different from mine?
Is it because I'm not even really sure what my stuff is, or how to share it?
Because I feel like people would be uncomfortable (read: internally freak out) if I seemed like I was "regressing" (whatever that means)?
Because people's ideas about the world are different from mine? Why should/would that even matter? Because our assumptions would be different?
Am I just melancholy because I'm kinda feeling old maidish?
I just feel like I'm in a different space from everyone around me, and that the catching up and explaining that would have to happen in order for them to understand the world I occupy would just take too long to be worth it, and people might not be all that interested anyway.
Who knows. Maybe after Tai Chi tomorrow I will feel better (heh, the computer says Tai is not a word but Chi is).

One More

You wander from room to room

Hunting for the diamond necklace

That is already around your neck!

--Rumi