Really, why aren't there any?
I just went out with a friend (hi, friend!) and I actually feel lonelier now than I did before. I'm just not... or something... I guess there's not people I feel like I can really share my stuff with very much. I'm not even sure why.
Do I feel like people are just so not where I am? They have kids or are thinking about marriage or their lives are just so different from mine?
Is it because I'm not even really sure what my stuff is, or how to share it?
Because I feel like people would be uncomfortable (read: internally freak out) if I seemed like I was "regressing" (whatever that means)?
Because people's ideas about the world are different from mine? Why should/would that even matter? Because our assumptions would be different?
Am I just melancholy because I'm kinda feeling old maidish?
I just feel like I'm in a different space from everyone around me, and that the catching up and explaining that would have to happen in order for them to understand the world I occupy would just take too long to be worth it, and people might not be all that interested anyway.
Who knows. Maybe after Tai Chi tomorrow I will feel better (heh, the computer says Tai is not a word but Chi is).
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
Ash and I were just talking about how we aren't really making any connections here.
Consider that we all want to be understood, and so we feel as if we need to explain everything about ourselves, going waaaaay back, so that we can be sure that others view us with the proper perspective.
I am reminded that there are a TON of people in the world, in the city, in my day-to-day interactions, and only some of them are going to be near to or on the same "level" as me. I can still interact with the others, but I tend to gravitate to those few, because like attracts like. Hanging out with people I shouldn't be hanging out with leaves me-like you said-almost worse off than before.
Lastly, its not personal. Even though it feels like it-someone who doesn't get me is reacting to their own discomfort...not my problem. Love you and don't book any flights to NZ cuz we aren't sure how much longer we will be here!
I do not take it personally, but I can't help but .......well, alright. All I'll say is this:
"Because I feel like people would be uncomfortable (read: internally freak out) if I seemed like I was "regressing" (whatever that means)?"
I, for one, would not be uncomfortable or judging.*
Okay I'm not gonna just say one thing.
"I just feel like I'm in a different space from everyone around me, and that the catching up and explaining that would have to happen in order for them to understand the world I occupy would just take too long to be worth it, and people might not be all that interested anyway."
If people aren't interested, so what? Then they're not interested and you "wasted" some time. Who cares, right? So taking THAT out of the equation, you just stated what appears to be a clear belief about the value (worth) of sharing. What you said seems to say--to me--that on some level you don't see the value in sharing at all. So what IS the value of sharing? What could you get out of talking about your life ("share my stuff") with others?
*After typing that, I wanted to change it to judicial. Then maybe judicious. All around, 'judging' just doesn't look right. heh. :)
well yeah, you're right ry. on some levels... a lot of levels... i'm still realising and working on believing in the value of sharing. remember say 4 or 5 years ago, how little i shared of anything real, or anything at all? when i first started therapy with donna (thats 7 or 8 years ago now i guess) she actually had me diagnosed as electively mute. a label which i've carried before, too. so yeah... i still sometimes look around and think "dammit, what the heck is the point here?"
i also, although its another thing i'm working on (see what i mean about there is so much damn stuff i have to consciously do every day just to stay relatively sane!), take almost everything personally to one degree or another. so its not just "oh well, wasted some time" its "sucked their valuable time into the worthless void of me." ok, its not that bad any more, though it has been. but i still get an unpleasantly guilt-like feeling when time is spent on me and my problems. i keep track, and try to make my relationship's time spent factor come out even or on the side of less-of-me-than-others.
and yes my people, i know this isn't healthy thinking. i know. trust me, i definitely know. and yet its often my thinking that i have to deal with and reason to myself about and its... well, its damn hard.
still in a kinda rough spot, sorry if this is ... rough.
I hear you.
PS: Eight years ago? Wow. Time flies.
PPS: I don't need or even want your apology. Because I don't want to have to apologize if I'm in a similar 'rough' place. S'all good.
Post a Comment