Conundrum Solved

I have the best friends. Had a long talk with one of them last night about the whole probation/fear/body thing. I love how he isn't afraid to just be direct and honest even though sometimes its tough to hear. Anyway, I wanna work through it and all. Which I think I knew I would, I just wanted time to feel bad about it for a while first. I swear though, I have the best friends. This one in particular is really good at cutting through equivocations and BS (even when I don't yet know that's what I'm doing) and also at reminding me to be grateful. Thanks, Shaun.

Winter in Hawaii

Winter is here. It was kinda amusing the first few little snows, but this snow is neither little nor amusing. Everything is basically functional and all (no snow days!) but just slower than usual. The snow is up to about my midcalf. Driving in it is not as scary as I thought it would be, if you just go really slow. I have snow tires and things like that too. There's plows all around, at all hours. It's an irritating sound when they go by because of the metal-on-pavement scrape and the loud engines, but its kind of a comforting sound too, knowing that things are being taken care of and I could probably get out if I needed to. The scenery is monochromatic, and not in a calming way; in a boring, craving color kind of way. So, while first kinda fun, winter is no longer amusing. And I still have about 4 months of it left. Why isn't the Option Institute in Hawaii?

Ultimatum

I've been given something of a deadline in my training. If I am not through with an issue by February I will be put on probation. Probation means, you have one month to get through something and no class time will be spent on it, its just all you. If you aren't done with it in that one month, you are out of the program. So now I am working on whether its worth pushing myself on this one issue. Its big for me. Its being comfortable with having attention focused on my body. That's really scary for me, but necessary in the playroom with autistic kids, as we want to be the most exciting thing in the room. A child facilitator's body is her most important tool and she has to be completely comfortable with it and with using it in any way. I'm not. And I don't know if I want to be. I know that I can be, if I want it. I'm kinda stuck on this, because its so big for me. I don't know if I want the training bad enough to work through this scary issue.

November

Wow, I missed all of November...
I'm a pretty busy person these days. I work 8:30 to 5:30 doing training and administrative services stuff (the latter being how I pay off my tuition for the former, in a kind of work/study arrangement), then each week that we have a program at the Institute I work on Sunday from 5 to 9 in the parking lot greeting participants as they arrive and telling them where their rooms are. Every week night that we have a program I close the kitchen too, which is from 7 to about 9 or 10 depending on the size of the program. My class is done with the official class-wide pre-assigned homework papers and essays, but we still get individual homework from class and teachers and have two sheets to fill out every week asking questions about things we've observed. Then I get acupuncture pretty much every Saturday afternoon, and my acupuncturist is also the person I'm closest to here so we then hang out til the wee hours of Sunday morning generally. Actually, Fritz and I hang out so much that if one of us says "we did such and such" everyone just assumes the "we" bit is me and him (no, matchmakers, there is no romance there: he has a girlfriend in England and we are simply close and loving friends). I generally spend some time every weekend with another friend Shaun. He's teaching me guitar and I give him reiki and we have the most bizarre intellectual/philosophical talks about things like how the concept of a concept is impossible to define because you have to use concepts to do so. Somewhat pointless but entertaining, and once in a while we come with something actually useful. I do things with Susan and Paula and Holly too. Fritz and Shaun work in the kitchen and Holly, Susan, and Paula are in my training program. Actually, Susan recently graduated it, Paula is about to, and Holly is in my class. Then there's going to the laundromat, shopping, all the driving you have to do around here to get anywhere, trying to get decent amounts of sleep, making sure I have time to just sit around and read or whatever, getting my personal homework done.... So yeah. Business. To all of you I don't keep in great contact with, it's not because I don't love you! It's just that I'm busy making myself the best me I can be, as a tribute and a help to you and all that you mean to me, because I do love you.

Dear Jordon

Hello, big boy!
I loved getting my message the other day, with you singing. I can't believe you know the whole alphabet, and a brand new prayer I've never heard you say! I have pictures of you and mommy and daddy and Aliana at my desk at work, and I think of you all every day. In a couple of months I will be coming to visit your family and Oma. I hope we will get to play lots, and I can't wait to see what new things you will have learned by then!
I love you very much.
Auntie Sonya

duh, just ask!

Okokok. So I just really fully realized this last night, and worked with it today. I use unhappiness as a way to get attention. Now people, I know I've said that before, but I just knew it in my head, I didn't really believe it. No wait. Yes I did. But I didn't change it because I really believed that unhappiness is the only way to get people to show caring and nurturing. And I had ample evidence. When I was happy, active caring was kinda hit or miss but when I was unhappy, man, people rushed to love me! Well, here's what I figured out. I wasn't getting that caring kind of energy in my interactions when I was happy because I WASN"T ASKING FOR IT! Even when I thought I was, I was asking really unclearly, not at all specifically and usually not in the moment. So instead of "I'd love a hug, please!" I was saying things like "Why aren't you happier for me?" which is just a question, its not at all an expression of what I want. Duh, I wasn't getting what I wanted when I was happy because people didn't know what I wanted!
And here's an exciting second part. Suppose I do say "I'd love a hug, please" and my friend says "no." So what! They say this all the time at Option but I never got it: that means everything about him and nothing about me. He could still think I'm the greatest person ever, he just doesn't want a hug right then. He has a sore arm, he's afraid to catch my cold (I really do have a nasty cold, by the way), or he just isn't in the mood. Or maybe my friend really does decide he thinks I'm not a great person and doesn't want to maintain the friendship. So what again! Just because he isn't seeing it in the moment doesn't mean I'm *not* a great person, it just means he's not seeing it because of his own filters and stuff. Or he does see it but its not the kind of greatness he needs in his life right now. Or he's more comfortable interacting in unhappiness. There's a million things it could mean, but it does NOT mean anything about me.
What a freeing couple of realizations to have had!

Changes

So I've been working for The Option Institute and Autism Treatment center of America for almost exactly two months, and I've changed so much I wouldn't know how to tell someone who asked. Here is a really telling symptom of some of those changes though. I think most of you who read this will understand how huge this is for me.
In the past week I have:

• gone to dinner and a movie with a friend from work

• gone on a hike with a friend from work

• gone to open mic night at a club with about 8 people from work and their various spouses, friends, etc.

• gone to a karaoke night at a restaurant /bar

And that's just the past week. Its Friday now and that's since last Friday. I'm also doing some unknown something with a couple of people from work tomorrow afternoon/evening. I've become... gulp... social! And, for the most part, I've been pretty comfortable in all of these situations. Crazy, huh?!