Dialogue (Option Style)

A dialogue with myself exploring why I judge myself so harshly for craving sugar and gluten. A dialogue is a process taught at the Option Institute (where I was for a year), a type of question and attitude for exploring self and instigating change. As follows:

OK, so why do you jusdge yourself so harshly for craving sugar and gluten?

Because then it's more ok if I mess up.

How does judging make it more ok to eat sugar and gluten?

Because if its hard to quit, its more reasonable to eat it. Like with quitting smoking, people applaud you if you cut back, they applaud the effort. But I feel like I'm supposed to just stop flat out.

Why do you feel like you are supposed to just stop?

Because people treat it like it should be easy. But I guess that doesn't mean it has to be easy for me.

Does it mean that?

No.

OK. So why do you judge yourself harshly if you want to eat sugar and gluten?

As a way to stop myself from doing it; if I eat it, then I'm a really bad person and get a lot of self-punishment, so I avoid it.

How's that working for you?

It kinda sucks, 'cause I mess up anyway, but then I also have to feel bad about it. But I'm afraid to stop judging, because I don't know how else to stop from eating the stuff.

What are some ideas for other ways to stop?

Reward myself for certain periods of time without doing it... but I can't think of any rewards that I'm not already doing regularly or that don't involve sugar and gluten. Or just decide I want to be healthy and that its worth any sacrifice.

Do you believe that?

No. I don't know for sure if its worth it or not. I've never really been healthy. But wait. Wouldn't it just make it ok to go out and eat sugar and all, if I didn't judge it?

You tell me. Would it?

No... because its still not the healthiest option. I mean... it would be OK. But it wouldn't be the healthiest choice. So its back to deciding if I really want to be healthy.

Great! So, do you want to be healthy?

I... don't know.

If you had to take a guess what would it be?

I hate that (lol)! OK, if i took a guess, I would guess... no.

Why not?

Because I don't know what its like to be healthy, how it might feel, what I might do... I might have to change the story I tell myself about who I am.

How do you feel about that?

Afraid.

Why does changing your story mean you feel afraid?

I might not like who I become. Like sometimes I get really silly or over assertive and such. Sometimes when I'm feeling good I'm not sure I like myself all that much. I think I might be annoying. Especially when people are used to quiet me. ... Maybe it doesn't matter.... I guess I might wind up losing friends, in the long run though. I used to (and still to some degree) not like being around really energetic people. I found/find it annoying sometimes. I don't want people to feel that about me.

Why not?

Because the people I'm friends with now mean a lot to me. I don't want to lose them.

How do you feel at the thought of maybe losing some friends if you change a lot as you become healthy?

Afraid. And sad.

Which one would you like to explore?

Sad. Because I think I'm just afraid of feeling sad anyway, so sad is the root.

OK. why does the thought of maybe losing friends mean you feel sad?

Because I would miss them. And I might not make more and then I'd just be this hyper, annoying, lonely thing.

Do you think that would happen?

No. Not really. I think most of the people I hang out with would appreciate if I had more energy and was more lively.

So are you still afraid of losing friends if you change?

No. But I still kind of want to judge myself so its OK with me if I mess up and eat sugar etc.

Why is it not OK with you if you eat sugar and gluten?

Because it means I'm weak.

Why does eating sugar and gluten mean you are weak?

OK, it doesn't really. Because I'm actually doing pretty well, considering where I'm coming from with it all.

Great! So would you still judge yourself for wanting to eat those things?

Maybe a little... because I'm still not sure how else to motivate myself. Going towards health doesn't seem to be motivating enough.

Why not?

Well, actually, it might be. I've never really tried it, without being afraid of being healthy, which kinda makes it all backfire. I think I'm going to try that. I guess.

You sound unsure. Is there anything else you'd like to explore?

No, I want to stop for now. this post is already way too long. ;)