Its just that I'm a little confused about where home is right now. I feel connected to both NC and MA now, which kinda leaves me not feeling connected at all even though I'm still just as connected to people. Some of the most important people in my life have never been geographically close to me: they are in Texas and Sweden and England and far off places like that but I still feel unconnected to them right now.
People have been really great about calling me and keeping in touch; it makes me feel loved but it makes me miss them more too I think. All in all though, please don't stop calling.
Tuesday night was really extra hard. I called my brother to give him my address and it was in the middle of this Tuesday dinner and Baha'i study thing. I could hear everyone together, and looked around my empty apartment and got sad, even though I got to talk with Rio and the Js, both big and lil. I wound up having a pretty short conversation with another friend, who then wasn't able to call back when he'd planned. When I called him, he still wasn't able to talk. So I went for a walk and called three other folk... who luckily didn't wake up when their phones rang at 4am but got some pretty confused and panicky messages. Eventually I got back to the first friend, who was amazing and I made it through the night mostly intact. I get really conflicted about asking people for help like that. Even though this 4am-friend said, “This is when you are supposed to call. When you need me, make sure I hear you.” I think I don't trust myself or other people to do what's best for ourselves. That bears thinking about. Again. Sigh.
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