White Lies: A Response

A friend of mine recently wrote a blog post about white lies. My take on her post was that while she is wanting to be honest with others, she is struggling with how, in some situations, to remain authentic but not be hurtful. Her post and one of the comments someone else left on it, brought up a lot of thoughts for me. Here are some of them.

I know that in our society we are expected to lie sometimes. If someone cooks us a meal, we are supposed to say it was delicious even if it tastes like wet newspaper. If we don't like someone's outfit, we are still supposed to tell them they look lovely.

But why? I mean, I'm not going to say things like "That was the worst meal I ever choked down" or "You look awful, I'm embarrassed to be seen with you."

But I do believe there's a middle ground. I can say what is true for me without being cruel or harsh. I can share my authentic ideas and thoughts and feelings while still having regard for other people's feelings.

So "To be honest, the food was a bit bland for my tastes, but I so appreciate the effort you went through" or "That dress isn't my favorite of yours, I don't think it's as flattering as some of the other outfits I've seen you in: like that green one the other day! Hot!"

I guess there's a line, which probably varies for each situation: how far am I willing to give up honesty in exchange for not being hurtful. Sure, it might feel better in the moment for another person to hear that everything is great and beautiful and shiny. In the long run though, I'm more interested in an honest and open exchange between me and the people I care about. I think that it avoids long term problems (how many times would I be able to eat that horrible meal and have to say how great it is before I snap?) and creates a more real closeness and fosters trust. They know they are getting to know the real me. And if someone knows I will be honest even when it might be uncomfortable, they can be pretty sure I will always be as honest as I can.

If a person is so sensitive they can't handle my speaking my truth, that's not my responsibility. I'd be glad to process it with them, answer what questions they may have, explain why I said what I said. But I will not misrepresent myself just to create ease and comfort for someone else. I'm not a product designed for comfortable consumption, I am a person with my own thoughts and ideas and feelings, and I think it is entirely my right, maybe even my responsibility, to share them.