Ch-ch-ch-changes

OK, so I think that maybe one reason I'm not making the changes in my life that I want to is that I'm overwhelmed by all my ideas. So I've made a list of things I would like to do, and I will pick 2 or 3 at a time to work on. I've decided to pick not the ones that seem most important, but the ones that seem post doable. And even if several seem doable, I will only do 2 or 3 at a time. Generally.

• Bless the food that I am eating, with gratitude
• Do not eat sugar.
• Do not eat gluten.
• Say my 95 Alla'u'abhas daily, consistently.
• Say my Obligatory Prayer daily, consistently.
• Read the Baha'i Writings every morning, consistently.
• Read the Baha'i Writings every evening, consistently.
• Do some form of exercise for at least 30 minutes daily.
• Meditate and/or listen to BellaRuth guided imagery CDs (I'm not sure how often/for how long I would like this to be).
• Cook/prepare meals at home, such that I eat out only once or twice per week.
• Either speak or write daily gratitudes.
• Massage my feet and lower legs daily (I have issues with the muscles there).

Things along these lines that I have already accomplished within the last year or so:

• Do not eat fast food.
• Keep my house reasonably picked up and clean.
• Attend Baha'i Feast regularly (ie, not missing it unless there is a genuine reason to).
• Get regular massages/body work of some type.
• Eat only very limited amounts of dairy.
• Eat only limited amounts of soy.
• Do not consume caffeine, except very rarely in very limited amounts, early in the day.
• Sleep without medication.

The first few things I am going to tackle are:

• No gluten
• Read the Baha'i Writings in the evening
• Bless my food

I plan to do these for the month of October, so that they become habit, before I look at adding in other things.

Hell's Kitchen

I crack myself up sometimes!
Hell's Kitchen is this TV show where the infamous Gordon Ramsey makes some of the country's top chefs prove are good they are, and they get to become the head chef of some totally top class restaurant.
I'm watching it on Hulu right now and thinking "Aw, man, I could never be on Hell's Kitchen because I'm allergic to shellfish, but they have to cook it all the time, and sometimes eat it."
And then it occurred to me: the real reason I will never be on Hell's Kitchen is because I am just not a chef. Heck, I can barely cook an egg!

Usefulness

I was visiting my dad this past week, helping out because his wife just had surgery. Since I got back home (2 days ago) I've had a kind of empty feeling somewhere in my gut. Here is my current diagnosis: I think that while I was helping out I felt useful. And now I'm back to kind of not doing much. So I think maybe the empty spot is about feeling useless.
Easy solution, right? Do something! Yeah....
I do plan to apply for a part-time position at a health food store very near me.
There's school things I could be working on.
I seem to be slightly paralyzed, though...
More later, I guess.

My Picture (AKA Why I Set the Boundaries I Do)

This idea has been bouncing around in me for a while now, and I've started to take action on it a lot already. yesterday, though, I heard some song lyrics that gave me a nice visual, so I thought I'd share.

"I'm adding something new to the mixture
So there's a different hue to your picture."
--The Raconteurs

So I imagine my life is a painting, right? Who knows what the heck the overall picture is, that's an analogy for another day. But every element in my life; every person I talk with, every meal I eat, every movie I watch... everything in my life is adding something to the picture, changing the hue, no matter how slight.

I'm not interested in creating a muddy or gray or monotone picture.

I'm not interested in creating a neon-bright or confused picture either, mind you.

I'm interested in a balanced, easy-on-the-eyes, clear, bold composition.

And if something isn't adding beauty to the piece, I simply don't need it.

So in practical terms, what that means is not watching movies or shows or newscasts that are disturbing, not hanging out with people who are negative (in a majority way; of course everyone has down times), not listening to music with angry or depressing lyrics.
I am in control of the hue my life picture, and which things are in the mixture.

Marylin Monroe

Apparently Marylin Monroe said "sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together," which I liked, so I put it here so I don't lose it and can think about it later. With a picture so the post isn't stupidly short and boring.

My Birthday

I had a kind of non-traditional birthday this year. Usually I spend it at home. I make my gratitude cards, and send them to people who have been a big influence in my life over the past year. I usually watch a movie. I usually have a family part in the evening with my brother's amazing cooking.

This year I'm involved in a gratitude adventure of a different kind. I spent my birthday driving, on my way to Massachusetts to help out my dad and his wife. I was on the road for about 11 hours, including a few bathroom breaks. I have a few more to go today.
In a way it was kind of nice to have so much time with just me and some music, contemplating things, enjoying scenery. In a way I wish I'd been able to be in touch with people more, although I did get a couple of sweet phone calls from family, which I really appreciate.
When I bought dinner I decided to go with a Chinese place rather than a fast food salad or something (I stopped for the night in a pretty rural place and those were my only options). About a quarter of the way through the meal though my stomach started to get pretty upset and I took the hint and stopped eating. Luckily it didn't turn into anything worse! So yeah, I got vaguely food poisoned by my birthday dinner, lol. The fortune cookie was good, though! It told me I would live for many more years, which I found kind of fitting for the day.

Really, I'm pleased that I was able to spend my birthday in an act of service to my family. The only part that was really more of a downer than just different was the yucky meal thing. I heard from all of the people I care most about, in one way or another. I saw some beautiful sites. I had good music. I laughed.
I will do my cards when i get back home.
A family party is scheduled for the 23rd.

Huge appreciation to every one who has been a part of my journey this past year.

PS, The dork in me is very pleased that my age is consecutive prime numbers. This will only happen three times in my life! (23, 35, and 57)

I Just Broke....

So I stayed up all night trying to be helpful to a friend of mine who had a lot to do with a really non-flexible deadline. And I thought it was gonna be good, because my sleep schedule has been off; so I was going to just go to bed at a good time tonight and my schedule would be fine. But around 7am I realized I wasn't going to be able to do the things I need to do today at the level of goofy-tired I was, so I went to bed for a nap. I set my alarm for 2 hours. Woke up, but was still dizzy and couldn't walk straight, so slept another 2 hours.
So now I'm sitting here on my couch crying, still disoriented and dizzy. Man, I'm not as young as I used to be.
Why crying, you ask? Good question. I asked myself that, too. Here's what I cam up with:

My birthday is tomorrow. I wish my mom were here to celebrate it with me.
My step-mother has cancer, and I don't want her to.
I'm also afraid my brother and I might not be given a complete picture of her illness.
My best friend (I kind of hate that phrase, but really how else do you describe the person you are in contact with the most, about the things that feel most important?) is moving really far away. Prohibitively far. Costs-too-much-to-talk-on-the-phone far. And I'm really glad he is in lots of ways: it's gonna be amazing for him and his wife, and their family (and then I'm gonna get to reap some of the benefits of the growth he's gonna be doing, too!) but part of me does wish it just wasn't so damn far. Well, no, that's not true. I'm ok with the far. It's the not-talking-on-the-phone much thing I don't like.
I have so much to do today, getting ready for a trip I leave on tomorrow, and I just don't feel like it's all going to get done.

I think that's probably all of what's in the tears right now... except that also, I'm not entirely sure how to honor what I'm feeling but still get done what I need to.

A Quote and My Thoughts

"It is not that we make the best of things, but that we may find in everything, even in calamity itself, the germ of enduring wisdom. We ought not to resist the shocks and upheavals of life, nor run counter to obstacles, we ought never... to be impatient. We ought to be as incapable of impatience as we would to revolt. This is not being so much 'long suffering' as a quiet awareness of the forces that operate in the hours, days or years of waiting and inactivity. Always we ought to move with the larger rhythm, the wider sweep towards our ultimate goal, in that complete acquiescence..."
--Attributed to Bahiyyah Khanum
( "The Passing of Bahiyyah Khanum" by Marjorie Morton in "Crystalizations," page 174)

To me this is along the lines of my being "unnaturally positive," which I get into scrapes with so often. It's not that I don't think difficult things ever happen. It's that I really really believe, to the point of knowing, that there is a reason for them to be happening; that no matter how much we don't get it, they are a part of the greater good. Even a part of my own personal greater good. A lot of times I can find what I believe might be the positive side... even if it's just "wow, what a great chance to learn patience!" or something similar. But even if even I cannot ferret out some kind of  meaning, I trust that it is there, and act accordingly.

I'm Just Not a Rules Kind Of Girl

Every once in a while I get this moment where I feel like I'm someone I'm not. That's when I do things like commit to hosting events, or decide to have structured blog posts. I get into it for a short while, and then I revert back to my true self.
I'm just not that girl, lol.
So yeah, I'm done with that whole blog post schedule thing. I am still interested in having a lot of the topics as recurring post-themes, but it works out a lot better when I do things when I am motivated to, rather than when I am scheduled to.

Here are some random but amusing comics! Click to enlarge.

Holistic Health Thursday 2

146 Reasons Why Sugar is Ruining Your Health

This was a really interesting list. We all know sugar is bad for us, but we all eat it anyway... definitely including myself. I know it's not good for me, I know I feel bad after wards... but I still won't turn down a donut.
Partly of course, we are genetically programmed to like sweet tastes. Partly we are all addicted, since sugar is in a really surprising and scary amount of food. Part of it is marketing. Part of it is, I think, a kind of denial; if we ignore the health risks of sugar, we can enjoy what we want to in the moment.
Really, though, we are slowly poisoning ourselves. And our kids.

Wondering Wednesday

"Everybody is a genius. But, if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing that it is stupid." ~Albert Einstein

I'm wondering what ridiculous things I am using to judge myself by, and what I should use instead.
Or should I not use anything to judge myself at all? Should it just be all about want/not want?
It gets confusing to me... sometimes I feel like I want a measuring tape to be able to look at and say, "Here is where I am, here is where I want to be, I have 6 inches of work to do" or something like that.
But sometimes I feel like where I am is where I am, and that it's all good. Every moment is perfect as it is, as my yoga friends would say.
I think I posted about this a little bit ago: how to not judge yourself but still move forward. I think that probably if I just listen to my True Self and not get my head in the way, growth would happen easily and joyfully. Probably....

Hamlet (and Hair)

What a piece of work is a man,
how noble in reason,
how infinite in faculties,
in form and moving how express and admirable,
in action how like an angel,
in apprehension how like a god!
The beauty of the world,
the paragon of animals...

Tuesday Project 2

I completed my getting-music-on-my-DAP project. Yay! (Also, thanks to a great friend who really really helped out with technical parts.)
This isn't what my screen looks like any more, actually, because of the help with the technical parts. I have a whole new... I guess it's an OS? Do you call it that on music machines? Anyway, it's now rhythmbox. But this *is* what the player itself looks like.

So this week I will do the borders on my hankies. I plan to do a green vine-and-leaf pattern, just on the very edges. I have a rubber stamp I will use for the majority of it, I think. I'm not sure how it will fit together if I do a line of it, so I may have to improvise the connections. I want it to be just very simple, so it doesn't detract from the dance any when I use the hankies.

Real Sunday Intentions

Yes, yes, it's Tuesday. See previous post re: illness.
But I've realized I do have some goals this week other than not being ill by the end of it.
I want to study for 4 hours (2 on Wednesday and 2 on Friday) and also I want to  maintain my chelation protocol through out the week.

ill (sat - mon, 2)

sunday: oh, i don't know. i've been ill. my only goal for the coming week, really, is to stop being ill.
saturday: i did not meet my study goals for last week, but i did meet my social goals.
monday: netti pots are great. massages are too. and also, sleeping. and not having headaches.

Meh

I missed yesterday's post. So I'm gonna cheat and just give you a link to the school I'm attending.

As for a food experiment for Friday... uhm... well, I did fry eggs, which I'm pretty sure I've never done before. My technique could use some work though.

I'm not really feeling all that well. I'm having headache issues.

Wednesday Wonderings 1

I guess right now I'm wondering about regret.
Someone just shared with me a bunch of letters/notes/written ramblings I gave him almost 10 years ago. I was a really different person. Not someone I am proud to have been. In fact, there is probably shame around who I was then.
But I don't know that I regret it really. I feel badly about it; I wish I hadn't put me and the people around me in some of the situations that I did.
But in another sense I don't wish it hadn't happened. That was the path I had to take to get to where I am now, and I like who I am now and I wouldn't want to trade that in. I think that without a lot of my struggles I would probably not have the depth that I enjoy about myself today.
And yet, I am sorry to the people that I have hurt...
Do you have regrets? Why or why not?