Raised Red Scars

I have recently had what I think is my first experience of truly disliking my self injury scars (I have quite a few, and I do not bother to hide them). Generally I feel pretty neutral about them; I don't feel shame that I chose an unhealthy coping mechanism for part of life. In fact, I am glad that I managed to come up with a method that kept me alive; I really believe that without the release of self injury (in the absence of healthier coping mechanisms) I would not be alive today.

Most of my scars are white, either raised or flat. Some, however, have healed a pinkish-red. I haven't looked into the science of why, but I do know that some scars just do that. The problem is, it makes them look as if they are newish. In fact, a friend who I haven't seen in a while recently wondered aloud if those scars did represent newer injuries. My therapist asks every year when I begin to wear short sleeves in the spring, if the redder scars on my upper arm are new. 

They aren't. It's been a long, long time; so long I'm not even sure of how long. It bothers me for several reasons that people think I might have recently been or currently am self injuring. The biggest two are:

For one thing, I am proud that I'm not hurting myself any more. When people think I am, it messes with that.

Also, I know what a worry it can be, and how hurtful it can be, to have someone in your life who is self injuring. I don't want the people I care about to feel like this is an ongoing concern. 

It's been an interesting experience, disliking some of my scars. I suppose I'll be working on making peace with them, and finding the beauty in them, as one does with any body part they aren't too fond of. 

So True...

I totally agree. But then the question becomes, how do you manipulate how you see yourself?

Great Things

New places

Old friends

My kindle

Knitted mice

Sugar As Safety, Part II

Remember when I wrote this post?

It might sound kind of elementary, but I've just realized that if eating sugar means safety to me, and I am driven quite often to eat sugar... that must mean I often don't feel safe. Whoa.

Not sure what to do with that revelation yet, but there it is.

Stereotypes

Great Things

Bubbles

French Silk pie with fresh strawberries

Kaleidoscopes

Palindromes

            Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era?

Fairies

Six Years Later

Melancholy; a deep, pensive sadness.

That's what I'm feeling tonight. Tomorrow is the anniversary of my son's birth and death.

It's interesting because the moon looks about the same tonight as it did in on this date in 2006, when I was in labor. Both moons are/were almost full (although in 2006 it was working toward full, and this year it is working toward new). I think I remember it being a bit of a drizzly day 6 years ago, too, although I can't be sure on that part.

I have my period right now, too, so I'm even having some of the same (though clearly not as intense) bodily sensations as I was having on this night 6 years ago.

I guess that's all I want to say about that for now.