Set The Tone

No one is responsible for anyone else's emotions, but I do think it's a great idea to do what we can to support others in having pleasant experiences when possible.

When you first see someone, especially if it's early in the morning, consider "good morning," "how you feeling," or "how'd you sleep" instead of "your dog is why the sick cat is stressed [and getting sicker]." Consideration isn't necessary, but it sure does make things nicer.

Excursion

I went out yesterday, for the first time in a few months. I even drove! I did not really want to go out, but I needed to get some stuff done.

I went to two stores which are literally right next to each other in a strip mall. They're about 20-30 drive from my house depending on pervailing winds (or traffic and lights, but doesn't "pervailing winds" just seem much more adventuresome). I was out of the house for a grand total of about two hours and that total included two breaks sitting in the car with a cold drink.

And it messed up the whole rest of my day. Afterwards, my legs from the knee down were so swollen that they felt like stuffed sausages. It reminded me of that scene in The Wall where he's got the fever and his hands swell. My ankles and soles hurt so badly that I laugh-cried when I had to walk. The ache in my lower back was abominable. My brain fog was horrible; the drive home was not safe and I'd have jumped on anyone else who dared drive in that condition. It's now the morning after and I'm still experiencing all of this to only a slightly lesser degree.

And it messed up my plans for the rest of the day (and probably at least a couple of days to come). My cleaners are coming today but I didn't have the mental or physical power to do any of the tidying I'd planned to, so large chunks of my floor and swaths of my countertops won't be able to be cleaned. I didn't get to bathe the dog (I like to do that in the day or two before the cleaners cone, so the tub gets cleaned soon after),  and I wasn't able to take a shower myself. The five minutes it took to make myself some undoctored ramen noodles was excrutiating and dinner was wholly unsatisfying.

If anyone ever makes you choose between being chronically ill and a lifetime supply of stepping on slugs barefoot, take the slugs.

Named My Son After This Poet

Kahlil Gibran on Love 

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden. 

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth. 

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast. 

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart. 

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love. 

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. 

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Reaching Out Isn't Just A Meme

Get out of your own head and into someone else's whenever you can...

Something that's changed for me in the past five years since I was here last is, I'm largely housebound. This is mostly because I can't often drive, due to a combination of pain, brain fog, and medications. And where I live there is no public transport and nothing within even non-disabled people's walking distance.

Within the past 48 hours two people I love have left the house where we live to do things I would like to do: to support a friend and to see some friends I haven't seen in a very long time. Heck, just to get out. Both of the people actually were in situations where they would have benefitted from having someone with them.

But in neither case did anyone say "Hey, come along" or "I know it's weird cause maybe you'd like to come along, but I actually have to handle some business stuff on this trip," or anything. Just, "Well, I'm off to do a fun thing you might enjoy, see ya!"

I trimmed my own hair the other day. It's kinda hard cause I basically have a long mowawk; if I spiked it up it'd be a death hawk. So I sent a text to a few people saying like "Eep, trimmed my hair, not really sure how it came out but I guess it's at least done now." Two of those texted have seen me since then. A lot. They live in the same house as me. One has commented; said it looked pretty good. The other hasn't bothered yet.

Yes, I need to reach out. Reaching out is a thing. And when you're in any sort of relationship (a word which here means any sort of relationship, including siblings, housemates, friends, et cetera, not just the romantic relationships that have co-opted the word), reaching out has to be a two way street.

Once in a while you have to hit pause and think "Wow, River's usually up around 6am but the past couple of days when I left for work at 8, she's still been in bed. Maybe I should ask if she's ok, or at least let her know I noticed and care." The key words here are *let her know.*

You can be ruminating about being worried, or whether I'd enjoy a concert, or if I'd like to go out, or whatever, as much as you want but if you don't say or do something about it, it doesn't count in our relationship. Because for me, ITS NOT THERE.

So please. If you are in any sort of relationship, make sure you are regularly taking off whatever veils stop you from seeing past the tip of your own nose and try seeing the other person for a change. I'll be doing the same.

Compromise

Life is huge, and the chances of you having many situations where you get 100% of what you want are super rare.

Pick some priorities and then be flexible with the rest in order to feed those priorities. 

Words Mean Things

And I do not use them lightly. When I say a thing, I chose those exact words for a reason. No matter why you think I said them, or how much you agree or disagree with the assumed reason... If you plan to do something contrary to those words, have the courtesy of asking or letting me know. I said what I said. On purpose. So have some courtesy.

Oh hi. It's been very close to five years since I've had anything to say here. I think Facebook became my exploration outlet really. But this here blog is seeming might interesting again. Let's see where it goes.