Special

I have this weird idea that "not unique" means "not challenging."

I shared this thing in my therapy group today that to me feels very big and bad and I have shame around. And someone said (totally from a good place, my reaction is all me) that it didn't seem that different than an activity that a lot of normal people do very regularly and is not at all seen as unusual.

What I heard was "this is just your slightly different way of expressing this common human trait." Which is probably fairly close to what he was trying to say. But then I continued to extrapolate to "therefore, shut up and get over it, everyone deals with this. You wuss."

I've just come from group, and I'm still processing. A lot. A lot of processing. About a lot of stuff. But I wanted to get this thought written before I lose it.

I am both more and less special than I think I am.

Renaissance Constellations

In my head, Renaissance Festivals are like constantly morphing constellations.

Take this idea as a base, but don't get too stuck on it:

In my head, the artists and performers and vendors and musicians and street cast and administrators... all the people that make up a Faire, are little dots of light, that are constantly swarming around the country in ways that look random until you watch a specific light for a while, and then you see a pattern.

Within the thousands of patterns, sometimes many dots will converge in one place, and stay there making a very bright energetic shining light together for a weekend, or several weeks, or even a month or two. And then suddenly the individual dots burst apart from their convergence, like fireworks, until they converge somewhere else; some of the same dots meet again in convergence after convergence, some a few times, and some only once or twice.

I like to think of the of Renaissance Faires as a constant fireworks display of creative energy.

Naked

My therapist commented today on how much more I am opening up, how much more I am allowing myself to be vulnerable.

She said even my body language and facial expressions were so much more open and flexible.

I felt embarrassed and naked.

Regret Nothing

“Antilamentation” 
Dorianne Laux

Regret nothing. Not the cruel novels you read
to the end just to find out who killed the cook.
Not the insipid movies that made you cry in the dark,
in spite of your intelligence, your sophistication.
Not the lover you left quivering in a hotel parking lot,
the one you beat to the punchline, the door, or the one
who left you in your red dress and shoes, the ones
that crimped your toes, don't regret those.
Not the nights you called god names and cursed
your mother, sunk like a dog in the livingroom couch,
chewing your nails and crushed by loneliness.
You were meant to inhale those smoky nights
over a bottle of flat beer, to sweep stuck onion rings
across the dirty restaurant floor, to wear the frayed
coat with its loose buttons, its pockets full of struck matches.
You've walked those streets a thousand times and still
you end up here. Regret none of it, not one
of the wasted days you wanted to know nothing,
when the lights from the carnival rides
were the only stars you believed in, loving them
for their uselessness, not wanting to be saved.
You've traveled this far on the back of every mistake,
ridden in dark-eyed and morose but calm as a house
after the TV set has been pitched out the upstairs
window. Harmless as a broken ax. Emptied
of expectation. Relax. Don't bother remembering
any of it. Let's stop here, under the lit sign
on the corner, and watch all the people walk by.

Super Powers and Kryptonite

This shame group thing is intense, man.

Tonight we touched on the idea that most shame in most people comes from either their super powers (their gifts and talents) or their kryptonite (their struggles or vulnerabilities).

I don't enjoy airing my vulnerabilities, but I don't find it overwhelming, either. Or at least, not for the most part; there are a few that make me nauseated to even think about talking about.

The thing that pretty universally shames me is naming my gifts. I find it unbearable to say "I am creative, I am intelligent, I am..." Wow, I had to stop there because even writing that first made me tear up and then brought me to absolute freeze when I attempted to add a third item.

In the group tonight, as a closing exercise, the therapist asked us each to speak out loud an affirmation about ourselves. I couldn't do it in front of the group but I said that I would say one out loud to myself once I was alone at home. Haven't done it yet.

What is so darn intolerable about admitting there is greatness in myself?

My Shame

I'm taking an 8-week course about shame; about how it's based on fear and blame and disconnection and can be overcome with courage, compassion, and connection. It's based on Brene Brown's work, who I think is an amazing lady. 

In the first class there was talk about the importance of recognizing one's own shame triggers, so that in the moment of experiencing shame you can understand better what's going on and why you are reacting to things the way you are. In the interest of building the courage and connection parts of breaking shame, here are some of my recent/current shame triggers:

weight/body image

impulsive spending

food choices

exercise choices

outsourcing "my" work (ie, cleaning and cooking)

dental hygiene 

Interesting point: this post has been sitting open for about 10 minutes now, waiting for me to get the courage to press the "publish" button...

Piorities

I've decided I want some simple direction in my life. I tend to be a really fluid and laid back kind of person; there are a lot of things I like about that but sometimes it can manifest as me being uncommitted or unmotivated, which I'd like to change. So here is an idea I've come up with.

I took some time to look at what is really important to me in terms of my values and my wants. At first it was pretty overwhelming, but I came to realize that really it boils down to four main priority categories:

God (my religious and spiritual practice)
Family (both biological and not)
Health (my own mental and physical health), and
River Breeze Wellness (my health counseling business).

Every day I intend to do at least one thing to strengthen each of these categories. It doesn't have to be a big thing, but something that increases the health of the priority. For example, one day I might make sure I do a meditation in the morning (God), call my grandmother in Florida (family), go for a walk (health), and check in with my school's website to catch up on what other students are up to (River Breeze Wellness). Of course, some days my activities might be bigger, like giving a nutrition workshop to feed my River Breeze Wellness priority, or spending several hours with my nieces and nephew. And some days I might do several things in one or more of the priority areas.

I also plan to look at my daily activities in light of these priorities and ask myself some questions about them.
How does this thought/behavior/action effect my priorities?
Does this thought/behavior/action feed one of my priorities?
Does this thought/behavior/action negatively impact my priorities? If so, is it truly necessary? If not, drop it. If it is necessary, how can I change it to reflect my priorities?
If this thought/behavior/action seems to have a neutral effect on my priority areas, is it worth putting my energy into it?

I like how kind of simple and basic this feels; just keep four things in mind as I live my life. And yet, I think it could have some pretty profound impacts.