Winter

Everyone knows I'm not a winter person. I don't like cold, snow and ice eventually turn to slush, colds and flus abound... and yet...
It snowed here in Asheville the other day, the first time there's been a significant amount that stayed on the ground. And I had all this great memories of Massachusetts, where there really is a Winter. Like getting to wear cozy sweatshirts and hoodies all day. And there's something ruggedly primal and satisfying about wearing boats and a coat so thick your arms don't move properly, and gloves (maybe two pairs), and big clunky boots that almost reach your knee; like Nature tried to keep you down but you are too strong. Or the sound of plows scraping and roaring along the roads at 2am, so you wake up a little and know that you are safe and looked after, and go back to sleep snuggled under the blanket. Or the look of a fresh snowfall, with flakes still fluttering down onto the trees lining the Housatonic River, that makes everything look sparkling and clean and start-over-able.
As much as I complain about winter, there are some parts I enjoy, and parts that I miss.....
But not enough to move back up north!!!

Comfort

My steam radiators aren't quite enough to make the house not chilly when the weather is really bad. Especially in the bedroom, where there's little cracks of openness where the windows don't quite meet the window sill. So at night I take a hot bath (I don't have a shower, just a tub) and get directly into bed. The best part is when the cats come and curl up with me, one against my chest and one in the little nook my knees make when I lie on my side. I think that's about the best way to fall asleep.

Remembering Party

Jordon (age 3 1/2) was asking me what we're doing tomorrow. I said we were going to have a lot of people who love Oma (that's what he called/calls my mom) get together to have a time to remember her. I told him it is a Remembering Party.
This is the program for my mom's Remembering Party.

On May 31, 1951 a soul was born into this world.

(Song: We Are by Sweet Honey in the Rock)

Thus. ere thou didst issue from thy mother's womb, I destined for thee two founts of gleaming milk,eyes to watch over thee, and hearts to love thee.
--Baha'u'llah

She was known by many names:
Holly, Diane, Holomon, Sims, Nevill, Nuri, Naseem.

Please call me by my true names,
so that I can hear all my cries and my laughs at once,
so I can see that my joy and pain are one.
Please call me by my true names,
so that I can wake up,
and so the door of my heart can be left open...
--Thich Nhat Hanh

She was a Baha'i.

(Song: Top of My Lungs by Devon Gundry)

The first duty prescribed by God for His servants is the recognition of Him Who is the Dayspring of His Revelation and the Fountain of His laws, Who representeth the Godhead in both the Kingdom of His Cause and the world of creation. Whoso achieveth this duty hath attained unto all good..., It behoveth every one who reacheth this most sublime station, this summit of transcendent glory, to observe every ordinance of Him Who is the Desire of the world, These twin duties are inseparable. Neither is acceptable without the other. Thus hath it been decreed by Him Who is the Source of Divine Inspiration.
--Baha'u'llah

This soul was part of a family.
She was a daughter, sister, wife, mother, sister-in-law, daughter-in-law, aunt, mother-in-law.
She was an Oma.

You were born together, and together you shall be forever more.
You shall be together even when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of heaven dance between you.
--Kahlil Gibran

(Prayer said by Naseem's grandson Jordon)

She was an educator:
a Baha'i children's class teacher, an art teacher, a preschool teacher, a preschool director, an early childhood specialist, a tutor.

Regard ye man as a mine rich in gems of inestimable value. Education can, alone, cause it to reveal its treasures, and enable mankind to benefit therefrom.
--Baha'u'llah

This soul was an artist,
a gardener, a seamstress, a needleworker, a singer, a poet, a story teller.

...in this wonderful new age, art is worship. The more thou strivest to perfect it, the closer thou wilt come to God. What bestowal could be greater than this, that one's art should be even as the act of worshiping the Lord? That is to say, when thy fingers grasp the paintbrush, it is as if thou wert at prayer in the Temple.
--'Abdu'l-Baha

She loved her community.
She was a Local Spiritual Assembly member, an interfaith teacher, a committee member, a traveler.

Know that God is compassionate toward all; therefore, love all from the depths of your hearts, prefer all religionists before yourselves, be filled with love for every race, and be kind toward people of all nationalities.
--Abdu'l-Baha

She was a victim, a survivor, a patient, a warrior.

O Son of Man! My calamity is My providence,outwardly it is fire and vengeance, but inwardly it is light and mercy. Hasten thereunto that thou mayest become an eternal light and an immortal spirit.
--Baha'u'llah

(Please join in singing "Is There Any Remover of Difficulties")

She was an infant, a child, a youth, a maiden, a mother, a crone.

O thou maidservant of God! Every woman who becometh the maidservant of God outshineth in glory the empress of the world, for she is related to God and her sovereignty is everlasting....
--'Abdu'l-Baha

She was a lover, a beloved, a friend.

Love is Heaven's kindly light, the Holy Spirit's eternal breath that vivifieth the human soul.
--'Abdu'l-Baha

(Song: Hollow Reed, words by 'Abdu'l-Baha, sung at the Black Men's Gathering)

On October 30, 2008 a soul was born into the next world.

A candle is made to become entirely flame.
In that annihilating moment
it has no shadow.
It is nothing but a tongue of light
describing a refuge.
Look at this
just-finishing candle stub
as someone who is finally safe from virtue and vice,
the pride and the shame
we claim from those.
--Rumi

Praise be to God!
His Traces are evident
Praise be to God!
His Lights are radiating.
Praise be to God!
His Ocean is full of waves.
Praise be to God!
His radiance is intense.
Praise be to God!
His bestowals are abundant.
Praise be to God!
His Favors are manifest.
--'Abdu'l-Baha

autumn

OK, so I can go along with autumn being a time for change, even for loss: I've lost my mother, my best friend, my roommate, and my gall bladder this autumn.
But can it stop now please?

Leaving

I recently had to let go of a friend.
I thought the leaving itself would be the hardest part. It was definitely the most anxiety-ridden part.
But I think now is the hardest part. Now when my friend is hurt and will not or can not communicate with me at all. when I'm thinking what ifs and remembering when times were really good, and wondering how things went so very wrong.
Part of it is that there's still logistics to work out in our relationship, so I can't just let go completely, how I was hoping to. Part of it is wanting things how they were about 6 months ago between us, when we were best friends. Part of it is being lonely and the fact that, messed up or not, he was my closest and sometimes only real life friend for more than a year, so I'm wanting a friend which translates kinda automatically to him. Part of it is wondering if, and knowing that, there were things I could have done differently or better. And I think part of it is wanting him to still think I'm a good person. Wanting him to still care, as a validation that I'm still a good person despite having hurt him terribly, knowingly, whatever my reasons were.

Confusing

Life gets so confusing...
Should I be glad I did the right thing, or sad someone is hurting?
Should I be proud or ashamed?
Will a lease get worked out or not?
Should I go for a teddy bear or a phone conversation?
What's for lunch? Do I even want lunch?
Should I try to get my winter coat and quiet my curiosity, or chalk things up as lost?
Where is home?
Will my questions ever have answers?

Gone

The person I created this blog for, primarily, won't be reading it any more....
There are some things I wish I had done differently in my life.
Right now I'm tired and overwhelmed and often confused. And sad.
I think I did pretty well by both me and her, at the end.
I have some catching up to do.
I will do it. With love. Because it is my choice to.