You can't have culture without cult
Thursday, June 28, 2018
Sunday, June 24, 2018
Paradigm Shift
Don't like the paradigm you find yourself living in? That's ok, just make your own personal paradigm. Make sure to shape it so that you kick ass. 'Cause you do.
Meds Dependent
My vital meds, and there are a lot of them, come with side effects. I take meds to combat the side effects. Those meds have side effects. I dislike all of the side effects; not a single one is fun or something helpful for me like "weight loss."
So sometimes I get a little rebellious. I go off of some of the meds. Time and time again I am reminded: I am only functional as a chemical cyborg. I must have regular infusions of chemicals from outside of my body in order to exist in any meaningful way.
It's tempting to be like "hey isn't that what food is too" or something like that. But don't say that. It's not the same. Eating like everyone else on the planet from time immemorial, is not the same as being dependent on chemicals made in some factory that you are forced to pay obscene prices for (one of my most necessary prescriptions is $121 for a one month supply, after a patient's assistance discount). And by the way, these chemicals that make you human enough, they come with warning labels. They're going to cause you to be unable to drive, to think complex thoughts, to remember words and occasions, to digest normally.... If you take the wrong one at the wrong time, go directly to the ER. And if you miss taking one at the right time... you guessed it. ER.
So yeah. I'm a chemical cyborg. Some days I'm thankful for that. Most days, I just knock back my pills three times a day and don't think much of it.
And today, I resent it.
So sometimes I get a little rebellious. I go off of some of the meds. Time and time again I am reminded: I am only functional as a chemical cyborg. I must have regular infusions of chemicals from outside of my body in order to exist in any meaningful way.
It's tempting to be like "hey isn't that what food is too" or something like that. But don't say that. It's not the same. Eating like everyone else on the planet from time immemorial, is not the same as being dependent on chemicals made in some factory that you are forced to pay obscene prices for (one of my most necessary prescriptions is $121 for a one month supply, after a patient's assistance discount). And by the way, these chemicals that make you human enough, they come with warning labels. They're going to cause you to be unable to drive, to think complex thoughts, to remember words and occasions, to digest normally.... If you take the wrong one at the wrong time, go directly to the ER. And if you miss taking one at the right time... you guessed it. ER.
So yeah. I'm a chemical cyborg. Some days I'm thankful for that. Most days, I just knock back my pills three times a day and don't think much of it.
And today, I resent it.
Golden Rule
(The social one, not the math one.)
We've all heard it. Ever major culture and religion has some version of it.
It seems so simple that it must be simplistic, right? But what if it's not.... what if this little line really is the whole of the law?
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you... if you were in their situation. I hope someone gives me CPR if I'm having heart troubles, but I hope no one ever gives me CPR if I'm not having heart troubles! And this is where maybe it starts to feel complicated. Because, you see, it's so vital to really know someone's situation rather than assuming it. If I see someone laying on floor, I'd be wise to take a look around and even ask a few questions before assuming it's chest compression time.
So ask the questions. Have the conversations. Do the research. Think the thoughts, feel the feelings. And then... Do unto others what you would have them do unto you.
Here's the key, I think: if your investigating and discussing genuinely has this tribal compassion as an end goal, it's all good. But we lose sight of the love so easily under the strain of our fears. We fear not having enough ourselves, and judgement, and how our actions will be received...
But y'all. The Golden Rule is golden for a reason. And it just really is that simple.
We've all heard it. Ever major culture and religion has some version of it.
It seems so simple that it must be simplistic, right? But what if it's not.... what if this little line really is the whole of the law?
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you... if you were in their situation. I hope someone gives me CPR if I'm having heart troubles, but I hope no one ever gives me CPR if I'm not having heart troubles! And this is where maybe it starts to feel complicated. Because, you see, it's so vital to really know someone's situation rather than assuming it. If I see someone laying on floor, I'd be wise to take a look around and even ask a few questions before assuming it's chest compression time.
So ask the questions. Have the conversations. Do the research. Think the thoughts, feel the feelings. And then... Do unto others what you would have them do unto you.
Here's the key, I think: if your investigating and discussing genuinely has this tribal compassion as an end goal, it's all good. But we lose sight of the love so easily under the strain of our fears. We fear not having enough ourselves, and judgement, and how our actions will be received...
But y'all. The Golden Rule is golden for a reason. And it just really is that simple.
Thursday, June 21, 2018
Answers For Visitors, Whoever They May Be
I hate feeling questioned and judged and envied and doubted and pressured to provide answers and explanations to calm individual and societal judgements, so this post is to all the religious proponents, church inviters, misdirected court officers, water testers, movers, contractors, delivery people, and even some friends and aquaintances, who have visited this house since I moved in this past spring.
Yes, it's a beautiful home, thank you.
Yes, it certainly is large.
I'm sorry you couldn't afford to live here.
How I afford to live here is actually pretty personal.
Yes, I do mind telling you what I paid.
Actually, I don't work.
It's none of your business where my money comes from.
Yes, I'm sure you would like to be able to not work. You know what though? I bet you'd hate to not be *able* to work.
It's none of your business what I did when I did work; especially when you're asking to try to figure out if that's where my money came from.
Yes, I am very lucky to live here.
Yes, it's nice that I don't have to work. Since, you know, I am physically and mentally unable to.
Why, would the number of inhabitants make it ok for you that I live here?
Yes, she's a border collie.
No, she's pure bred.
Yes, she's beautiful, thank you.
No, I'd rather not say what I paid for her.
No, I do not work.
Yes, she's my service dog. Does that make this more or less comfortable for you?
Thanks I guess, but I assure you I can feel quite sick despite how I may or may not look. What exactly does "sick" look like anyway?
(Bonus answers to a parking lot stranger:
Yes, that's my car in the handicapped spot.
Actually, it's hanging up on the mirror.
No, it's mine.
Well, my doctor thinks I'm disabled, so...)
The scars are none of your business. Ask again and I'm likely to just go ahead and tell you and based on past reactions, you'll wish I hadn't.
....I still don't work. No, I'm not between jobs. No, I'm not looking for work. Thanks for thinking of me but I'm not looking for ways to make money.
I understand that your continued suggestions about what I should do seem reasonable and easy to you; please trust me as a forty-something year old woman to make my own decisions regarding my personal life. Please don't make me say this again; maybe I'll just get some cards made up to hand out instead.
I have set some clear boundaries in this conversation; if you continue to ignore and push them, I'm happy to stonewall this topic with you for as long as feel like it.
Ok, I've gone ahead and trusted you enough to say my money is an inheritance. If you say one more time that I'm lucky I've had people leave me money, I'll tell you about how it feels to have no grandparents and only one parent by age forty. I'll replay you the week of watching my mother actively die. Don't you think I'd drain every bank account I've ever had, for one more day with her? But gosh, I sure am lucky.
Yeah, I know you didn't mean it "like that," but maybe stop and think a minute before you speak.
Curiosity is a thing. I get it. But like we tell preshoolers, please listen to and respect other people's words.
Yes, it's a beautiful home, thank you.
Yes, it certainly is large.
I'm sorry you couldn't afford to live here.
How I afford to live here is actually pretty personal.
Yes, I do mind telling you what I paid.
Actually, I don't work.
It's none of your business where my money comes from.
Yes, I'm sure you would like to be able to not work. You know what though? I bet you'd hate to not be *able* to work.
It's none of your business what I did when I did work; especially when you're asking to try to figure out if that's where my money came from.
Yes, I am very lucky to live here.
Yes, it's nice that I don't have to work. Since, you know, I am physically and mentally unable to.
Why, would the number of inhabitants make it ok for you that I live here?
Yes, she's a border collie.
No, she's pure bred.
Yes, she's beautiful, thank you.
No, I'd rather not say what I paid for her.
No, I do not work.
Yes, she's my service dog. Does that make this more or less comfortable for you?
Thanks I guess, but I assure you I can feel quite sick despite how I may or may not look. What exactly does "sick" look like anyway?
(Bonus answers to a parking lot stranger:
Yes, that's my car in the handicapped spot.
Actually, it's hanging up on the mirror.
No, it's mine.
Well, my doctor thinks I'm disabled, so...)
The scars are none of your business. Ask again and I'm likely to just go ahead and tell you and based on past reactions, you'll wish I hadn't.
....I still don't work. No, I'm not between jobs. No, I'm not looking for work. Thanks for thinking of me but I'm not looking for ways to make money.
I understand that your continued suggestions about what I should do seem reasonable and easy to you; please trust me as a forty-something year old woman to make my own decisions regarding my personal life. Please don't make me say this again; maybe I'll just get some cards made up to hand out instead.
I have set some clear boundaries in this conversation; if you continue to ignore and push them, I'm happy to stonewall this topic with you for as long as feel like it.
Ok, I've gone ahead and trusted you enough to say my money is an inheritance. If you say one more time that I'm lucky I've had people leave me money, I'll tell you about how it feels to have no grandparents and only one parent by age forty. I'll replay you the week of watching my mother actively die. Don't you think I'd drain every bank account I've ever had, for one more day with her? But gosh, I sure am lucky.
Yeah, I know you didn't mean it "like that," but maybe stop and think a minute before you speak.
Curiosity is a thing. I get it. But like we tell preshoolers, please listen to and respect other people's words.
Wednesday, June 20, 2018
How To Be
I believe the following brilliant idea, which I saw an aquaintance going by Proteus say at a Jedi Temple (yes, that's an actual real thing), would be just as valid if it started out "How to be a decent human being."
How to be a Jedi
Step One: Ask yourself "What do I know?"
Step Two: Consider everyone around you your teachers (including the fools).
Step Three: Regularly learn from your teachers.
Step Four: Regularly serve your teachers.
Step Five: Repeat.
How to Human in five easy steps, y'all. Let's give it a shot!
How to be a Jedi
Step One: Ask yourself "What do I know?"
Step Two: Consider everyone around you your teachers (including the fools).
Step Three: Regularly learn from your teachers.
Step Four: Regularly serve your teachers.
Step Five: Repeat.
How to Human in five easy steps, y'all. Let's give it a shot!
Tuesday, June 19, 2018
Great Things
My bath tub
These snack things
Pepsi. Especially surprise gift Pepsi.
Stuffed animals. Also, organization.
My dog. Always.
Benadryl, Please
I'd say it's probably two nights out of every three that itching keeps me from sleeping for at least an hour or two, if not all night. I have no idea what the itching is a reaction to, but it's all over my body. There's nothing raised or rashy-looking, though there are some red looking patches.
I'm gonna just have to start keeping an antihistamine on hand; this is absolutely miserable.
In other news: Look out for a return of Great Things posts tomorrow!
I'm gonna just have to start keeping an antihistamine on hand; this is absolutely miserable.
In other news: Look out for a return of Great Things posts tomorrow!
Monday, June 18, 2018
Set The Tone
No one is responsible for anyone else's emotions, but I do think it's a great idea to do what we can to support others in having pleasant experiences when possible.
When you first see someone, especially if it's early in the morning, consider "good morning," "how you feeling," or "how'd you sleep" instead of "your dog is why the sick cat is stressed [and getting sicker]." Consideration isn't necessary, but it sure does make things nicer.
When you first see someone, especially if it's early in the morning, consider "good morning," "how you feeling," or "how'd you sleep" instead of "your dog is why the sick cat is stressed [and getting sicker]." Consideration isn't necessary, but it sure does make things nicer.
Excursion
I went out yesterday, for the first time in a few months. I even drove! I did not really want to go out, but I needed to get some stuff done.
I went to two stores which are literally right next to each other in a strip mall. They're about 20-30 drive from my house depending on pervailing winds (or traffic and lights, but doesn't "pervailing winds" just seem much more adventuresome). I was out of the house for a grand total of about two hours and that total included two breaks sitting in the car with a cold drink.
And it messed up the whole rest of my day. Afterwards, my legs from the knee down were so swollen that they felt like stuffed sausages. It reminded me of that scene in The Wall where he's got the fever and his hands swell. My ankles and soles hurt so badly that I laugh-cried when I had to walk. The ache in my lower back was abominable. My brain fog was horrible; the drive home was not safe and I'd have jumped on anyone else who dared drive in that condition. It's now the morning after and I'm still experiencing all of this to only a slightly lesser degree.
And it messed up my plans for the rest of the day (and probably at least a couple of days to come). My cleaners are coming today but I didn't have the mental or physical power to do any of the tidying I'd planned to, so large chunks of my floor and swaths of my countertops won't be able to be cleaned. I didn't get to bathe the dog (I like to do that in the day or two before the cleaners cone, so the tub gets cleaned soon after), and I wasn't able to take a shower myself. The five minutes it took to make myself some undoctored ramen noodles was excrutiating and dinner was wholly unsatisfying.
If anyone ever makes you choose between being chronically ill and a lifetime supply of stepping on slugs barefoot, take the slugs.
I went to two stores which are literally right next to each other in a strip mall. They're about 20-30 drive from my house depending on pervailing winds (or traffic and lights, but doesn't "pervailing winds" just seem much more adventuresome). I was out of the house for a grand total of about two hours and that total included two breaks sitting in the car with a cold drink.
And it messed up the whole rest of my day. Afterwards, my legs from the knee down were so swollen that they felt like stuffed sausages. It reminded me of that scene in The Wall where he's got the fever and his hands swell. My ankles and soles hurt so badly that I laugh-cried when I had to walk. The ache in my lower back was abominable. My brain fog was horrible; the drive home was not safe and I'd have jumped on anyone else who dared drive in that condition. It's now the morning after and I'm still experiencing all of this to only a slightly lesser degree.
And it messed up my plans for the rest of the day (and probably at least a couple of days to come). My cleaners are coming today but I didn't have the mental or physical power to do any of the tidying I'd planned to, so large chunks of my floor and swaths of my countertops won't be able to be cleaned. I didn't get to bathe the dog (I like to do that in the day or two before the cleaners cone, so the tub gets cleaned soon after), and I wasn't able to take a shower myself. The five minutes it took to make myself some undoctored ramen noodles was excrutiating and dinner was wholly unsatisfying.
If anyone ever makes you choose between being chronically ill and a lifetime supply of stepping on slugs barefoot, take the slugs.
Sunday, June 17, 2018
Named My Son After This Poet
Kahlil Gibran on Love
When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.
When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.
Reaching Out Isn't Just A Meme
Get out of your own head and into someone else's whenever you can...
Something that's changed for me in the past five years since I was here last is, I'm largely housebound. This is mostly because I can't often drive, due to a combination of pain, brain fog, and medications. And where I live there is no public transport and nothing within even non-disabled people's walking distance.
Within the past 48 hours two people I love have left the house where we live to do things I would like to do: to support a friend and to see some friends I haven't seen in a very long time. Heck, just to get out. Both of the people actually were in situations where they would have benefitted from having someone with them.
But in neither case did anyone say "Hey, come along" or "I know it's weird cause maybe you'd like to come along, but I actually have to handle some business stuff on this trip," or anything. Just, "Well, I'm off to do a fun thing you might enjoy, see ya!"
I trimmed my own hair the other day. It's kinda hard cause I basically have a long mowawk; if I spiked it up it'd be a death hawk. So I sent a text to a few people saying like "Eep, trimmed my hair, not really sure how it came out but I guess it's at least done now." Two of those texted have seen me since then. A lot. They live in the same house as me. One has commented; said it looked pretty good. The other hasn't bothered yet.
Yes, I need to reach out. Reaching out is a thing. And when you're in any sort of relationship (a word which here means any sort of relationship, including siblings, housemates, friends, et cetera, not just the romantic relationships that have co-opted the word), reaching out has to be a two way street.
Once in a while you have to hit pause and think "Wow, River's usually up around 6am but the past couple of days when I left for work at 8, she's still been in bed. Maybe I should ask if she's ok, or at least let her know I noticed and care." The key words here are *let her know.*
You can be ruminating about being worried, or whether I'd enjoy a concert, or if I'd like to go out, or whatever, as much as you want but if you don't say or do something about it, it doesn't count in our relationship. Because for me, ITS NOT THERE.
So please. If you are in any sort of relationship, make sure you are regularly taking off whatever veils stop you from seeing past the tip of your own nose and try seeing the other person for a change. I'll be doing the same.
Something that's changed for me in the past five years since I was here last is, I'm largely housebound. This is mostly because I can't often drive, due to a combination of pain, brain fog, and medications. And where I live there is no public transport and nothing within even non-disabled people's walking distance.
Within the past 48 hours two people I love have left the house where we live to do things I would like to do: to support a friend and to see some friends I haven't seen in a very long time. Heck, just to get out. Both of the people actually were in situations where they would have benefitted from having someone with them.
But in neither case did anyone say "Hey, come along" or "I know it's weird cause maybe you'd like to come along, but I actually have to handle some business stuff on this trip," or anything. Just, "Well, I'm off to do a fun thing you might enjoy, see ya!"
I trimmed my own hair the other day. It's kinda hard cause I basically have a long mowawk; if I spiked it up it'd be a death hawk. So I sent a text to a few people saying like "Eep, trimmed my hair, not really sure how it came out but I guess it's at least done now." Two of those texted have seen me since then. A lot. They live in the same house as me. One has commented; said it looked pretty good. The other hasn't bothered yet.
Yes, I need to reach out. Reaching out is a thing. And when you're in any sort of relationship (a word which here means any sort of relationship, including siblings, housemates, friends, et cetera, not just the romantic relationships that have co-opted the word), reaching out has to be a two way street.
Once in a while you have to hit pause and think "Wow, River's usually up around 6am but the past couple of days when I left for work at 8, she's still been in bed. Maybe I should ask if she's ok, or at least let her know I noticed and care." The key words here are *let her know.*
You can be ruminating about being worried, or whether I'd enjoy a concert, or if I'd like to go out, or whatever, as much as you want but if you don't say or do something about it, it doesn't count in our relationship. Because for me, ITS NOT THERE.
So please. If you are in any sort of relationship, make sure you are regularly taking off whatever veils stop you from seeing past the tip of your own nose and try seeing the other person for a change. I'll be doing the same.
Saturday, June 16, 2018
Compromise
Life is huge, and the chances of you having many situations where you get 100% of what you want are super rare.
Pick some priorities and then be flexible with the rest in order to feed those priorities.
Pick some priorities and then be flexible with the rest in order to feed those priorities.
Words Mean Things
And I do not use them lightly. When I say a thing, I chose those exact words for a reason. No matter why you think I said them, or how much you agree or disagree with the assumed reason... If you plan to do something contrary to those words, have the courtesy of asking or letting me know. I said what I said. On purpose. So have some courtesy.
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