Something like 12 years ago I met a 17 year old kid online, Rodney. He was in a really tough situation and we talked a lot. We were close. A few years later (I think, I'm bad with timing) I helped him and his wife get together. I loved him, he was a great friend.
Then there was a period of several years where we didn't talk much. I had computer troubles, he was busy setting up his new life; I dunno, we drifted apart. At first it hurt a bit, but I got used to it.
And then it got strange, for me. It seemed like he wanted us to be close again, automatically, as if no time had passed. I didn't know how to do that. I was a very different person and I assumed he was too. I think that created some friction. Well, definitely there was friction, and I am guessing a lot of it stemmed from that. I felt like he assumed he knew me, and assumed that I had obligations to him.
I was visiting another friend in his city, and didn't make plans to meet him. I know that hurt him a lot, but at the time I just really wanted to spend time with my other friend and I was uncomfortable with this old friend. I think, honestly, that he reacted pretty poorly. And almost immediately I did wish that I had scheduled a time to meet him. But I didn't.
Since then, our relationship has been... rocky. He, I think, felt that I didn't appreciate him enough, that I didn't try hard enough to connect. And I felt that he was trying too hard. His anger and hurt came out in ways that increased my anger and hurt. We were cordial, but never close again. I didn't want to be close again.
Last night, he died. It was sudden and unexpected. And I don't know how I feel.
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1 comment:
you dont have to lable what you feel, just experience it and let it be. My history with meff was similar, and in the end I thought of him as a friend again, I'm glad for that, but sorry for the time wasted being nasty to eachother... I will miss him.
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