One Year

We had a commemoration for the first anniversary of my mom's passing last night. There was a program, a slideshow, some great desserts and fellowship. I think this is probably the end of formal commemorations. Which is kind of sad, but kind of a relief. More later. (I tried to post the program here but it came out looking really weird. I'll try that again alter too.)

Rodney Gordon III

Something like 12 years ago I met a 17 year old kid online, Rodney. He was in a really tough situation and we talked a lot. We were close. A few years later (I think, I'm bad with timing) I helped him and his wife get together. I loved him, he was a great friend.
Then there was a period of several years where we didn't talk much. I had computer troubles, he was busy setting up his new life; I dunno, we drifted apart. At first it hurt a bit, but I got used to it.
And then it got strange, for me. It seemed like he wanted us to be close again, automatically, as if no time had passed. I didn't know how to do that. I was a very different person and I assumed he was too. I think that created some friction. Well, definitely there was friction, and I am guessing a lot of it stemmed from that. I felt like he assumed he knew me, and assumed that I had obligations to him.
I was visiting another friend in his city, and didn't make plans to meet him. I know that hurt him a lot, but at the time I just really wanted to spend time with my other friend and I was uncomfortable with this old friend. I think, honestly, that he reacted pretty poorly. And almost immediately I did wish that I had scheduled a time to meet him. But I didn't.
Since then, our relationship has been... rocky. He, I think, felt that I didn't appreciate him enough, that I didn't try hard enough to connect. And I felt that he was trying too hard. His anger and hurt came out in ways that increased my anger and hurt. We were cordial, but never close again. I didn't want to be close again.
Last night, he died. It was sudden and unexpected. And I don't know how I feel.

semicolons can be useful

...since I posted, so I thought I'd do an update.
I've been working as a Morris dancer at the Carolina Rennaisance Festival. There's videos on youtube. I'm in numbers 1, 2, 4 and 7 of that series. The sound is a little behind the picture and they are kinda blurry, but I promise that's me in the blue and green skirts, green bodice, and white cap. I'm pretty impressed with myself being outgoing and interactive with patrons while still doing pretty well at taking care of myself. It's every saturday and Sunday through November 22. Today (its a Sunday), though, I am sick. I think I actually started getting sick on Tuesday or Wednesday, when I woke up a little sniffly. Yesterday the cold and damp finally made the sickness win, I guess. At least its a reasonable and regular kind of sick, not a depressed and overwhelmed kind of sick, but I'm still kinda disappointed. Trying to be ok with where I'm at, but gosh I hate letting people down.
For the most part I'm doing pretty well with that "being ok with where I am" thing. There were a few days when I was pretyt low energy, but I just thought "ok well, I am what I am" and tried to enjoy reading and watching videos online. It went pretty well, with just a few moments of "aaargh, get up and DO something!"
Part of why I've been a little down is, I think, the upcoming anniversary of my mom's death. She died October 30 of last year. I'm thinking about her a lot since October started; I can't believe its been a whole year! On the 30th we will be having a memorial service kind of thing at my brother's house; some prayers, a slideshow, and dessert/coffee/tea. Earlier in the day I will probably put some flowers on her grave and offer some prayers there as well. I'm trying not to wonder if its "reasonable" to be feeling down and sad for an entire month and just, once again, be where I am.
I guess that's the theme for me lately; being nonjudgmental of myself. (And also apparently, looking over this post, using semi-colons).

No Impact Man

Quotes from the book No Impact Man by Colin Beavan (highly recommended).

When did taking care of ourselves become something so unimportant that it should be got out of the way rather than savored and enjoyed? When did cooking and nourishing my family become and untenable chore? What is more important that I'm supposed to do instead?

...I see that when I get what I want, my want does not go away, it just turns to the next thing. In some ways, it's incorrect to say, "I want this" or "I want that." It's more correct to just say "I want," in the same way that we say "I ache." ... I noticed that what we wanted on the surface -- the minibike or the "normal" ranch house -- were just proxies for what we really wanted" to fit in. We wanted to be loved. We wanted to not feel what we imagined everyone else didn't feel -- insecurity. We wanted to feel accepted. So, here's the big question: If we want to demonstrate out membership in the human race, if we want to fit in, where on earth did the idea come from that we have to do it by having or aspiring to have exactly what everyone else has, by eating what everyone else eats, by drinking what everyone else drinks?

At what age did I start thinking that where I was going was more important that (sic) where I already was? When was it I began to believe that the most important thing about what I was doing was getting it over with? Knowing how to live is not something we have to teach children. Knowing how to live is something we have to be careful ot to take away from them.

I'd rather be the kind of nut who tries something than the kind of nut who, knowing what could happen to the world, doesn't.

If the pleasures we seek are not permanent, then how important are they?

Environmentalism is not about the environment. It is about people. It is about a vision for a better life -- for people.

It's terrible and it's wonderful, but it's true: we're all in the same boat. That's the consolation. It's not just me who's scared and lonely and worried and isn't sure how to help myself. We don't know how to help ourselves, but there is one thing we do know how to do. We know how to help eachother.

Random Things That Amuse Me, Because Maybe They Will Amuse You Too

 

 

 

 

 

Sims

My mom's family name is Sims.
It turns out the Sims family is under the Fraser Clan. Fraser is the clan of a very popular fictional character (the Outlander series, its amazing!). They also have a very nice tartan (some are really not). As I understand things, the Sims motto is "I am ready" (Je suis pret, which is French. The name comes from Anjou in France, and means "bearer of strawberries"). But the Fraser motto is "All My Hope is God." Both are cool. I assume it's not an inaccuracy somewhere, but that the septs (smaller families within a clan) would have had their own mottos.
I think I might need a scarf in this tartan. But I'm fine without the stag head.

ONWARD!

I just got back from the doctor and have been declared Officially Physically Done With Detox!! Take that, candida!
What this means for me:
- as I've already noticed, my energy level will be on the rise and my detox symptoms will be ending within the next week or two (gotta give them time to kinda peter out)
- I will be sticking to the diet pretty much for my whole life, but I can be flexible with it now. So like, a wee piece of cake (gluten-free of course, that's going to be a lifelong thing) on someone's birthday or something will be fine (quick, someone have a birthday!)
- I am now moving on to adrenal stuff.

All adrenal stuff means, though, is that I am replacing some of the anti-fungals I was taking (for the candida) with some tablets geared toward adrenal issues. No lifestyle changes, yay!! Adrenal support is going to turn into more energy (I will be able to do more than one activity a day!) and a significant decrease in depression (which I've seen with the candida protocol, too).

Although she did mention that keeping up a regular exercise regime would be good. She likes my plans to either have a dance rehearsal or walk 2 miles every day (hellooooo, Angela... lol).

Also of note: I was in close contact with some snotty and stuffy kids a few days ago and I DID NOT GET SICK!!! Not even a tiny little bit!

Hooray for healing through food (props to Abdu'll-Baha on that one!)

Goals

Never mind goals. I know what I want. Numberizing and quantifying and mathematizing them just isn't for me.
(I'm too ninja for goals!)

October. Sigh. Goals. Sigh.

I dunno how I feel about this goals thing. I'm really good at judging myself when I don't reach them.
Then again, I have a whole lot of things I want to do and goals helps break them down...
So I'm not setting any October goals til i figure out if its more helpful or harmful.
As I was typing that I had an idea. I am a goal-setting genius!
I'm gonna set numerical goals. So like, one might be "Say the obligatory prayer and 95 Alla'u'abhas every day for two weeks in a row" and then when I've achieved that, I move on. So I'm not like "Dayumn. September's over and I failed all my goals" and stuff. Also I am going to take the judgement I have about small steps out of the equation. Small steps is better than no steps, which is what I take when I set up steps that are too big... if ya follow me, lol!

So. Goals for now:

* Say the Obligatory Prayer every day for 19 days in a row.

* Eat in the way that is good for me for 10 days in a row, strictly (this does include the one meal per week that I get to eat anything!).

* Walk or Morris every day until November 22 (gotta get fit enough to dance the Renaissance Festival with the Morris Dancers.... starts on the 10th, runs through November 22), for at least 30 minutes.

* Do something creative/ artsy/ crafty at least once a week, for ... oh I don't know. This one doesn't have a time line, lol.

* Do something concrete for Play Partners every day for 10 days.

I guess that's manageable for now. There were other things I wanted to add... about meditation and writing and all kinds of stuff. But then it seemed unmanageable. I'm using a sticker method of keeping track in my journal. Yes. At 34 years old I am still motivated by stickers.