autumn

OK, so I can go along with autumn being a time for change, even for loss: I've lost my mother, my best friend, my roommate, and my gall bladder this autumn.
But can it stop now please?

Leaving

I recently had to let go of a friend.
I thought the leaving itself would be the hardest part. It was definitely the most anxiety-ridden part.
But I think now is the hardest part. Now when my friend is hurt and will not or can not communicate with me at all. when I'm thinking what ifs and remembering when times were really good, and wondering how things went so very wrong.
Part of it is that there's still logistics to work out in our relationship, so I can't just let go completely, how I was hoping to. Part of it is wanting things how they were about 6 months ago between us, when we were best friends. Part of it is being lonely and the fact that, messed up or not, he was my closest and sometimes only real life friend for more than a year, so I'm wanting a friend which translates kinda automatically to him. Part of it is wondering if, and knowing that, there were things I could have done differently or better. And I think part of it is wanting him to still think I'm a good person. Wanting him to still care, as a validation that I'm still a good person despite having hurt him terribly, knowingly, whatever my reasons were.

Confusing

Life gets so confusing...
Should I be glad I did the right thing, or sad someone is hurting?
Should I be proud or ashamed?
Will a lease get worked out or not?
Should I go for a teddy bear or a phone conversation?
What's for lunch? Do I even want lunch?
Should I try to get my winter coat and quiet my curiosity, or chalk things up as lost?
Where is home?
Will my questions ever have answers?

Gone

The person I created this blog for, primarily, won't be reading it any more....
There are some things I wish I had done differently in my life.
Right now I'm tired and overwhelmed and often confused. And sad.
I think I did pretty well by both me and her, at the end.
I have some catching up to do.
I will do it. With love. Because it is my choice to.

tired ninjas

always busy and tired. too tired for a real update. will come soon. meanwhile, ninja pictures are very entertaining.

Work!

How much do I love my job!
I just love working with the kids I do... every single one of them is the best kid in the world. Yes, yes, I know, the math doesn't work out, but it's true anyway!
I know how lucky I am to look forward to going to do my job every day. And I'm so so thankful.

I Think I'm A Housewife

My roommate has been ill (and when he gets ill, its no joke, he has some conditions that make things very rough and very touchy), but seriously, check out my day.
Woke up, made breakfast for three, including the cat (though his just consists of opening a can).
Showered
Checked email
Checked to-do list
Went to a dr appointment
Stopped at the store on the way home for groceries
Put groceries away
Switched laundry (mine and roommate's)
Folded and put away roommate's laundry
Made lunch for two (me and the cat, the roommate was asleep)
Went to a training at work
Called on the way home to make sure there's nothing else we need while I'm out
As a result, stopped off at Blockbuster
Got home and did some businessy stuff
Made dinner for three
Watched some mind-numbing TV
Got into bed, realized I'm a housewife without the wife part, and had to share with you all.

Yes, Mom, I will take apartment pictures soon and put them on Flickr!

Asheville

Wow. So here I am back in NC.

I have a very cool apartment, 2 bedroom 2 bath, that I share with a very cool roommate and the coolest cat in the world. Just yesterday I got my room completely set up, and the living room mostly set up. I still seriously need to take out some trash, but its coming along nicely. Its a little weird because we are using all my roommate's furniture and such. All of my things were sold to finance the move from Massachusetts. In all fairness, his stuff is much nicer (we have a huge TV, not sure if I like it or not all in all, heh). It's starting to feel like home though.

I start a very cool job tomorrow. I'm a Community Skills Instructor with the Autism Society of North Carolina. I get to do one on one stuff with autistic kids, working on their speech, occupational, physical, and social goals. Most of this is done in the community... so like, I will take a kid to the grocery store to work on being in public and waiting in line. That kind of thing.
I have one morning kid, 9-12. I will actually be her personal aide in her preschool classroom, which is something I always wanted to try but never got to. Then, on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I will hang out with a middle school aged boy from 2:30 to 6:30, and Tuesday and Thursdays I get to be with an elementary school aged girl from 2 to 5. I like that long lunch break thing in the middle of the day there. My house in on the way from the morning kid to the afternoon ones, so I will stop at home and have a good lunch and relax for awhile on most days. I like having a good age mix of kids so I can try out different approaches to things. My supervisor is very flexible, relaxed, and open. I think it'll all work out just really well.

Hmm, what else... found some cool places to hang out, both in town (a really nice Irish pub kind of place is among my favorites, but just walking around downtown is fun here; its so diverse!) and in the mountains (there's a park on the French Broad River about 15 minutes from my house; I plan to take the cat out there soon, on a leash of course, to see what he thinks of nature). I've been to a Baha'i devotional gathering (its more of a class, not what I'm looking for but I will go occasionally for the socialness of it) and to a Feast (which was very nice to be at, though I miss Charlotte's more open devotions). Made contact with a few people who seem like they could be friends, given time.

So all in all its slow, but going. I'd rather slow and steady and continual than fast and easy to lose!

Gossip

Gossip is pretty much the worst thing we can do. Ever. To anyone.

It destroys trust: if I talk about someone when they aren't there, how do I know you don't talk about me when I'm not there?

People judge each other: no matter how perfect we try to be, everyone judges things. Gossip is how we point out our judgments to each other and make them seem ok. So I hear a bit of gossip, say that Mary eats 3 donuts before bed every night. I judge that as unhealthy and a lack of self discipline. When I pass on the gossip, I pass on my judgment with it. So now people see Mary as unhealthy and undisciplined. That grows and grows and soon there is no one who doesn't judge Mary. It grows and becomes bigger and uglier and sadly, more fascinating to most people. Look at how it happens with celebrities: paparazzi stuff is basically just gossip with shiny pictures thrown in to make it even more irresistible. That stuff can ruin not just careers but lives. The same thing happens with regular gossip, the kind without glossy photos, the kind that takes place around a water cooler or during late night chats.

This isn't coming out right... I'll try again later. For now, just know that gossip is the most hurtful thing we can do to each other.

You Are Your Own Best Expert

I think that's just so important. Maybe THE most important thing, aside from not gossiping. Its also one of the hardest things, I think. Humans like control. We like to think we know what's best when for whom. He's drinking too much, he must stop. She doesn't wear the right clothes, I know what she should wear. They don't have the right philosophies, I know what they should believe. It makes things more comfortable to believe you know things for others; you feel in control and safe. Really though, we have no idea what's right for other people. Only they do. Maybe he drinks because its the only time he can relax, maybe she's comfortable in what she wears, maybe their philosophies work for them in ways we don't understand. The feeling out of control can be hard though. When I (I know, my pronoun use is inconsistent here) trust my friend to be his own best expert, I give up control. I can be supportive. I can be with him quietly in his process. I can be active when he asks me to be... but I am not in control of anything. When we see people we love hurting, this can be really hard. Our (or maybe just my?) first thought is generally to fix it, to get rid of the pain at whatever cost. But that's cheating our loved ones of the experience they need. The Universe/God is setting up for them what they need in order for them to become who they are meant to be. Every moment is perfect. Every moment is what's meant to be. Realizing this... remembering this in the face of great pain... is what makes it possible to relax and truly be there for someone.

...but its really hard sometimes...

Ideas needed!

I'm looking for ideas about a couple of things:

1. How to maintain my stability and sense of self in the face of others' strong emotions

2. Ways to express or release anger that don't involve anything violent (violent includes hitting pillows, stomping, door slamming, etc)

3. Ways to identify and accept emotions when they arise, so that I can be calm and convey them calmly and rationally in the moment.

Any help would be great!

BE

Don't do, just be.
Taoism speaks of non-doing. Abdu'l-Baha said there is magic in the word "be." In the Arabic abjad system, the word "be" has a numeric value of 9, the most complete number: the number of fulfillment.
To be is the most perfect thing we can do. To "do" is to try to make things happen, to push things, to have a need to be in control. To be is to relax, to not-do, to allow the universe to flow, allow God's plan to happen, allow yourself to play your role in it.
Being is beauty. Being is the best thing for yourself, your friends and family, your world, your universe. Being is easy and right.

Love vs Care

Love and caring for someone are often used synonymously, but I want to introduce a new definition in which they are actually opposites. Really, I'm just using these words to express ideas, but words are handy things given that's how we communicate.

Love is a pure, unconditional feeling. Love is the energetic expression of appreciation and wonder for the beauty of a person; for their personal Godliness. It is in the untwisted delight in the mannerisms and supposed imperfections that make Joe uniquely Joe and give Jill her Jill-ness. Love has no sense of time, no agenda, no momentum or inertia. It simply is: a flowing of energy from one person to another. Love allows us to fully and totally trust others to live their lives as they need to, for themselves and not for us.

Caring for someone is the root of care-taking. Caring is a perversion of love: caring comes with message, an agenda, something to accomplish. Caring is needing Holly to find a way out of her unstable relationship or wanting Dan to stop talking to himself when he walks outside. Out intentions may very well stem out of wanting what is best for someone, but in caring we forget that we don't know what is best for someone else. Caring leads to meddling and invasion and evasion. caring is the word we use to make it sound ok that we have agendas for people, and that we need for them to act and react in certain ways to gain our full approval.

Caring for someone and loving them are opposites. Love is genuine acceptance and appreciation, and having the complete trust in another person to know and do what is best for themselves. Caring for someone is having a need for them to change or have a particular experience and influencing them, however subtly, in that direction. Caring is harmful and can lead to the destruction of another's psyche if practiced too intensely, too often, or by too many people. While love is a wonderful thing, caring is to be avoided at all costs.

Power v/s Empowered

There's been days when I have been just an amazing person. I've been comfortable and loving and gone for my wants and been of service and just everything. And then the next day, or even that night, I freak out and do something that brings me down, like judge myself for an action or thought I usually wouldn't or something equally silly. And today I realized why I was so scared of being empowered.
I was confusing power with being empowered. Power means being able to change situations and people but maybe making mistakes and messing things up (see George W.). I've been really afraid of that, of power: of having influence and responsibility.
Empowered is a lot the same, in terms of having influence, but you get that influence through love; unconditional love. Love first means you can never screw up. So its awesome to feel good and be good when you are empowered because everything you do... everything I do... will be perfect. There is nothing to fear from being empowered, and everything to look forward to.

Yes! Thank you!

I've been looking backwards while moving forwards. Let's have an example, shall we...
I have a goal: becoming a certified child facilitator. I've been using worry and discomfort to move toward that goal. I make a mistake or do something not-so-effective in the playroom, and then I spend my energy looking back at that moment to motivate myself to go forward. And it does work. But... that means that as I move forward, I'm constantly looking back. Try that sometime... you stumble, you trip, you wander off the path. Its so much more effective to look forward; to be motivated by the gorgeous scenery of where I want to be. Once in a while it doesn't hurt to take a look back, but in general backwards is not an effective method of locomotion.
When someone gives me feedback, I have decided to see it as a hand reaching from the scenery of my goals and wants. Rather than getting feedback and thinking "oh damn, I messed up again" I will think of it as a gift and say "Yes! Thank you!" I will grab that hand of feedback and use it to pull myself forward instead of worrying about it to use it as a push from behind.
Forward!!!

oragami

We are all beautifully colored pieces of paper: we have infinite possibilities to become anything we want to be. Inherent in what we are is the ability to be anything at anytime. We are nothing and in being nothing, we are everything.
We like to trick ourselves though. We fold ourselves into a shape, maybe a crane. We think the shape of a crane will get us what we want: a job, a friend. But eventually we forget that we are nothing and everything and believe that we are a crane. We don't think we can become anything else.
The trick is to remember that whatever shape we take, its all a game. We are a piece of paper pretending to be a crane. We are a spiritual being pretending to be a physical one. We are a happy and joyful person pretending to be sad or angry or hurt, because we believe it will get us what we want. Which is fine and smart and good, as long as we remember what we really are.

Unity

Wow, what a really amazing day. Know that for this post, I use the words God and Universe to mean the same thing.
I had a talk with Fritz on Sunday night, a dialogue with Julie today at lunch, and a yoga class this evening. They all conspired so that I had a huge realization.
The realization is that I understand unity. See, we really are all just one big creature. Like lots of little cells, called people, with semi-permeable membranes so we only let in what we want to. Connected by this plasma/blood stuff called air. What that means is that when good happens for one of us, good happens for all of us. You can't improve the health of your heart without improving the health of your liver and lungs and kidneys as well. So as long as I am doing what is truly an authentically good for me, I am helping everyone around me and everyone around them, and around them... by helping myself I am helping the entire organism called Earth. Sometimes it looks like hurt or sadness or anger, but the Universe has a huge unimaginably complex plan that is so far beyond me all I can do is trust it. Whatever happens for anyone is what is meant to happen for everyone because really we are all just one big Universe, all of us together.
And as cells in the Universe, we are also completely self-reliant. We have everything we need inside of ourselves, just as cells have their independent nuclei and cytoplasm and other things I can't remember from fifth grade science. It is good and fun and amazing to be a part of the beautiful whole, but it is also good and fun and amazing to supply all of our own needs. Whichever method of fulfillment suits us best at the time is the best for everyone at that time.
God is truly Most Glorious!

I also used to have a belief that I wasn't able to figure out what is good for me. But I now have solid evidence that I can. There was a volunteer at Option who I felt uncomfortable around, and so I made a conscious decision not to become close to him, although he was pushing for that and in the past I would have ignored my discomfort and felt that I "should" be his friend. Today I found out that the reason he left Option suddenly was because he had been seriously inappropriate with a female staff member. I had an intuition, followed it, and totally took care of myself! This evidence that I can and will take care of myself is huge for me! Its further proof that as a cell in the Universe I really do have all that I need.

I love you all, my fellow cells!

New Assignments

First new assignment: where I live. This gorgeous place on the river has been so very perfect for my first year here, but it's time for me to move on. It's too expensive, too far from work, and too isolated from my friends and coworkers (most of which, ironically, is why it was so perfect for the beginning of my time here). I'm moving to a not-nearly-so-cool apartment in Great Barrington. It still has amazing views, just not involving the river. There's a cool spot of river that's nearby though. It's also about 20 minutes from work, versus a 40 minute drive from where I am now. It's very near town and a grocery store too. Its a one bedroom instead of a studio, and I am looking forward to having separate sleeping and living areas. It's also significantly cheaper than where I am now. Fritz will be my roommate at the new place, but we have it worked out so we have almost completely separate space: we will even have our own entrances.

Second new assignment: I am doing a minimum of 5 dialogues per week for 8 weeks. I just completed week 2. Its an amazing assignment! I sent an email to everyone I could think of who does dialogues. I am getting some from some pretty big-time mentors and teachers around Option, and it's been amazing. My beginning topic is always to be something around expressing emotion, but dialogues go to a lot of unexpected places. The teacher who assigned it to me said to think of it as a blast off: it takes a lot of energy to get out of the atmosphere (like 5 dialogues a week) but once you are there you only need to make course adjustments, you don't need a huge thrust again.

In unassigned news, my new way of eating is really good for me. I tried to eat a lovely chocolate cake the other day and.... I didn't like it. I was momentarily depressed, but then realized how wonderful it is. I still crave the feeling I used to get from eating things like chocolate cake, but I've created a new belief that melon is my treat. So I don't buy melon regularly; I treat it as an occasional special treat food. That's been working really well for me, though I will admit to a certain yearning in my salivary glands when I see a chocolate filled croissant.
I'm loving spring here: everything is all shiny and green and new. It inspires me to be shiny and green and new as well.

It's a really exciting time to be me!

Something

Something, something, something, but I don't know what, feels like its missing. When I'm productive and doing things I feel good. When I don't have something I'm working on, like on weekends when nothing is planned and no projects need doing, I don't feel good. I know, I have to relax and stuff to have energy or whatever. But I feel restless and unsatisfied. Like right now, I'm only posting to have something to do that has some kind of result. Some time soon I think I'm going to have to look at this.

Ridvan

Ridvan is a series of important Baha'i holy days. The most holy, actually. For me it went by pretty much unnoticed. I'm not able to take the days off work/training. There is no one here to celebrate it with. When I first got here I tried having celebrations and observances on my own, but that quickly lost its charm. Its interesting to see that I seem to rely on others to keep my religious fervor up. Living the life, in many ways, is something that's been missing from my life since I got here. In some ways I'm doing it: I strive to live according to the principles and laws of Baha'u'llah, I still teach and talk about the Faith. But I no longer observe holy days or Feasts and I have started to lose my dedicated times of prayer and reading the Writings. I intend to go back to reading the Writings morning and evening and observing the obligatory prayer, starting today. If anyone has writings about isolated believers, or keeping up individual faith, I'd love to read them. I will be looking for them myself as well.
Alla'u'abha.

May Day!

For a little while spring here smelled like spring... you know: grass, dirt, fresh things, maybe some nice clean rain. That lasted about a week. Then spring smelled like cow manure and burnt stuff. The farmers burn off the stumps and roots of last year's crop before they turn the soil. The homeowners rake their years and burn all the dead wintry debris.
Also, mayflies are a real creature that likes to swarm around anything living. And the mosquitoes are coming out to play.
And yesterday..... there were snow flurries! WTFBBQ!
I still love spring though.

health

I've done a lot of medical testing in the past few weeks, to try to figure out why I'm sick so much. I'm sick so much that I've already used up all my sick time for the year! Granted, that's not a whole lot of time, but still.
I did blood work labs, a very thorough physical, and allergy testing. It's fascinating how much the findings support the other methods of medical information I've been using (Traditional Chinese Medicine and a medical intuitive), but that's another post.
The lab results: I am anemic (that's low iron), have an Omega-3 deficiency, and a frighteningly severe Vitamin D deficiency. Those are all being addressed through taking supplements; its too big a deal to wait for a change in diet or something to be worked out and kick in. I also have a Urinary Tract Infection that it looks like has been around for a very long time... months and months. My symptoms are abnormal so I never picked up on it. Basically I just get weird lower abdominal pain at times, but I've had none of the discomfort during urination or anything like that. That's not being treated with antibiotics right now, though my doctor is thinking about trying sulfa drugs instead. The reason we aren't doing antibiotics is....
The allergy testing results. The biggest thing is I am completely over run with candida yeast. My recurring sinus infections, it seems, are not recurring sinus infections. They are yeast infections in my sinuses. I also probably get them in my lungs which is why I almost always have a mild cough. Basically anywhere there is a mucus membrane, I have at least a low-grade yeast infection. I thought my random skin itchiness was due to the different water here, or maybe a detergent or soap allergy. Nope. Yeasties again. So a large part of my brand new diet is avoiding foods that feed yeast. So that's all grains except rice, quinoa, amaranth, buckwheat, and millet. Also all sugars, including natural ones for a while, except for one serving of fresh fruit per day. In unrelated-to-yeast allergies, there's nightshade vegetables (tomatoes, peppers, some squashes), all dairy except for butter and whey (that's milk from any animal, not just cows, that I'm intolerant to), soy in any form, peanuts, nitrates (those are found in almost all food preservatives and colorings so it pretty much rules out anything except fresh foods and home made items), chocolate, coffee, and any corn product, and gluten.
Here, let's make this easier: here is what I CAN eat:
-any fresh meat, but it's much better if it's antibiotic-free
-any vegetable except for nightshades and white potatoes, but only limited amounts of beans, winter squash, yams, and sweet potatoes
-rice, quinoa, amaranth, buckwheat, or millet, but only one serving the size of my palm per day
-one serving of fresh fruit per day
-any nut except peanuts
So that's pretty much how I'm eating this past week and a half. Plus the 3 afore-mentioned supplements, a probiotic, a multivitamin, vitamin C, and a grapefruit seed extract pill (kills the candida). For those counting, thats 8 different kinds of pills and comes up to about 24 pills per day.
I've been struggling with feeling restricted and such, but yesterday I had some pretty cool revelations in a dialogue.
1. Things can be big without being hard. So, this is a big change, with a lot of adjustments, but it isn't difficult. It's a lot, but not hard.
2. Cravings are awesome! My body craves sugars and breads because it doesn't have enough of those chemicals. Which means those chemicals are working their way out of me and I am getting healthier!
3. I know empirically that this way of eating and taking care of myself is working. I already have way fewer headaches, sleep more deeply, and wake up feeling awake (instead of having a groggy hour or two every morning). So I know that I am taking the best care of myself that I can by taking such good care of myself.
I go back to the allergy doctor next Wednesday (April 23) and get re-tested for some things. The idea is that the diet will change over time; get less restrictive (like maybe I could have limited amounts of natural sugars again, or could do a rotation diet with some of the foods, or have them once in a while), so I am excited to see what the results will be this time. I don't expect a whole lot of change, to be honest, because there's been some cheating going on in the diet and a few times I've forgotten to take my pills in the mornings.
Eating takes more planning now. I can't just grab anything from anywhere. Once I get into the groove though, I think it's gonna get even better.
Oh, I also have pretty much every environmental allergy there is (dander, dust, mold, quite a few pollens, several household type chemicals), which can be controlled by... well... not being around those things.
Here's to health!

by the way

I got a haircut.

spot checks!

I made a major move in my training. Let me give some background first. There are three levels to this apprenticeship. First is Class B (B is for beginner). In class B you are generally in the playroom once to twice a week, increasing from 15 minutes to 1 or occasionally 1.5 hours. You are videotaped for 15 minutes of both of your times in the playroom, and have 2 feedback classes a week based on getting feedback on those tapes.
After about 6 months you move up to Class I (that's I for intermediate). Class I is in the room a minimum of twice a week, for a minimum of an hour. You will generally go into the room for up to 4 hours a week, in total. Class I is videotaped for 15 minutes of only one of their sessions and has just one feedback class per week, based on that video. For one other session in a week, Class I gets what is called spot checks. For a spot check a teacher or teacher trainee will observe you in the room in person (we have an observation room with a huge two-way mirror attached to every playroom that we observe through). Your observer gives you written feedback that includes the areas that you were most and least effective in, but there is no class or official discussion (of course you are always free to go to your spot checker and ask questions etc). Toward the end of Class I you begin to work to get four video tapes that are considered senior apprentice level. When you get four, you move up to Class A. That usually happens at around a year.
Next is Class A (for advanced) which is also known as Senior Apprentice. These people don't have feedback class any more; their feedback is all from spot checks. When the teachers decide you are ready, you begin to work on tapes again. You are video taped in the playroom at random, at least once a week. The teachers then watch the tapes and decide whether you are at the level of a certifiable Child Facilitator. You have to get four tapes in a row (that's four weeks in a row). Three of the four must be excellent and one can be fair. If your tape for a week isn't certifiable quality, you start over at tape number one. After your four tapes, you are back on spot checks. This time one of the two senior teachers (that's Kate and William) will spot check you at random once a week. When you get four certifiable spot checks in a row (again, that's four weeks in a row) its just a matter of waiting for them to tell you you are truly certified.
OK, so after all that, here's the very cool news: I just moved up to Class I!

taxes shmaxes

I've always had H&R Block do my taxes, no matter how simple, because I've been afraid to mess anything up. I just e-filed my taxes all by myself though. I think. Cross your fingers for me!

I need YOUR help!

Here's the thing: I'm so driven and motivated to grow that I push myself. I even put pressure on myself at times. And I get sick. I don't think there's been a month since I got here that I haven't had at least one day off. Right now I have strep throat for the second time this year. The doctor says it probably wasn't killed all the way last time (which was like 2 months ago) and its been hanging out and multiplying and planning its revenge. So here's the question: how do I get a break from being responsible for all of my emotions and behaviors all of the time? A lot of people I train with are pretty big drinkers. Some are highly sexual. Everyone has some way to blow off the world, and I need one. Please share any ideas you have! Ideas about how to relax on pushing myself to grow and change and about how to stop judging myself when I do feel bad. But mostly ideas about how to take a break from the world, that doesn't involve drink, drugs, sex, or self injury. Thanks, my peeps.

Spring!

I believe in Spring! The weather has been gorgeous, sunny and in the high 40s. I can go between the car and my office in just a sweatshirt! There are buds on the trees and I saw a daffodil yesterday. It's weird about spring... I can see where the idea of spring cleaning comes from. Seeing nature get all clean and pretty makes me want my stuff clean and pretty. I've bought fun smelly candles with names like Berry Jam and Honeysuckle (honeysuckle is definitely my favorite smell in the world, I think) and ate a piece of blueberry pie from the farm stand down the road, and now own two plants I'm determined not to kill. I've never appreciated spring til now because there was never such a marked contrast between it and winter before. Spring is definitely a good good thing.

independence and gratitude

First of all, of course, Happy Naw-Ruz! I went to a nice dinner with my friend and classmate Holly to celebrate. It was a really nice night.

I had a dialogue today in which I came to two really cool understandings. One is, I don't believe in dependence. We are always in charge of ourselves and our emotional responses. So, I might choose to turn my happiness over to someone else but that's still a choice I made and I can unmake it at any time. I am always completely independent!

The other realization was how I can be happy when I don't get what I want. The secret is gratitude. Even if I don't get what I want I can be grateful for the good parts of my present situation, even for the changes because I don't have what I want. For example, I'd really like Fritz to be here and not in Europe. But I can be happy anyways because now I have the opportunity to explore what it is to miss someone and expand and consolidate the rest of my social support network. To miss someone, by the way, is to have a feeling of love and not know what to do with it because the person isn't there to show it to. That's what it is for me anyway (another dialogue realization). So all I need to do is to come up with ways to express that feeling of love even when the person I love isn't around, like praying for them, sending them reiki or just a positive thought, writing/calling/emailing them, or just taking a moment to appreciate them to myself.

I'm feeling really good.

sugarfree and fritzfree

During the Baha'i Fast we don't eat from sunrise to sunset for 19 days. I'm not medically able to do that, so instead, this year, I gave up sugar for the full 19 days (not just sunrise to sunset). So far it's ok, though I have a friend who likes to tease me by offering me sugar a lot and telling me how yummy it is. I forgot twice so far: had a few bites of bread pudding and a Coke. Oh well.

My best friend here is leaving in 2 days to go to Europe for 6 weeks. Its a great opportunity for him and I'm really glad he gets to go. But strictly for my own selfish reasons, I also wish he wasn't going. I'm going to miss him really a lot. He's been such a part of my daily life here, since I got here, that I'm not sure what it'll be like without him. It'll be good for me, I know, but I'm still not looking forward to it.

I have another friend who's in a really tough situation right now. The problem is that when I listen to her I get reminded of a lot of the situations and issues in my past, and can get myself into a kind of rotten place. I don't know how to be a friend to her and still take care of myself. Last night she wanted to stay at my apartment and I had to tell her no; I just couldn't listen any more. I'm judging myself about not being able to get over my own stuff to be there for her how she needs people to be.

HAPPY AYYAM-I-HA!

Resistant to Happiness

Sounds like a commercial for a detergent for depressed people...
So it turns out I really was resistant to happiness. for like 20 or 30 years. I was afraid to be someone whose baseline emotion is happy. My baseline was depression, even in periods when I was happy. Saturday morning I was discussing this with this really amazing friend (pictured at left) at the airport (this friend has shown me how to break every belief I've ever come to him with, seriously, he's phenomenal at seeing things from outside of me but explaining them in a way that my brain and heart easily understand) and every reason I could come with for staying unhappy, he had evidence against. I know it sounds silly to have reasons to be unhappy, but I really thought I did, and for years that was the best way for me to take care of myself. But now I am a new person, which makes everything around me new, and it was time for a big change. I have a new belief now: I embrace happiness!

January 12

Today is Kahlil's birthday. I'm not really sure how I feel about that, or what I'm doing about that, but I wanted to acknowledge it first thing. I love you, little boy.