True Confessions

All right then. Some of you may have noticed I've been more my old self than is entirely comfortable, lately.
I've always had trouble in January and February, I think. Or at least, since I started being aware of such things. It dates to before Kahlil, so it's not (or at least, the onset wasn't) related to his birthday. It's possible that it's related to February 19, which was a day that a lot of my stuff came to be shared with people and was a huge turning point (for the good, but still quite a big deal) for me psychologically. My therapist and I are exploring the idea of good old traditional Seasonal Affective Disorder, too (ie, getting depressed during winter months). While SAD might play a role, it's definitely not the only contributing factor, though.
My regular doctor (well, ok, she's not regular, she's a naturopath... so, my physical doctor) is keen on biological factors, as one would expect. There are some mental disorders (most notably autism, which I don't have, but I do officially have "depression with autistic features" or "depression with autistic tendencies") in which viral infections can actually take so much out of a person that everything else kind of... shuts down. I had a bout of icky upper respiratory illness at the end of November and continuing through December. Heck, it's possible I get a cold or worse every year around that time. It would be a sensible time to get ill. She did remark that last year my January/February wasn't nearly so crazy, which is very true. I also didn't get very sick last year. Coincidence versus cause can be very confusing, but somehow it's all related, I believe.
Here is what I do know: I haven't been depressed. It may have looked a lot like depression in terms of isolating and lack of motivation and not much laughter going on. But inside it felt different. Previously when I've been truly depressed I felt like I had always felt horrid and would always feel horrid. I felt like it would never pass and everything ever was just awful. For the past couple of months, it's really felt more like I was hibernating or something. I haven't been interested in doing stuff, and I definitely haven't taking care of myself as well as I had been, in terms of spiritual, mental, and physical health. But I was ok with it. It wasn't a horrible feeling, and I was confident that eventually it would pass. I still enjoyed some things, too, and could see that there was even more to enjoy that I just wasn't in the mood for.
I'm using the past tense there because I'm pretty sure it's starting to pass. Since the weather has gotten nicer (which lends credence to SAD playing a role) I've been more interested in doing things. I've gotten my car fixed, gotten work done on my tattoo, cleaned up the house a bit, prepared for Ayyam-i-ha (gift-giving holiday for the Baha'i Faith).
However, there's a few things this time of low energy have cost me. I've a few more scars (not bad ones, and not many, and only from like 3 or 4 days), gained a few pounds (oh sugar and gluten, my love for you is so good, but so bad...), and I've decided to defer my enrollment in my nutritional counseling course. I want to take time to work out what exactly happened, and how to not let it happen again, or at least minimize it. I want to spend energy getting myself back into my life before I try to do anything extra-curricular to my basic life, like school.
I start school again in July. So that's my goal: back on schedule with building healthy habits by July.
Thanks for sticking with me, friends.