A Self-Dialogue on Failing

Haha, does that make this a fail dialogue?

I want to explore my fear of failing.


OK, when was the last time you were afraid of failing?


This morning while working out. I stopped before I probably had to. One reason was because I'm ill and didn't want to push it too much, but mostly I think it was because "if I don't try, I can't fail."

What does that mean to you?

I so didn't want to fail (ie, not do the workout right, or huff and puff too much) that I just didn't even try. If I couldn't do it perfectly, I was afraid to do it at all.

Why were you afraid of not doing the workout perfectly?

I feel like I'm not where I want to be. Where I should be.

Understanding you aren't where you want to be with your fitness and health, why were you afraid to not do the workout perfectly?

I feel judged.

By who?

Partly by myself, but mostly by other people I think. I think I judge myself so that I can say to other people "Yeah, I know. See, I think so too," when they judge me.

How did you feel this morning during the workout, about the possibility of being judged?

Afraid, and ashamed, and maybe a little angry.

Which of those would you like to look at?

Ashamed.

Ok. Why were you ashamed this morning, feeling that you might be judged?

Because I feel like I should be more fit.

Why?

Because in my system of values, physical health is important.

Understanding you value health, why are you ashamed you aren't where you want to be, health-wise?

Because... I feel like it means something about me. That I'm stupid or lazy. In this case, lazy.

Do you think you are lazy?

Yes.

Why?

Because my house is not as clean as I want it to be, and I don't do the things I want to (including exercise). If I would just do things, like cleaning and exercising and working on work, life would be a lot easier.

Why don't you do them?

Because I'm afraid of not doing them well enough. Like this morning.

So, you are afraid of not doing something "well enough" because you feel judged if you don't?

Yes. And I don't want to be judged because I feel like people must be right. Like this morning I was watching the people on the video and even my brother (who I was working out with) and thinking "I can't even come close to doing that" and I just totally gave up.

Understanding you aren't able to workout in the same way as the people on the video or your brother, why did you give up?

I feel like if I can't do it "right" its better to just not do it. When people judge me, I believe their judgments. If its in the areas of health or cleanliness anyway, because I judge myself in those areas.

Why do you judge yourself on cleanliness and fitness?

Because I am not up to my own standards.

Why not?

This is getting cyclic...

Ok, let switch the question a little: how is judging yourself serving you?

When I judge myself it means I don't have to try. Because I judge, so I don't try... wait, this isn't making sense.
Judging serves me by keeping me in my nice little safety zone, not trying new things. I am afraid of new things because I just don't know them. I might like it but I might not. Though I suppose I can always change my mind. Like with exercise, if I don't like it, I can just stop again... but wait. I'm still afraid of the judgment of other people. Like this morning. I'd still be afraid that seeing me huff and puff and turn red in the face would make someone (probably not my brother, but maybe) think I was a lazy slob.

Why are you afraid of what other people think of you? (OK, I know this isn't quite an on question, but this is where its coming from. I just jumped ahead mentally and didn't write it all out).

I was going to say "because it might effect our relationship" but I don't think that's it because I'm afraid of it with total strangers I will never interact with too, like at a gym or something. So... why am I afraid of what other people think of me? I dunno.

I'm gonna leave myself with that question: Why am I afraid of what others think of me.