I think I will learn the real meaning of the word during this training, at least when it comes to myself. I'm pretty good at being patient with other people. And at counseling other people to be patient with themselves. But I've come to realize I'm awful at being patient with myself. If I get feedback on a session in the playroom that says "celebrate with more enthusiasm" and the next time I'm in the room my celebrations are weak I go into this whole tailspin about that sucked--> I suck as a child facilitator--> I suck as a person. And it happens so fast it feels instantaneous. And familiar; dreadfully familiar. This happens a lot in my life, this "I didn't do as well as I could therefore I fundamentally suck as a person" thing. It took a friend of mine to purposely irritate me so that I would have some kind of action-y feeling so that I look at the process and see what had happened. I'm not sure if its a compliment, but this friend is very good at being just irritating enough to un-despondency me without really pissing me off.
So anyway. Patience. I have this idea that if I'm given an idea once, I should automatically be able to do that thing forever more. I'm not being patient with myself at all, not really understanding this is a process, there's a reason its a three year program. Apparently theres this whole do-learn-integrate-practice-master model of learning and I'm trying to jump from learn to master. (By the way, model-giver or anyone else who knows, how come you do first, then learn? Why isn't it learn then do?) I'm ok with not knowing something if I haven't been expressly told (eh... ok well I generally am, but that another whole post) but once I'm told, I feel like I should be integrating it right away, one hundred per cent. And then I get really judgmental if I'm not. And then I get judgmental that I'm being judgmental. And then I just get trapped in this morass of judging.
I need help with this.
Not all those who wander are lost...
4 comments:
I respectfully understand your predicament....at least I do something similar to myself. Not that that helps any. But you have my prayerful support in changing these patterns.
As to the model, I think it depends on learning style. Some start with a physical doing,like your brother, for others the doing may be observing or reading about something. Those are still actions, ie. doing. The pattern you are describing started really early. I think it started because when you were younger, for most things you did, you did only have to be told once or hear once etc. You developed an expectation of this. Remember, "Turn it into a butterfly"? That was developed as a way to counter this tendency. Your mind understands this patience because you are able to articulate the reasons why you should be patient. Another part of you needs to know / believe. It helps me to think of myself as another person temporarily and how would I react to that other person. I try to think Kam, kam, ruz beh ruz. I try to take myself into account each day and then let go. To me that is at least half of the reason why we are to take ourselves into account. I think only the people who really care, who are trying to be their best struggle with this. You are one of those people, ever growing and striving. I love you. I am so happy to have you in my life.
It's great that you can identify the destructive processes that happen inside your head. That's the first step to conquering them. And I remember a time - not too long ago - when you'd not have recognised these things. Agree?
You'll be fine, you'll get there. I know it. And hey, I'm never wrong ;-)
I both laughed and pondered quite a bit on this one... but nothing to add really. Except that you rock.
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