The Day My Mom Died

I had a dream last night, with my mom in it. It's the first time I've dreamed of her since she died, that I remember. she and I and my friend were in a car, and I was getting really frustrated with Mom for what I thought were silly decisions. Then I woke up. I kinda feel bad for feeling frustrated with her in the dream. So maybe that's why I've been thinking of her today, specifically the day she died and how it all played out. Also her birthday and of course Mother's Day are this month, so maybe that's part of why that day is in my head. Anyway, I thought I'd write about it.

I didn't live in the same city as my mum while she was ill. For a while I didn't live in the same state, but I decided to move when I realized her cancer was going to be a long term kind of thing (yeah, yeah, I know, it was cancer, of course its a big deal... maybe I was in denial or something). I think it was Monday that my brother called me and let me know that her condition was deteriorating quickly; she might die soon, and I might want to make plans to be there. I left about an hour or two after that call. When I got to mom's house she was still alert enough that she definitely knew I was there. She looked at me and smiled this really big smile. I'm glad I got there when I did... even the next day, she wasn't nearly as responsive.
The week was kind of just one big waiting. Me, my brother, my uncle from California and grandmother from Florida (mom's brother and mom) were there. Mom had 24-hour care, too, so there was always a worker there. And a family friend called Diane, who works with Hospice, was there a lot. There were a few visitors as well. Someone my mom had known a long time stayed with her for a whole night, while I got some sleep (I was staying at her house). Even though we had a night time caregiver, I just felt like someone she knew well should be with her. So she kept getting worse... less responsive, needing more pain meds, which in turn made her less responsive.... During the week my sister in law, and her and my brother's two kids, also came by to say goodbye. My nephew brought some candles and spent a long time arranging then just right for his Oma. I remember a time when my brother and I were listing people who were ready to greet her in the next world. I remember telling her that we looked sad, but we would be ok, and not to hang on for us. Sometime in there my brother and I arranged things at a funeral home, too. Chose a casket, a plot near my son's grave. There was a moment of giddy hilarity when we flipped to the back of the casket catalogue and saw a corrugated cardboard box for $99. Seriously. A cardboard box. I think the funeral home people were a little confused that we didn't know when we wanted the service, as she wasn't dead yet.
The last thing I remember her saying was when someone and I (I don't remember who.. maybe Diane?) and I were at her bedside, telling her that it was ok to go and things like that. Mom suddenly kind of startled awake and said "I'm not going anywhere!" Sometimes it bothers me that maybe she wasn't ready to die, but I usually believe that by the end, she was ready.
She died on Thursday, October 30. My uncle and I had gone out to lunch and just as we were finishing up, got a text from my brother. He said things were progressing quickly now, there were signs of death being near, and we might want to get back to Mom's house. We did. The family gathered around Mom's bed and said prayers. My grandmother singing Amazing Grace so sweetly to her dying daughter was one of the most beautiful things I've ever witnessed. Each person in the family took time alone with Mom, too. I don't know what anyone else said, but I told her that I know sometimes I had made choices for myself that weren't the ones she would have made for me. And that there has been anger and frustration and hurt between us. I told her that I forgave all that, and that now there was only love between us. I'm pretty sure she gave me a little nod.
We had scheduled some close friends to visit, and my brother and I decided to allow that visit to happen, but asked Diane to please ask them to leave if it looked like Mom was about to go. We wanted it to be a family time. The three friends were there visiting, and my uncle, brother, and Diane were in another room talking. Mom started having longer and longer spaces between breaths. Several seconds, maybe even up to 30. I went to the other room and told them, "You need to come now." I think maybe Diane had been telling them that it would be soon, too. I signalled Diane to please ask the friends to leave, and they did. One hadn't gotten her personal time with Mom, but they all left anyway. And then there was a time when as we were waiting for that next breath, it never came. It took a minute for me to realize it was never going to come. I said, "You did it, Mom." Her body had been ready to go for a while, and she was finally able to let go. My brother said "That is exactly what I was about to say." We all laughed, and cried, and said more prayers. Then we tried to make some phone calls. We had a land line and three or four cell phones, on at least two different carriers, but none would call out. After about half an hour, they started working again.
When the funeral home came to pick her up they seemed kind of surprised that we were all in the room still. When they were putting the bag over her, they asked me what I wanted them to do. I told them "whatever you normally do." So they zipped it up all the way.
I spent that night in her house, but I didn't sleep well at all. The house still felt... occupied, somehow. After that night, I stayed at my brother's place.
Of course there was body preparation, and funeral... memorial service, the cleaning out of her house, what to do with her stuff.... but what's been on my mind today is the day she died.