abandonment

I have issues with abandonment. Seriously. Sometimes I think I'm kinda over it and then the universe decides to test me. I fail.
Last night someone I care about kinda inexplicably disappeared. The details turned out to be very convoluted, and a message from him was relayed incorrectly to me, and all in all it wasn't that big a deal once I figured out what had actually happened. But the point in this: when I thought he was gone for a long time with no explanation and no direct goodbye, I freaked out. "He's decided I'm disgusting, just like I always knew I was, every time I care about someone they disappear, its not worth caring about people 'cause you just get left, the happiness isn't worth the pain" and all that. It was less than it has been in the past, so maybe I'm getting better with it. But it was still there and it still sucked a lot, causing vomiting and a sleepless night.
Any ideas, friends?

It's Not a Texas Tattoo, Ry

So I got a new tattoo while I was in Austin. Its actually centered on my forearm, its just then when you hold your arm up the muscles and skin twist around. While it does happen to be a single star design, it is not a Lone Star/ Texas thing. That's a coincidence I didn't notice 'til the next day. Here's what it is though. The friend I went to visit has a tat of Orion (like, the constellation) across his back. Almost every star in it is different: different colors, numbers of points, interior designs, exterior designs, sizes... just all different kinds of stars. My newest tattoo is one of those stars. Orion's left foot, actually, but not because that's significant, its just the star I like the best. Orion has always meant protection to me (turns out it does to this friend too) so my star is symbolic of being always protected. It also has a nebula around it, which is where stars are born. This Orion-inked friend has been a huge resource for me during my move to Massachusetts and just in life in general the past several months, and I've grown in ways I thought were impossible for me; so its also a reminder that I can do and be anything, and that support and friends are a hugely important aspect of change. And that change is good and fun and even easy!
Yes, I also got a haircut. It was time. I tend to cut my hair during times of change and transition and growth, or to commemorate some event. The past 2 months have had lots of all of those things, so I decided it was time. I like it. Its shaved underneath to about the temple, and makes a rather jaunty little ponytail.

Details to Follow

I'm tired, so here's just a teaser like.
I went on a trip to Austin, Texas this past weekend to see a friend of mine. It was spectacular. Austin is a really neat city with bats and turtles and pralines and fried pickles and lakes and toys and queso and tostadas and fun and friendliness. And its really pretty too. It was glorious to see my friend and have hugs. I got a new tattoo and a hair cut, too. It was a rockin' awesome birthday weekend, nearly perfect. I'm so so so glad I went. I was already really close to this friend I went to see, and now I feel even closer, which is a really nice feeling. I met another friend there for a few hours, and that was also really really nice.
Had a phone call with Julie Walker this morning. I still get to eat chocolate! Just not refined sugars, lol. More details on that too.

dingdong, the belief is dead

I've been holding on to this belief that unhappy people get more and better attention than happy people. Like if someone is sad, they get hugs and sweetness and all that nurturing stuff but if someone is happy people just assume they're good. For the past month or so I've been annoyed at that belief, because I use unhappiness to get attention. For a long long time it was way less conscious than that, but for a month or two I've been pretty aware but unable to figure out how to get that same nurturing attention without resorting to the almost-manipulation of feeling down or upset to get it. For the past week and a half I've been actively looking for evidence that happy people do get good attention and that I get good attention when I'm happy. I've also been working on ways to get the same kind of attention I get when I'm unhappy, but when I'm going ok (thanks you loads of people who talking with me about that). Here's the consensus and what I've come to find actually works: sometimes it'll just come anyway, and I can ask for it when I want it! I've taken to saying "tell me something sweet" or "be loving to me please" and, as silly as I think it sounds sometimes, it works really well. It doesn't even feel insincere when people respond, which I thought it might.
So. I now believe that happy people get amazing, sweet, loving attention and there is no reason to be unhappy. Yay! It feels a lot better this way.

editing

For some random reason I was just reminded of an magazine editor I used to work for, who made corrections [IN BOLD ITALIC CAPS] and it was always very funny.
Thinkin' of you too of course, Ang.

Patience

I think I will learn the real meaning of the word during this training, at least when it comes to myself. I'm pretty good at being patient with other people. And at counseling other people to be patient with themselves. But I've come to realize I'm awful at being patient with myself. If I get feedback on a session in the playroom that says "celebrate with more enthusiasm" and the next time I'm in the room my celebrations are weak I go into this whole tailspin about that sucked--> I suck as a child facilitator--> I suck as a person. And it happens so fast it feels instantaneous. And familiar; dreadfully familiar. This happens a lot in my life, this "I didn't do as well as I could therefore I fundamentally suck as a person" thing. It took a friend of mine to purposely irritate me so that I would have some kind of action-y feeling so that I look at the process and see what had happened. I'm not sure if its a compliment, but this friend is very good at being just irritating enough to un-despondency me without really pissing me off.
So anyway. Patience. I have this idea that if I'm given an idea once, I should automatically be able to do that thing forever more. I'm not being patient with myself at all, not really understanding this is a process, there's a reason its a three year program. Apparently theres this whole do-learn-integrate-practice-master model of learning and I'm trying to jump from learn to master. (By the way, model-giver or anyone else who knows, how come you do first, then learn? Why isn't it learn then do?) I'm ok with not knowing something if I haven't been expressly told (eh... ok well I generally am, but that another whole post) but once I'm told, I feel like I should be integrating it right away, one hundred per cent. And then I get really judgmental if I'm not. And then I get judgmental that I'm being judgmental. And then I just get trapped in this morass of judging.
I need help with this.