Stereotypes

So, I just went to the doctor (where I found out I have pneumonia, but that's not the point here). When I need a regular Western doctor I just go to a clinic down the street, so these people don't know me or anything.

As they do, my nurse asked about the scars on my arm. I told her "I used to self injure." Most medical professional then ask how long it's been, and/or if I'm in treatment. I tell them "3 or 4 years" and "Once a week therapy" and that is that. Fair enough.

But today when I said "I used to self injure" the nurse said, "Oh, is that emo?" I said "...I'm sorry?" She said "Emo. Isn't cutting yourself called emo?" So then I had to 'splain to her "Actually, emo is a stereotype. One that a lot of people in my position would find offensive. Self injury, on the other hand, is a psychological disorder." She stopped asking. 

Regret Nothing

Antilamentation 

by Dorianne Laux

Regret nothing. Not the cruel novels you read
to the end just to find out who killed the cook.
Not the insipid movies that made you cry in the dark,
in spite of your intelligence, your sophistication.
Not the lover you left quivering in a hotel parking lot,
the one you beat to the punchline, the door, or the one
who left you in your red dress and shoes, the ones
that crimped your toes, don’t regret those.
Not the nights you called god names and cursed
your mother, sunk like a dog in the livingroom couch,
chewing your nails and crushed by loneliness.
You were meant to inhale those smoky nights
over a bottle of flat beer, to sweep stuck onion rings
across the dirty restaurant floor, to wear the frayed
coat with its loose buttons, its pockets full of struck matches.
You’ve walked those streets a thousand times and still
you end up here. Regret none of it, not one
of the wasted days you wanted to know nothing,
when the lights from the carnival rides
were the only stars you believed in, loving them
for their uselessness, not wanting to be saved.
You’ve traveled this far on the back of every mistake,
ridden in dark-eyed and morose but calm as a house
after the TV set has been pitched out the upstairs
window. Harmless as a broken ax. Emptied
of expectation. Relax. Don’t bother remembering
any of it. Let’s stop here, under the lit sign
on the corner, and watch all the people walk by.

One Month Sugar Free

Today is my 29th day sugar free (OK, so not quite a month, but close enough)!

I do still have some cravings, but they are infrequent and mild. Often when I think about eating something specific, though, the idea is unpleasant and I find I don't actually want to eat sweets. I think I just still have an idea that I want that kind of stuff. The other night, actually, I had a sugar cookie and it made me ill (literally). My body now recognizes that processed sugars aren't good for it, and will do something about it!

Putting aside the fact that I currently have a cold, I am feeling really good. I am more clear headed and motivated. I have lost 14 pounds in the 30 days (and all I really changed was not eating sugar and sweeteners) and I am getting fewer headaches.

While I have had a few days of low energy/ depression during the past month, it was directly attributable to an event and it only lasted a couple days (versus a week or two of indeterminate-origin depression, which is how my depression usually manifests).

I have candida rashes under my arms which are almost completely gone now. When they totally disappear, I will add moderate amounts of natural sugars back into my diet (ie honey, agave, occasional brown rice syrup or evaporated cane juice, fruit juices, et cetera) but I intend to stay away from processed and artificial sweeteners altogether.

Two Weeks Sugar Free

As of today I am 14 days sugar free! (Except I had a glass of Dr. Pepper twice, and about 4 bites worth of agave-sweetened raw-food dessert at a holiday party.)

It's been quite a struggle at times, and it's been really interesting to learn how much I rely on sugar as a mood stabilizer and booster. I find myself thinking things like "Man, I feel lonely, I need a cookie," which works in the short term for feeling better, but doesn't address the issue at all. I can see the silliness of it, but it doesn't make me want the cookie any less! Instead though, I'm learning to do other things to address my emotion needs, including just feeling the feeling and realizing it's just a part of being human and that it won't actually hurt me.

Some things that have been helping me out in this process:

• I have a sugar-free buddy. We quit sugar at the same time (actually, she is a day ahead of me) and we message each other online every morning and evening (and often in between!) for support and cheer leading and as a bit of accountability. That's been really great for me; I honestly don't think I would still be sugar-free without her.
• I have hypoglycemia and I noticed that if I have a small bit of unsweetened fruit juice in the mornings the rest of the day is a lot easier. I think it might be that my hypoglycemic body needs a little sugar jump-start in the mornings after the night's fasting, just to get things kinda evenly keeled. 
• I'm not sure if this is a contributor, but for the past 2 days I've been drinking alkaline water and for those two days I have had fewer cravings. 
• I am reading a lot of articles and books (I especially recommend the book "Sugar Blues" by William Dufty) about why sugar is so bad for humans, and its history. It's been good to have these constant reminders of why I am doing what I am doing for myself.

Frustration

Sometimes I get frustrated and I just have no idea why. Maybe irritable is a better word, but whatever it is it makes me both want company and be bad company all at the same time. I try doing things to alleviate the feeling, but nothing I do is quite "right" somehow.
Ugh.