So basically, in the grand scheme of life, I'm doing OK. I have set backs and all, but who doesn't. Whereas, 5 or 6 years ago, I was really not doing OK. I mean, really... but I'll spare you the details.
But here's the interesting thing; sometimes I'm not OK with doing OK. For a lot of reasons, I suspect, but one is that (and I know in my head that this doesn't make much sense, but I feel it anyway) sometimes I feel like being OK now negates my past not-being-OK-ness. Like, somehow, if I was able to get over it, it wasn't actually all that bad.
And it kinda makes me interested in self-sabotage, just so that I can make sure that my troubled past isn't forgotten. I'm not even sure who I think shouldn't forget... me, you, my family, God... I have no idea. But the thought is often there, especially when it's just been pointed out to me how very OK I am doing now.
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1 comment:
I hear you.
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