I have recently had what I think is my first experience of truly disliking my self injury scars (I have quite a few, and I do not bother to hide them). Generally I feel pretty neutral about them; I don't feel shame that I chose an unhealthy coping mechanism for part of life. In fact, I am glad that I managed to come up with a method that kept me alive; I really believe that without the release of self injury (in the absence of healthier coping mechanisms) I would not be alive today.
Most of my scars are white, either raised or flat. Some, however, have healed a pinkish-red. I haven't looked into the science of why, but I do know that some scars just do that. The problem is, it makes them look as if they are newish. In fact, a friend who I haven't seen in a while recently wondered aloud if those scars did represent newer injuries. My therapist asks every year when I begin to wear short sleeves in the spring, if the redder scars on my upper arm are new.
They aren't. It's been a long, long time; so long I'm not even sure of how long. It bothers me for several reasons that people think I might have recently been or currently am self injuring. The biggest two are:
For one thing, I am proud that I'm not hurting myself any more. When people think I am, it messes with that.
Also, I know what a worry it can be, and how hurtful it can be, to have someone in your life who is self injuring. I don't want the people I care about to feel like this is an ongoing concern.
It's been an interesting experience, disliking some of my scars. I suppose I'll be working on making peace with them, and finding the beauty in them, as one does with any body part they aren't too fond of.
