Friday, February 24, 2012

Raised Red Scars

I have recently had what I think is my first experience of truly disliking my self injury scars (I have quite a few, and I do not bother to hide them). Generally I feel pretty neutral about them; I don't feel shame that I chose an unhealthy coping mechanism for part of life. In fact, I am glad that I managed to come up with a method that kept me alive; I really believe that without the release of self injury (in the absence of healthier coping mechanisms) I would not be alive today.

Most of my scars are white, either raised or flat. Some, however, have healed a pinkish-red. I haven't looked into the science of why, but I do know that some scars just do that. The problem is, it makes them look as if they are newish. In fact, a friend who I haven't seen in a while recently wondered aloud if those scars did represent newer injuries. My therapist asks every year when I begin to wear short sleeves in the spring, if the redder scars on my upper arm are new. 

They aren't. It's been a long, long time; so long I'm not even sure of how long. It bothers me for several reasons that people think I might have recently been or currently am self injuring. The biggest two are:

For one thing, I am proud that I'm not hurting myself any more. When people think I am, it messes with that.

Also, I know what a worry it can be, and how hurtful it can be, to have someone in your life who is self injuring. I don't want the people I care about to feel like this is an ongoing concern. 

It's been an interesting experience, disliking some of my scars. I suppose I'll be working on making peace with them, and finding the beauty in them, as one does with any body part they aren't too fond of. 

Monday, February 20, 2012

So True...

I totally agree. But then the question becomes, how do you manipulate how you see yourself?

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Great Things

New places

Old friends

My kindle

Knitted mice