Thursday, February 26, 2009


Ayyam-i-ha has been saved due to a confused UPS guy (my apartment is difficult to find) and my dad and step-mother. I got to have an Ayyam-i-ha present during Ayyam-i-ha! Thank you!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The Flu

The flu. I have it.
It stinks. My temperature hasn't been below 101 in days, and i made it up to 103 this morning. I've nauseous and congested (I actually wake up in the middle of the night choking on mucus) and achy and shivery. The doctor says not to expect to start to feel better for a week.
The flu is also very contagious, which means I will be missing Ayyam-i-ha (the Baha'i holiday) this year. I can't go to my community's party on Friday and I can't go see my family over the weekend. The holidays were gonna be weird enough this year without mom, but now they just kinda suck.
My self-pity is overwhelming, is it not? For now though I'm just kinda miserable.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

I want to be called River

OK, probably not for real. But here's the philosophy:
1. Rivers are just cool.
2. When I am near a good sized river, I feel better in myself; less depressed, more open, more energy, etc.
3. Rivers seem always fresh. You never look at the same river twice; its always new water, new sparkles, a slightly different course....
4. Rivers are never greedy, they never cling. They just flow and allow life to take its course. Very Tao.

Maybe I just want to be renewed.

Sunday, February 8, 2009


(Gosh I'm prolific today, aren't I?)
This quote is often attributed to Nelson Mandela. It seems that while he did say it in one of his speeches, he was quoting an author named Marianne Williamson in her book Return to Love: Reflections on a Course in Miracles.
Whoever said it, this is pretty much exactly where I am right now. I keep doing things that in retrospect are self sabotaging. Like yesterday I had a pretty good day, got a lot done, cleaned up a bit, sat in the sun with a book.... and then at night I "forgot" (really I did forget, but I'm sure I only did it because my tricky little brain wanted the result) to take my meds (they help me sleep) so I didn't get to sleep until quite late when I finally figured it out. Whenever it seems I have a real chance to get ahead, something always comes up, and if I trace that something back a few steps, it usually winds up originating with me.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

CD Baby

This is what an online company called CD Baby emailed me to let me know they have shipped my order. I love originality!

Your CDs have been gently taken from our CD Baby shelves with
sterilized contamination-free gloves and placed onto a satin pillow.

A team of 50 employees inspected your CDs and polished them to make
sure they were in the best possible condition before mailing.

Our packing specialist from Japan lit a candle and a hush fell over
the crowd as he put your CDs into the finest gold-lined box that money
can buy.

We all had a wonderful celebration afterwards and the whole party
marched down the street to the post office where the entire town of
Portland waved "Bon Voyage!" to your package, on its way to you, in
our private CD Baby jet on this day, Friday, February 6th.

I hope you had a wonderful time shopping at CD Baby. We sure did. Your picture is on our wall as "Customer of the Year." We're all
exhausted but can't wait for you to come back to CDBABY.COM!!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!


CD Baby
the little store with the best new independent music (503)595-3000


By stuff I mean, the things that clutter up my life. And my home. And car.
I can understand the need to have aesthetically pleasing surroundings: even holy texts say that having beautiful surroundings is restful and beneficial to the soul. My decorating tastes are pretty simple. I like an item or a somehow matched set of items to stand out and not be part of a clutter. I like plants. I like simple wood. That's whats restful and beneficial to me. And that's not what I wonder about.
What I wonder about is...
Why do I have a drawer and a chest full of craft and office supplies, for just one person?
Why do I have three pictures of Abdu'l-Baha up in a two room apartment?
Why are there so many books that literally every flat surface including the dining table has been forced into service as a bookshelf? I know, this one is highly charged for book lovers. Bit I myself AM a book lover... and still most of these books I will probably only read a few times and could get from any library. Why keep them dusty in my space?
Why do I have boxes full of mementos? Just to serve as reminders? In the end, what does if matter if I remember the specific stuffed lamb I had as a baby and young child? Its not as if I will forget childhood. Why do I keep the last birthday card my father sent me, until the next one arrives? Its not as if I will forget he loves me, or that I was born. This is the category of stuff that I wonder most about, and that is most cluttery. Most of it is not beautiful in a way that should be displayed or is restful to the eye and the spirit. And yet I hang onto it with a ferocity that surprises me and even frightens me at times. If something were to happen to Kahlil's baby blanket I would be devasted... but why? No matter what material items I possess, he will still be a part of me where ever and when ever I am.
So why, why this need to possess materially when I am already and eternally spiritually connected to everything I have ever loved?


Everyone knows I'm not a winter person. I don't like cold, snow and ice eventually turn to slush, colds and flus abound... and yet...
It snowed here in Asheville the other day, the first time there's been a significant amount that stayed on the ground. And I had all this great memories of Massachusetts, where there really is a Winter. Like getting to wear cozy sweatshirts and hoodies all day. And there's something ruggedly primal and satisfying about wearing boats and a coat so thick your arms don't move properly, and gloves (maybe two pairs), and big clunky boots that almost reach your knee; like Nature tried to keep you down but you are too strong. Or the sound of plows scraping and roaring along the roads at 2am, so you wake up a little and know that you are safe and looked after, and go back to sleep snuggled under the blanket. Or the look of a fresh snowfall, with flakes still fluttering down onto the trees lining the Housatonic River, that makes everything look sparkling and clean and start-over-able.
As much as I complain about winter, there are some parts I enjoy, and parts that I miss.....
But not enough to move back up north!!!

Tuesday, February 3, 2009


My steam radiators aren't quite enough to make the house not chilly when the weather is really bad. Especially in the bedroom, where there's little cracks of openness where the windows don't quite meet the window sill. So at night I take a hot bath (I don't have a shower, just a tub) and get directly into bed. The best part is when the cats come and curl up with me, one against my chest and one in the little nook my knees make when I lie on my side. I think that's about the best way to fall asleep.