Monday, October 29, 2007

Dear Jordon

Hello, big boy!
I loved getting my message the other day, with you singing. I can't believe you know the whole alphabet, and a brand new prayer I've never heard you say! I have pictures of you and mommy and daddy and Aliana at my desk at work, and I think of you all every day. In a couple of months I will be coming to visit your family and Oma. I hope we will get to play lots, and I can't wait to see what new things you will have learned by then!
I love you very much.
Auntie Sonya

Friday, October 19, 2007

duh, just ask!

Okokok. So I just really fully realized this last night, and worked with it today. I use unhappiness as a way to get attention. Now people, I know I've said that before, but I just knew it in my head, I didn't really believe it. No wait. Yes I did. But I didn't change it because I really believed that unhappiness is the only way to get people to show caring and nurturing. And I had ample evidence. When I was happy, active caring was kinda hit or miss but when I was unhappy, man, people rushed to love me! Well, here's what I figured out. I wasn't getting that caring kind of energy in my interactions when I was happy because I WASN"T ASKING FOR IT! Even when I thought I was, I was asking really unclearly, not at all specifically and usually not in the moment. So instead of "I'd love a hug, please!" I was saying things like "Why aren't you happier for me?" which is just a question, its not at all an expression of what I want. Duh, I wasn't getting what I wanted when I was happy because people didn't know what I wanted!
And here's an exciting second part. Suppose I do say "I'd love a hug, please" and my friend says "no." So what! They say this all the time at Option but I never got it: that means everything about him and nothing about me. He could still think I'm the greatest person ever, he just doesn't want a hug right then. He has a sore arm, he's afraid to catch my cold (I really do have a nasty cold, by the way), or he just isn't in the mood. Or maybe my friend really does decide he thinks I'm not a great person and doesn't want to maintain the friendship. So what again! Just because he isn't seeing it in the moment doesn't mean I'm *not* a great person, it just means he's not seeing it because of his own filters and stuff. Or he does see it but its not the kind of greatness he needs in his life right now. Or he's more comfortable interacting in unhappiness. There's a million things it could mean, but it does NOT mean anything about me.
What a freeing couple of realizations to have had!

Friday, October 12, 2007


So I've been working for The Option Institute and Autism Treatment center of America for almost exactly two months, and I've changed so much I wouldn't know how to tell someone who asked. Here is a really telling symptom of some of those changes though. I think most of you who read this will understand how huge this is for me.
In the past week I have:
  • gone to dinner and a movie with a friend from work
  • gone on a hike with a friend from work
  • gone to open mic night at a club with about 8 people from work and their various spouses, friends, etc.
  • gone to a karaoke night at a restaurant /bar
And that's just the past week. Its Friday now and that's since last Friday. I'm also doing some unknown something with a couple of people from work tomorrow afternoon/evening. I've become... gulp... social! And, for the most part, I've been pretty comfortable in all of these situations. Crazy, huh?!